Santa Claus Conquers the Elians (like Gonzalez)

Can you believe that it’s 2010 and little kids still believe in Santa Claus? This came to me as I was running through the mall the other day, trying desperately to return a shirt without looking at anyone or saying more words than, “Don’t want, you give money.” There, in front of Victoria’s Secret and a kiosk that sells nothing but remote controlled helicopters, was Santa. And in front of Santa was a long line of rosy-cheeked cherubs and their nervous parents, hoping that if they focus their brain power hard enough their child won’t have a reality-bending panic attack before their picture is taken. Meanwhile, I’m having my own reality-bending panic attack in line at Old Navy because everyone in front of me is attempting to buy something without a price tag on it. It’s Old Navy. Whatever it is, just assume it’s $6.99 and LET’S GO GO GO.

Yes predictive Google image search, I was searching for images of Santander.

In a world where kids have access to the internet, how can Santa still exist? And I’m not talking about that “ooh the glorious spirit of St. Nickleclaus that lives inside each and every one of us” bullshit. I mean, the concept of a man entering your house in the middle of the night, depositing toys and videogames on your living room floor (for free), and then leaving before your parents have the opportunity to either call the police or beat him to death with a yule log. It doesn’t add up! And I guess that’s where the magic and wonder of Christmas comes in, but I was a pretty jaded kid. If the internet existed when I was 6 (shut up, I know it existed you nerds), chances are pretty good that my parents would find a history trail of hastily spelled Google searches and cross-referenced Wikipedia articles proving that what Keith Malcolm said at recess was true – Guns N’ Roses are the best band ever, and Santa Claus isn’t real.

So kids still believe in him; does that mean mall Santas with real beards are still a thing? When a mall Santa has a real beard it’s a sign of authenticity – this man is serious about spreading holiday cheer. The same cannot be said for mall Santas that are 350 pounds and constantly talking to children during the off season. “Ho-ho-ho, it’s August and now my sleigh is this van, boys and girls! It’s like a workshop on wheels, filled with hobby horses and jack-in-the-boxes and eight tiny reindeer or whatever… don’t tell your parents that we’re friends, ok boys and girls? HO-HO-OH GOD MY HEART!” It’s funny because he’s fat and there’s implied child rape.

So, ‘tis the season, I guess. My favorite Christmas tradition is when my father pulls me aside and apologizes for lying to me about the existence of Santa Claus. Every year, without fail. And this is going back, like, more than 20 years now. I’m leaving out cookies for Santa and carrots for Rudolph and my father’s stomach is just knotted with guilt… I’m lying to my son in the name of commercialism! ARGH FUCKING CHRISTMAS I HATE IT! My poor father. I was pretty ok with the whole Santa isn’t real thing once I realized that I could still ask for Star Wars figures and Nintendo games and get them. But not the Lego Monorail, because it was like $150,000.


  1. Karl says:

    That monorail set fucking ruled. You totally missed out.

  2. Karl says:

    Also, on a completely unrelated note, please never ever take down the old site.

    That archive has been my favorite pick-me-up for years whenever I’ve needed a laugh.

  3. John says:

    I’ll keep it up forever, mainly because I don’t know how to turn off auto-pay.

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