There is no “i” in internet.

What is the internet?  The question has plagued scientists and laypeople for thousands of years.  Some say it crash landed on American soil, wiped out the dinosaurs and instantly made all of our 1994 Encyclopedia Britannica CD-ROMs laughably out of date.  Others don’t know what it is or what it wants from us, but will nevertheless throw credit card numbers at it in exchange for goods (bestselling novels, replacement Lego pieces, tax-free cigarettes) and services (blowjobs).  Much like your local supermarket or DMV, the internet allows murderers, pedophiles and other scumbags to coexist with normal people like you and me.  And that’s great and all… but seriously, what the hell is the internet?

The new scientists over at New Scientist have a few ideas, and with the help of their clipboards, two-way mirrors and various beeping and booping accoutrement, they compiled a list of Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Internet.  It’s a very interesting article, and even I, a crackerjack internet veteran, learned a few things.  Dark corners on the self aware internet?  What the fuck, right?  But, did you know there are a few more things that you probably didn’t know about the internet, or maybe you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about the internet?  It’s true!  And I’ve got a hastily thrown together list that sort of proves it –

An addendum to:
New Scientists’ “Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Internet” article.

9. The internet goes offline for 15 minutes every year on June 2nd at 11:30 am for recharging.
Remember the 1999 film entitled, “The Matrix”?  In it, a computer hacker becomes Jesus and fights software applications in suits.  When the computer hacker asked Laurence Fishburne what the Matrix was, he was like, “It’s a computer program and you’re a battery.”  And then he held up a battery.  The internet is nothing like this, but it still needs to be recharged, much like the battery in the previous sentence.  OK, this was a terrible example… ooh, I got it – remember the 1989 film entitled, Shocker?  In it, a serial killer uses electricity to come back from the dead and carry out his vengeance on the football player who turned him in to the police.  That’s what imdb said anyway… I just remember there was a billboard near my house advertising this movie, and it scared the shit out of me.  Because I was 8.  Again, I should really think about these examples before committing them to print.  My apologies.  Anyway, the internet goes offline for 15 minutes every year on June 2nd at 11:30 am for recharging.  The heading for this section really summed it up.

10. The first electronic mail (e-mail) message took 9 months to reach its recipient.
Prof. Theodore Atsine of MIT penned the following e-mail message to his lab assistant on April 22nd, 1965 at 3:15 pm –


The lab assistant was fired at the end of the day.  In January of 1966, the e-mail finally arrived at the lab assistant’s terminal.  Due to the raw processing power required to receive the e-mail, most of MIT’s computer equipment melted, exploded and, oddly enough, vanished without a trace after an ear-shattering “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” announcement liquefied the ear drums of everyone in a 5-mile radius.  Prof. Atsine was hospitalized and later died due to complications with tinnitus.  Considered the world’s greatest genius, Prof. Atsine was given the highest honor of having a typographic character named after him.  The at sign. @.  Get it?  Because he invented e-mail.

11. The internet doesn’t “exist,” but is actually a digitized collection of thoughts and dreams of an incredibly perverted genius.
Although I don’t have any actual “proof” or “charts” or “words” to describe this issue that “aren’t in quotations,” I think there’s a pretty good chance that I’m totally right about this one.  And even if you tried to do some research to disprove my theory that the internet doesn’t exist, consider your source – I’ll give you a hint: it’s the fucking internet.  You’ll need a lot more than a Google search to start unraveling the convoluted e-fabric, my friend.  You may have to head to a library to check out some books on the subject… or I guess you could just download them to your Kindle — oh god THEY’VE TAKEN OVER OUR BOOKS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES PROBABLY, ETC!

So, in conclusion, the internet is here to stay.  One day, we will harness its awesome power for something so revolutionary that merely thinking about it now would turn your brain to gray hummus.  It will probably be a combination of social networking sites and email and chatrooms and oh fuck - Google already invented it months before I wrote this sentence.

One Comment

  1. sarah says:

    OMG FIRST LOLLLLLL!!!!!!111111!!!!!!1!!!!!!

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