200 words, $125 and a dream

An innkeeper in Maine is offering her $900,000 lakeside inn to the writer of the best 200-word essay, explaining why they deserve to win the grand prize. My friend Rob sent me a link to the contest the other day and said “if you write it, I’ll cover the entry fee” which is just enough for me to take this thing seriously – $125. All of a sudden this is sort of a paid gig, and a chance to do something I’ve always wanted to do ever since I got the link a few days ago. I am going to win this contest, and I will be the owner of a 210-year-old inn that sits peacefully in the lakes and mountain district of Western Maine.

Here’s what I know about owning a hotel: I’m going to need a pencil thin mustache, a crew of bumbling but lovable bellhops, and probably some kind of hat. I figure the rest will just work itself out.

Come make our beds Danny. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Come make our beds Danny. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Also I’m going to assume there’s an off-season. Thousands of feet of snow, all of the roads closed, no electricity… let’s just come out and say it, I’m going to have to look after this place like Jack Nicholson in The Shining for like 4 months at a time. I read the book when I was 13, I watch the movie more than I care to admit, I think I’m prepared. Now I’m not saying I have the shining. But one time a guy at work was complaining because his office looked out into my cubicle and he didn’t want to stare at my face all day. I was new to the company, and I was the only thing blocking his precious view of three empty gray walls. So he talked to my boss, who talked to his boss and the next day all of my stuff was packed up and moved to the other side of the building. A week later, this man was dead. Something about complications during surgery. Now again, I’m not saying I had anything to do with it, or that I killed him with my shining brain waves, but you can’t prove that I didn’t.

But I digress. Here’s my winning 200 word entry, which I will hand deliver to the hotel myself, maybe with the aid of an axe through the front door.

Hello. Thank you very much for reading my essay. 200 words isn’t a lot to work with, but how strict are you really going to be here? Like, I just wrote the number 200. Does that count as one word, or do you count it separately, with the word two counting as one word and the word hundred counting as a second word? And if I’m over by one word are you not even going to read my essay? That’s bullshit. This is costing me $125. Well not me, but my sponsor Rob. He’s a friend of mine, who’s married to my wife’s very good friend from college. You probably don’t know him, or her, or my wife, but if you select my entry you’d get to meet all of us. I feel like we’d all get along great. Like you’d hand over the keys and think to yourself, I think I made the right decision. That reminds me, I’m going to need four keys to the front door. You can get them copied at Home Depot, it usually only takes a few minutes if you find someone that knows what they’re doing. Anyway, give me your hotel please. Thanks.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

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