A Bit of the Old Ultra-Nuptuals

It’s engagement season. That time of year when young couples stare blissfully into each others eyes, proclaim their love for each other, and start planning their themed wedding. Because nothing says this is the most important decision that two grown adults will ever make than forcing your guests to take part in your weird fan fiction.

For example, one of the hottest wedding themes right now is The Great Gatsby. Martha Stewart offers up some wedding ideas to harken back to a time when sandals were strappy, music was made for dancing, and jewelry took a leap into the future. Glistening towers of champagne glasses, dapper men in tuxedos, cocktails and croquet. You know what else The Great Gatsby brings to mind? A guy cheating on his wife. His mistress getting struck and killed by a car. Gatsby’s dead corpse floating in a pool, blood slowly oozing from a gunshot wound to the head. Hey congratulations you crazy lovebirds, this wedding is delightful. What is this, prosciutto?

You want to get dressed up, sip on complicated cocktails and raise your hands to the sky as silver and gold confetti rains down on you in slow motion? That already exists, it’s called a wedding. You want a wedding themed wedding.

But if you’re sticking to a theme, it’s important to check the source material. Maybe you and your fiance love the color orange. That’s a great start! But you hastily sent out invitations for A Clockwork Orange themed wedding without reading the book or seeing the movie and now things are about to get weird. If I’m invited to this wedding, I better, at the very least, be able to drink milk from a busty mannequin’s nipple. The after-party better be fucking bananas: in-laws strapped to chairs, their eyes held open with forceps as they’re forced to watch holocaust newsreels spliced with children doing the chicken dance as they burn to death. Everyone’s drunk and calling each other droogies and somebody should call the police, I think a homeless man was just beaten to death in the parking lot.

You may kiss the bride.

You may kiss the bride.

You want to do this up right? Give your guests a wedding they’ll never forget? I have three words for you – Alien. Themed. Wedding. Ladies and gentlemen, we are the last remaining survivors of the SS Nostromo, please help yourself to a pack of cigarettes and a motion tracker. Cake will be served in a smoky air duct. Everyone will gather around when the bride throws a facehugger over her shoulder, and one lucky bridesmaid is gonna be a mommy when the thing rams its proboscis down her throat and lays eggs in her chest.

So, with that being said, if you’re looking for a themed wedding planner, I’d like to offer my services. Use the promo code AWESOMETALK for 20% off a personalized theme package, including Beetlejuice, Kill Bill volume 2, or your favorite bible passage.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

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