Philly Steak and Oh Geez Oh No Thank You

I had to drop some meat facts on Awesome Talk last night. Well not so much “drop” as “read.” “Read aloud” if we’re getting technical. Let’s start over. I read this aloud on Awesome Talk last night, season 2, episode 5. Now you can read it from the comfort of your own home. You’re doing it. YOU’RE REALLY DOING IT.

Philly Steak and Oh Geez Oh No Thank You

The US Department of Agriculture recently recalled 8.7 million pounds of unwholesome meat, including boxes of beef carcasses, beef blood, and beef hearts. Naturally this also led to the recall of two flavors of Hot PocketsPhilly Steak and Cheese and Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese. Rancho Feeding Corporation, the meat boys responsible for this nightmare, processed “diseased and unsound animals and carried out these activities without the benefit of federal inspection.”

In other words, the inside of a Hot Pocket answers the question, “What if meat could shit? How would that taste?”

This recall has sent the Pockethead community into a weird smelling fervor. On the one hand, their favorite food could potentially kill them. On the other hand, dude, have you tasted the new Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese? It’s got everything you love about Philly without having to leave the pile of soiled mattresses under your mom’s deck.

So what happens if you’ve got a freezer fulla tainted HP’s? Not to worry, scientists have discovered a workaround. Step 1, remove Hot Pockets from box. Next, place empty box in microwave and cook on high for 3 minutes. Let stand for one minute, then chow down on that fucking box bro, what are you so afraid of? There are also oven instructions, but no one in the history of food consumption has ever baked a Hot Pocket or its box unless it was accidentally left in the trunk of your car on a 98 degree day.

Slay them all let them come. Let them come. Let them come. They've come for HOT. POCKET.

Slay them all let them come. Let them come. Let them come. They’ve come for HOT. POCKET.

During the course of writing this story, I discovered some Hot Pox fun facts. For example, did you know that the signature flaky crust contains 100% of your recommended daily intake of inmate skin? With every bite, you’re reducing the prison population and saving the taxpayers millions.

Another fun fact: You know what they call a Hot Pocket in France? Douille Terribles, which, when translated back to English, means Terrible Sleeve. Why rename it when there are words for both hot and pocket in French? Look, I don’t make the fun facts, I just read them. Here, you want a better fun fact? FINE, fun fact number 3: when eating a Hot Pocket, if you listen very closely, you can actually hear your digestive system wince and shrug as if to say, “OK, wow, I guess we’re really doing this now huh?”

But in all seriousness, we made it through controversial meat situations before, we’ll make it through this one too. Remember pink slime? Remember when we as a nation were like, “Ew gross pink slime! I would never eat th- oh cool a 30 cent hamburger!” Meat will rebound from this, stronger than ever. I guarantee, in 20 years we’ll be sitting around this very bar, having the time of our lives, suckin down the latest meat tech. We’ll be like, “Hey man, pass me some of that Flavor 7 Funsludge” and “Whoa dude, save some Flavor 7b Hot and Spicy Funsludge for the rest of us!” In the meantime, I’ll be right here, dreaming up future meat conversations thanks to the fumes coming off of a box of diseased beef hearts.

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