I can’t believe the king and queen of my prom went on to be king and queen of the EARTH.

I’m getting old as fuck, and I’m going to assume that you are too. God, remember when life used to be fun? The sense of discovery and wonderment? When every day gave birth to a fresh experience, and yes, I’ll have another serving of mac-and-cheese, Mommy, you’re the best. Man, it seems like it all went downhill the day after you learned to walk. No more getting carried around, no more feedings, no more gentle ass wipings. Ah life, what a stupid pile of bullshit. But deep down inside you knew that your entire life was leading up to one single defining moment. A chance for greatness. A reason to wake up every morning. Your dreams were filled with visions of this event: you’d see yourself walking into a large room, and look! All of your friends are waiting for you and cheering! Hoorah! You’ve done it! You’re HERE! Visions of your parents clutching themselves, standing on the front porch, waving. They’ve never been more proud of you – you are their beautiful daughter or handsome son. Look at you, in your rented clothes. Your ill-fitting shoes. Your awkward-faced date. A corsage in a perspiring plastic box, but don’t pin it to her skin, son! Ah ha ha ha! I love you Dad, and I will be safe tonight. Because this is the most special night of my life. This is my senior prom.

But, what if you’re one of the dozens of folks whose proms didn’t go exactly as planned? What if your date was murdered the day before the prom? Or if Becky Smigelhouse wore the same dress as you even though she KNEW you had to special order your dress from a Sears in New Mexico? Can you believe her cousin actually worked at that exact same Sears in New Mexico and sent her the dress via FedEx? We live in Piscataway! Arrrghhhh, this is the worst prom ever. But now, you can do it all over, because – ADULT PROM, YOU GUYS!

“Prom the way you always wanted it,” the advertisement in Green Bay called out, an attempt to attract would-be revelers whose high school days have come and long gone. “Where the punch is spiked, you don’t have to hide the booze and the band plays loud.”

These are not reunions of former high school classmates eager to relive the prom night they had together. A vast majority of revelers are in their 20s and 30s, although a few are in their early 60s and are simply excited at the prospect of getting decked out and dancing — and voting for the night’s king and queen.

My mom chaperoned my at-home adult prom and crowned me king of the rumpus room.

I’m not going to lie, my senior prom was pretty terrible. My date spent most of the night crying and fighting with all of our friends. I, being a strong and supportive teenage boyfriend, tried to think of the best way to kill myself without anyone noticing. Is it possible to overdose on lemon sorbet? Could I “C’Mon ‘N Ride It (The Train)” out the front door and into traffic (choo choo)? This was the same year as Columbine… someone in this godforsaken hall has to have an automatic weapon, I thought. Unfortunately my survival instincts kicked in and I was forced to live with my embarrassment instead of die from embarrassment. By the end of the night, the limo that once held four happy couples on their way to a blissful night of dancing and chintzy party favors now housed one couple – me and my insane girlfriend. Both of us tired, miserable, and hated by all of our friends. LOVE YOU GUYS! We had, the time of our liiiiiives.

Now that adult proms are a thing, I have a twice-in-a-lifetime chance to do it all over again! If your first prom experience as a senior was good enough that you’d want to experience it all over again, chances are pretty good that nearly ALL of your happiest memories occurred during your four to eight years of high school. And hey, that’s great man. What are you 40? And you still remember the names of your high school teachers and classmates? That’s awesome brah, those were some crazy times! I know you’re super stoked for the adult prom, but maybe I can interest in you in some other adultified experiences that won’t involve renting a tux or dry humping a disinterested co-worker that you begged to go to the adult prom with you.

  • Duck Duck Goose for Gen X’ers
  • Skip-It Championships (50+)
  • Pants Shitting for Gents and Gals in their 30’s
  • Holding Your Breath Until You Get What You Want (Octogenarians only)
  • Lose Your Virginity at 55!
  • Tell Your 90+ Dad to Fuck Off (picture of your dad acceptable)
  • Adult Bra Unhooking
  • Old Oldsing for Olding Olds (OLD JOKE PLUS SIGN)


  1. Karl says:

    Will there still be virgin pussy? ‘Cuz I worked on prom night AND my younger girlfriend’s prom night, but I’m down for a 3rd chance if there’s still 18 year old ‘tang.

  2. Karl says:

    Holy fuck I should be raped in the esophagus for all that apostrophe abuse.

  3. sarah says:

    apostrasophagus rape… watch out.

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