April, 2015:

The Coachella-ution will be televised oh actually it was already televi

As I get older and grayer and more handsome, my desire to get off the couch and experience live events firsthand is fading. But last weekend, I went to Coachella. And I gotta say – wait do I get to say I went to Coachella if I watched it on TV? Because if so, I totally went to Coachella last weekend you guys, and it. Was. Nuts. Everyone was there. At least I think they were, I fast forwarded through about 80% of the 21 hours of footage that played on AXS TV, the poorly spelled cable station that I’m pretty sure exists only to show Coachella every year. But they provided the perfect festival experience for people like me, the old man that does not wish to be jostled.

Here are some things you miss by not attending gigantic festivals like this live and in person:

  1. People still in their 20’s that aren’t beaten down by life yet, and clearly I don’t want to spend my time surrounded by people like that.
  2. Locally sourced designer tacos served from a truck that runs on vegenaise.
  3. Mile-long beer lines, flanked by endless DJ sets and slurring pixie women, smashing face first into the ground from a mixture of molly and the hot desert sun

So I’m thankful that AXS TV exists, even though some may say watching a festival on TV is like when you were a little kid and you’d beg your parents to take you to the 4th of July fireworks and your dad was like, “Just watch it on TV, it’s the same thing.” Your mom plays along, throws a shitty blanket on the living room floor, hands you a box of Teddy Grahams, and you ooh and ahh at the same box that Alf usually comes out of. “See, son? You have the best seat in the house!” says Pops as he flicks the lights on and off to enhance the experience, when in reality he just didn’t want to find parking or be seen in public with you, all covered in cotton candy and star spangled face paint.


Maybe dad was right. Maybe just watching someone else enjoy an experience is enough. For example, I sit around and watch other people play videogames. Like reading Playboy for the articles, I’m watching this guy play Donkey Kong Country for the story. I can devote just enough attention, and if anyone asks, “Hey have you played Donkey Kong Country lately?” I can say yes, but then turn around, whisper “sort of” and wink at no one. This was my Coachella experience, most of it whizzing by at 16x, done in like 2 hours. My god it was so magical and I can sort of say I went and now I’m watching House.

Forget just festivals, I want more experiences like this, enjoyed the American way, drunk and at home with premium snacks. If cable TV wants to keep me glued to the couch and sort of watching it, there’s only one solution: TELEVISE ALL LIVE EVENTS. From concerts to Shakespeare in the park to Home Depot parking lot surveillance cameras. Who wouldn’t tune in to the Fucked Up Idiots in the Emergency Room channel? Holy shit did you see FUIITER last night? Some guy was having stomach pains because he ATE A FENCE. Then another guy came in right after that because he ate A BIGGER FENCE. I felt like I was there in the ER with them from the comfort of my own home! This is television. This is life. I am sort of watching forever.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

200 words, $125 and a dream

An innkeeper in Maine is offering her $900,000 lakeside inn to the writer of the best 200-word essay, explaining why they deserve to win the grand prize. My friend Rob sent me a link to the contest the other day and said “if you write it, I’ll cover the entry fee” which is just enough for me to take this thing seriously – $125. All of a sudden this is sort of a paid gig, and a chance to do something I’ve always wanted to do ever since I got the link a few days ago. I am going to win this contest, and I will be the owner of a 210-year-old inn that sits peacefully in the lakes and mountain district of Western Maine.

Here’s what I know about owning a hotel: I’m going to need a pencil thin mustache, a crew of bumbling but lovable bellhops, and probably some kind of hat. I figure the rest will just work itself out.

Come make our beds Danny. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Come make our beds Danny. Forever. And ever. And ever.

Also I’m going to assume there’s an off-season. Thousands of feet of snow, all of the roads closed, no electricity… let’s just come out and say it, I’m going to have to look after this place like Jack Nicholson in The Shining for like 4 months at a time. I read the book when I was 13, I watch the movie more than I care to admit, I think I’m prepared. Now I’m not saying I have the shining. But one time a guy at work was complaining because his office looked out into my cubicle and he didn’t want to stare at my face all day. I was new to the company, and I was the only thing blocking his precious view of three empty gray walls. So he talked to my boss, who talked to his boss and the next day all of my stuff was packed up and moved to the other side of the building. A week later, this man was dead. Something about complications during surgery. Now again, I’m not saying I had anything to do with it, or that I killed him with my shining brain waves, but you can’t prove that I didn’t.

But I digress. Here’s my winning 200 word entry, which I will hand deliver to the hotel myself, maybe with the aid of an axe through the front door.

Hello. Thank you very much for reading my essay. 200 words isn’t a lot to work with, but how strict are you really going to be here? Like, I just wrote the number 200. Does that count as one word, or do you count it separately, with the word two counting as one word and the word hundred counting as a second word? And if I’m over by one word are you not even going to read my essay? That’s bullshit. This is costing me $125. Well not me, but my sponsor Rob. He’s a friend of mine, who’s married to my wife’s very good friend from college. You probably don’t know him, or her, or my wife, but if you select my entry you’d get to meet all of us. I feel like we’d all get along great. Like you’d hand over the keys and think to yourself, I think I made the right decision. That reminds me, I’m going to need four keys to the front door. You can get them copied at Home Depot, it usually only takes a few minutes if you find someone that knows what they’re doing. Anyway, give me your hotel please. Thanks.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.