January, 2015:

Hack3rs gonna hack, phr3ak3rs gonna phr3ak

In September of 1995, a movie was released that changed the cultural landscape forever. In it, a group of friends use their powers to fight an evil shadow organization, hell bent on destroying the world with a super virus. I’m of course talking about the cinematic masterpiece Hackers. Angelina Jolie, the guy from Trainspotting and Matthew Lillard face off against the guy with the racist Indian accent from Short Circuit and Penn Jillette with nothing but some zip disks and a vague sense of hacking. Cyberpunks all over the world were inspired by the titular hackers, and armed with their gigantic laptops and screaming, ear piercing modems, hacked the planet.

But what if you could hack your life? Hacking is a term that’s become synonymous with doing basically anything, so chances are you’re hacking something right now and you don’t even know it. Matthew Lillard would be so proud, screaming some goofy bullshit as he watches you frantically lifehack your mainframe. In 3, 2, 1… press enter and boom, we’re in. Lines of code run over my face and I’m like hey remember when I used coffee filters? Well I just lifehacked a new reality for myself where I use Taco Bell napkins instead. You just have to hack the Taco Bell by getting red in the face and crying in the drive thru line long enough. They think I’m drying my tears with these bad boys, but nope. I’m filtering my coffee for free, and laughing all the way to the bank, where my debit card is also being hacked as we speak.



Here’s a lifehack for the new year: gym memberships are just too darn expensive, I mean am I right, have you heard about this? Not to mention they’re filled with muscle boys that know what they’re doing with their intimidating clanging machinery and intimidating clanging pensises, glistening in the locker room like a corn field kissed with dew. Strap on your VR headset, bang out some Perl scripts and hack your basement into the gymnasium of your dreams. Why pay $20 a month to punch a bag when you can punch your boiler and get basically the same results. Want a workout that really turns up the heat? Hack your shower to run in “hot mode” and then go 25 rounds against the boiler. The bodyhack, it burns my delicate hacking fingers.

But what of the most formidable hack of all: Love. Could you hack the heart of a lover? I mean the guy from Trainspotting did it in Hackers. He even got to see Angelina Jolie’s breasts, but c’mon man. Look at you. You’re no guy from Trainspotting, and good luck getting through the Brad Pitt firewall. Maybe start smaller by preparing a foodhack for your potential mate. For example, did you know Raisin Brain is just corn flakes mixed with raisins? It’s true. Watch her eyes light up when you explain the cereal she’s eating for dinner out of a bowl you fashioned out of a rolled up newspaper was lovingly foodhacked, just for her.

So is calling everything a hack just a way to appeal to pasty nerds through verb usage, tricking them into making small life changes all in the name of standing up to the status quo? Yes. Yes that’s exactly what it is. I think this quote from the Hacker’s Manifesto sums it all up: “Hey bro, just hack it. Whatever it is, hack the living shit out of it. C’mon dude. Hack it.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

A Bit of the Old Ultra-Nuptuals

It’s engagement season. That time of year when young couples stare blissfully into each others eyes, proclaim their love for each other, and start planning their themed wedding. Because nothing says this is the most important decision that two grown adults will ever make than forcing your guests to take part in your weird fan fiction.

For example, one of the hottest wedding themes right now is The Great Gatsby. Martha Stewart offers up some wedding ideas to harken back to a time when sandals were strappy, music was made for dancing, and jewelry took a leap into the future. Glistening towers of champagne glasses, dapper men in tuxedos, cocktails and croquet. You know what else The Great Gatsby brings to mind? A guy cheating on his wife. His mistress getting struck and killed by a car. Gatsby’s dead corpse floating in a pool, blood slowly oozing from a gunshot wound to the head. Hey congratulations you crazy lovebirds, this wedding is delightful. What is this, prosciutto?

You want to get dressed up, sip on complicated cocktails and raise your hands to the sky as silver and gold confetti rains down on you in slow motion? That already exists, it’s called a wedding. You want a wedding themed wedding.

But if you’re sticking to a theme, it’s important to check the source material. Maybe you and your fiance love the color orange. That’s a great start! But you hastily sent out invitations for A Clockwork Orange themed wedding without reading the book or seeing the movie and now things are about to get weird. If I’m invited to this wedding, I better, at the very least, be able to drink milk from a busty mannequin’s nipple. The after-party better be fucking bananas: in-laws strapped to chairs, their eyes held open with forceps as they’re forced to watch holocaust newsreels spliced with children doing the chicken dance as they burn to death. Everyone’s drunk and calling each other droogies and somebody should call the police, I think a homeless man was just beaten to death in the parking lot.

You may kiss the bride.

You may kiss the bride.

You want to do this up right? Give your guests a wedding they’ll never forget? I have three words for you – Alien. Themed. Wedding. Ladies and gentlemen, we are the last remaining survivors of the SS Nostromo, please help yourself to a pack of cigarettes and a motion tracker. Cake will be served in a smoky air duct. Everyone will gather around when the bride throws a facehugger over her shoulder, and one lucky bridesmaid is gonna be a mommy when the thing rams its proboscis down her throat and lays eggs in her chest.

So, with that being said, if you’re looking for a themed wedding planner, I’d like to offer my services. Use the promo code AWESOMETALK for 20% off a personalized theme package, including Beetlejuice, Kill Bill volume 2, or your favorite bible passage.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.