February, 2014:

Philly Steak and Oh Geez Oh No Thank You

I had to drop some meat facts on Awesome Talk last night. Well not so much “drop” as “read.” “Read aloud” if we’re getting technical. Let’s start over. I read this aloud on Awesome Talk last night, season 2, episode 5. Now you can read it from the comfort of your own home. You’re doing it. YOU’RE REALLY DOING IT.

Philly Steak and Oh Geez Oh No Thank You

The US Department of Agriculture recently recalled 8.7 million pounds of unwholesome meat, including boxes of beef carcasses, beef blood, and beef hearts. Naturally this also led to the recall of two flavors of Hot PocketsPhilly Steak and Cheese and Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese. Rancho Feeding Corporation, the meat boys responsible for this nightmare, processed “diseased and unsound animals and carried out these activities without the benefit of federal inspection.”

In other words, the inside of a Hot Pocket answers the question, “What if meat could shit? How would that taste?”

This recall has sent the Pockethead community into a weird smelling fervor. On the one hand, their favorite food could potentially kill them. On the other hand, dude, have you tasted the new Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese? It’s got everything you love about Philly without having to leave the pile of soiled mattresses under your mom’s deck.

So what happens if you’ve got a freezer fulla tainted HP’s? Not to worry, scientists have discovered a workaround. Step 1, remove Hot Pockets from box. Next, place empty box in microwave and cook on high for 3 minutes. Let stand for one minute, then chow down on that fucking box bro, what are you so afraid of? There are also oven instructions, but no one in the history of food consumption has ever baked a Hot Pocket or its box unless it was accidentally left in the trunk of your car on a 98 degree day.

Slay them all let them come. Let them come. Let them come. They've come for HOT. POCKET.

Slay them all let them come. Let them come. Let them come. They’ve come for HOT. POCKET.

During the course of writing this story, I discovered some Hot Pox fun facts. For example, did you know that the signature flaky crust contains 100% of your recommended daily intake of inmate skin? With every bite, you’re reducing the prison population and saving the taxpayers millions.

Another fun fact: You know what they call a Hot Pocket in France? Douille Terribles, which, when translated back to English, means Terrible Sleeve. Why rename it when there are words for both hot and pocket in French? Look, I don’t make the fun facts, I just read them. Here, you want a better fun fact? FINE, fun fact number 3: when eating a Hot Pocket, if you listen very closely, you can actually hear your digestive system wince and shrug as if to say, “OK, wow, I guess we’re really doing this now huh?”

But in all seriousness, we made it through controversial meat situations before, we’ll make it through this one too. Remember pink slime? Remember when we as a nation were like, “Ew gross pink slime! I would never eat th- oh cool a 30 cent hamburger!” Meat will rebound from this, stronger than ever. I guarantee, in 20 years we’ll be sitting around this very bar, having the time of our lives, suckin down the latest meat tech. We’ll be like, “Hey man, pass me some of that Flavor 7 Funsludge” and “Whoa dude, save some Flavor 7b Hot and Spicy Funsludge for the rest of us!” In the meantime, I’ll be right here, dreaming up future meat conversations thanks to the fumes coming off of a box of diseased beef hearts.

AWESOMETALK – Get to Know Me and Season 2: Episode 4

OK, so two things. First, you should get to know me.

Second, here is episode 4 of the second season of AwesomeTalk, featuring an interview with Naomi Grossman, who you may know as “Pepper” from American Horror Story AND Dan Ridenour of the band Chemtrail is drinking at the bar with us. And you can hear my latest final word. All of this and much much much much more.

The Pitter Patter of Mannequin Feet

A very special Final Word from last night’s AwesomeTalk comin atcha! Right after this paragraph! It’s so very close! Enjoy.

The Pitter Patter of Mannequin Feet

This Valentine’s Day, forget flowers or jewelry or a meal that requires leaving the house. Give her a gift she’ll never forget:  a family of mannequin children.

Pros and cons of giving your wife the gift of plastic life –

Pros: Mannequin children are quiet, obedient, and definitely not the creepiest things on earth.

Cons: Maybe they come alive at night and stand at the foot of your bed to watch you sleep. Other than that? Not a gotdamn thing, you really need to stop over-thinking this.

There’s probably a law against just grabbing a mannequin child out of a JCPenney’s storefront window. Kidnapping, I guess? A curious amber alert flashes on the tv, stating  “a handsome boy displaying this summer’s hottest fashions was stolen from his window this morning. If you have any information about his whereabouts, call the Mannekidnapping Hotline at 1-800-WHY DOES THIS EXIST.”

So yeah, you can’t just grab a kid and walk out with it. You have to be a bit more methodical than that – you have to steal one piece of the child at a time. It’s the only way. One day it’s a hand, then a foot, then an arm stuffed inside an oversized jacket. These steps probably sound familiar to you – that’s because they’re based on the Slayer song Piece By Piece. Modulistic terror / A vast sadistic feast / The only way to steal a mannequin / Is going piece by piece.

I love you.

I love you.

Now it’s time to assemble. You’re going to need a basement, preferably one that’s never been touched by natural light. The darkness is very conducive to mannequin construction. You’ll also need glue, vials of bubbling things, human hair, etc. Once the first mannekid is complete, your instinct will be to name him or her. But c’mon, that would be insane. But if you want to maybe spend a few hours every day stroking their hair and plotting, hey, it’s your gift. You do you, homeboy. When your Valentine starts asking questions, just give her the ol, “I’m doin’ dude stuff, BABE. I’m smoking cigars or playing online darts or smoking cigars online with my dart pals… THINGS YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND OK?”

So you’ve been slaving away in the dark, knee deep in plastic body parts and finally the day is here. And sure, maybe some of the parts got mixed up, so a few of the mannequin children are mixed race and mixed gender and mixed height. What’s that word parents use when their kids are all fucked up…? Unique! Your unique family is ready for the grand unveiling. Position them around the breakfast table (but don’t cook breakfast, let’s not get crazy here) and block the door before your Valentine can enter.

Stare into her eyes and whisper “I have something to show you, dearest.” Be sure to stifle your maniacal laughter. “There are some people in the breakfast nook that are just DYING to meet you.” OK, maybe don’t put the emphasis on DYING like that. No blood has been shed here, this is an extremely thoughtful gift. Just look at them! Staring off into space, one of them is probably holding a tennis racket. You’ve really outdone yourself. This is going to save your marriage.  And if it doesn’t, you’ll always have your children. Chances are she will not be suing for custody.