{"id":3,"date":"2010-02-07T20:14:55","date_gmt":"2010-02-07T20:14:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/?p=3"},"modified":"2011-04-15T12:21:01","modified_gmt":"2011-04-15T16:21:01","slug":"internet-update","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/?p=3","title":{"rendered":"There is no “i” in internet."},"content":{"rendered":"

What is the internet?\u00c2\u00a0 The question has plagued scientists and laypeople for thousands of years.\u00c2\u00a0 Some say it crash landed on American soil, wiped out the dinosaurs and instantly made all of our 1994 Encyclopedia Britannica CD-ROMs laughably out of date.\u00c2\u00a0 Others don’t know what it is or what it wants from us, but will nevertheless throw credit card numbers at it in exchange for goods (bestselling novels, replacement Lego pieces, tax-free cigarettes) and services (blowjobs).\u00c2\u00a0 Much like your local supermarket or DMV, the internet allows murderers, pedophiles and other scumbags to coexist with normal people like you and me.\u00c2\u00a0 And that’s great and all… but seriously, what the hell is<\/em> the internet?<\/p>\n

The new scientists over at New Scientist have a few ideas, and with the help of their clipboards, two-way mirrors and various beeping and booping accoutrement, they compiled a list of Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Internet<\/a>. \u00c2\u00a0It’s a very interesting article, and even I, a crackerjack internet veteran, learned a few things.\u00c2\u00a0 Dark corners<\/a> on the self aware internet<\/a>?\u00c2\u00a0 What the fuck, right?\u00c2\u00a0 But, did you know there are a few more things that you probably didn’t know about the internet, or maybe you always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about the internet?\u00c2\u00a0 It’s true!\u00c2\u00a0 And I’ve got a hastily thrown together list that sort of proves it –<\/p>\n

An addendum to:
\nNew Scientists’ “Eight Things You Didn’t Know About the Internet” article.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

9. The internet goes offline for 15 minutes every year on June 2nd at 11:30 am for recharging. <\/strong>
\nRemember the 1999 film entitled, “The Matrix”?\u00c2\u00a0 In it, a computer hacker becomes Jesus and fights software applications in suits.\u00c2\u00a0 When the computer hacker asked Laurence Fishburne what the Matrix was, he was like, “It’s a computer program and you’re a battery.”\u00c2\u00a0 And then he held up a battery.\u00c2\u00a0 The internet is nothing like this, but it still needs to be recharged, much like the battery in the previous sentence.\u00c2\u00a0 OK, this was a terrible example… ooh, I got it – remember the 1989 film entitled, Shocker<\/a>?\u00c2\u00a0 In it, a serial killer uses electricity to come back from the dead and carry out his vengeance on the football player who turned him in to the police.\u00c2\u00a0 That’s what imdb said anyway… I just remember there was a billboard near my house advertising this movie, and it scared the shit out of me.\u00c2\u00a0 Because I was 8.\u00c2\u00a0 Again, I should really think about these examples before committing them to print.\u00c2\u00a0 My apologies.\u00c2\u00a0 Anyway, the internet goes offline for 15 minutes every year on June 2nd at 11:30 am for recharging.\u00c2\u00a0 The heading for this section really summed it up.<\/p>\n

10. The first electronic mail (e-mail) message took 9 months to reach its recipient.<\/strong>
\nProf. Theodore Atsine of MIT penned the following e-mail message to his lab assistant on April 22nd, 1965 at 3:15 pm –<\/p>\n

TESTING.\u00c2\u00a0 THE QUICK BROWN PROFESSOR JUMPED OVER THE LAZY LAB ASSISTANT.\u00c2\u00a0 THAT’S YOU.\u00c2\u00a0 RESPOND OR YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The lab assistant was fired at the end of the day.\u00c2\u00a0 In January of 1966, the e-mail finally arrived at the lab assistant’s terminal.\u00c2\u00a0 Due to the raw processing power required to receive the e-mail, most of MIT’s computer equipment melted, exploded and, oddly enough, vanished without a trace after an ear-shattering “YOU’VE GOT MAIL” announcement liquefied the ear drums of everyone in a 5-mile radius.\u00c2\u00a0 Prof. Atsine was hospitalized and later died due to complications with tinnitus.\u00c2\u00a0 Considered the world’s greatest genius, Prof. Atsine was given the highest honor of having a typographic character named after him.\u00c2\u00a0 The at sign. @.\u00c2\u00a0 Get it?\u00c2\u00a0 Because he invented e-mail.<\/p>\n

11. The internet doesn’t “exist,” but is actually a digitized collection of thoughts and dreams of an incredibly perverted genius.
\n<\/strong>Although I don’t have any actual “proof” or “charts” or “words” to describe this issue that “aren’t in quotations,” I think there’s a pretty good chance that I’m totally right about this one.\u00c2\u00a0 And even if you tried to do some research to disprove my theory that the internet doesn’t exist, consider your source – I’ll give you a hint: it’s the fucking internet.\u00c2\u00a0 You’ll need a lot more than a Google search to start unraveling the convoluted e-fabric, my friend.\u00c2\u00a0 You may have to head to a library to check out some books on the subject… or I guess you could just download them to your Kindle — oh god THEY’VE TAKEN OVER OUR BOOKS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES PROBABLY, ETC!<\/p>\n

So, in conclusion, the internet is here to stay.\u00c2\u00a0 One day, we will harness its awesome power for something so revolutionary that merely thinking about it now would turn your brain to gray hummus.\u00c2\u00a0 It will probably be a combination of social networking sites and email and chatrooms and oh fuck -\u00c2\u00a0Google already invented it<\/a> months before I wrote this sentence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is the internet? The question has plagued scientists and laypeople for thousands of years. Some say it crash landed on American soil, wiped out the dinosaurs and instantly made all of our 1994 Encyclopedia Britannica CD-ROMs laughably out of date. Others don’t know what it is or what it wants from us, but will nevertheless throw credit card numbers at it in exchange for goods (bestselling novels, replacement Lego pieces, tax-free cigarettes) and services (blowjobs). Much like your local supermarket or DMV, the internet allows murderers, pedophiles and other scumbags to coexist with normal people like you and me. And that’s great and all… but seriously, what the hell is the internet? <\/p>\n

More at supertmh2.com<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[3],"tags":[19],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pO5V2-3","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.supertmh2.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}