Facebook’s mobile network location-based deal check in thing.

Facebook unveiled their plans for a mobile network on Wednesday, and everyone was kinda like, “Oh.” Their biggest announcement was advanced “single sign-on” technology, which means you sign into your account once (like, right now), and then every website in the world links to your Facebook account and you never get signed out or your money back. This is important because… people hate logging into things I guess? Facebook seems pretty focused on improving the “typing your username and password” experience on mobile devices by replacing login screens with big friendly “Log Me In Via My Social Networking Avatar” buttons. Never again will you have to remember your banking information! Just “Facebook it up! (patent pending),” check your balance and then post a status update right from your checking account summary page.

Phyllis McGillicutty just transferred $1,287 from account baby daughter’s college fund to account COCAINE AND SHOESSSSSSSSSSS using TD Waterhouse MobileApp®.

Check in for 10% off grave blankets!

Similarly, when one of my Facebook friends is spewing hate propaganda about the current administration, I can one-click my way over to Amazon (WITHOUT EVER SIGNING IN OR OUT ARE YOU READING THIS) and view a personalized shopping cart filled with Glen Beck pamphlets, teabags and NOBAMA bumper stickers. Then I can just say, “The president is a MOSLIM,” and through the power of voice recognition technology, the items are purchased, shipped, and delivered to my door within two days. Facebook!

Times are hard, and people are cheap. Deal websites are hot right now, because I’m not going to pay full price for 15,000 CD jewel cases, ok? I just won’t. Has this ever happened to you? You’re at the Gap looking at a pair of slacks, and they’re $60, but you only have $48, and you live in a state that doesn’t tax clothing, and you just leave the store because, for real man, you can’t even afford pants? Once again, Facebook’s all up in your shit, saving you fat sacks of cash with their new “Loyalty Ala-Cart Push Location Aware Messaging Service for Deals” system. Here’s how it works:

1. Go to The Gap.
2. Check into The Gap via Facebook Mobile to tell all of your friends that you’re at The Gap.
3. Post a status update about your experience at The Gap so far.
4. “Like” your status from step 3.
5. Receive a digital coupon for 20% off your purchase!
6. Post pictures of yourself in the changing room. You look great!
7. Take your items to the register.
8. Befriend the clerk behind the register.
9. Pay for your purchase, but don’t forget your coupon!
10. Achievement Unlocked – Purchased slacks.

These are just a few of the first steps into full Facebook life integration, and even more exciting developments are on the horizon, and no, this isn’t scary at all! What are the odds of someone stealing your phone and having access to every account that’s tied to your Facebook account that you can never sign out of? I’m pretty sure odds don’t even exist for something as implausible as that. But if you’re like me and you want some cold hard statistics, here you go – one in a hundred million nevers.