soda wars

Pepsi Max: Cease Fire review

Slightly better than Pepsi Max: Shoot the Hostage

While getting lunch in the cafeteria today, I noticed a strange bottle of soda among the normal bottles of soda in the cooler.  It had a black label, so it appealed to my demographic (late 20’s dude who likes black labels on things) but also had some playful green text that hinted it could be an energy drink (because energy should be green).  I succumbed to my thurges (thirst urges) and purchased 20 fl oz’s of Pepsi Max: Cease Fire.

Here’s my review – it tastes like Diet Pepsi.  But until the drink met my lips, I had no idea what I was going to experience.  First off, I liked the idea of a soda named Cease Fire.  It’s peaceful.  Like all of the other sodas were battling for dominance and Pepsi Max was like, “Guys, let’s just relax for a second… we’re all sodas here, and enough blood has been shed.” However, the label urged me to “COOL THE BURN,” and I wasn’t sure what burn I was supposed to be cooling.  First I thought it was referring to my lifestyle – PepsiCo is assuming that my life is full of extreme sports and heat.  Perhaps it’s aloe flavored?  Maybe it’s like a Camel Crush cigarette, but instead of changing from non-menthol to menthol, it goes from spicy to cool through a complicated filtration system.  Just what the fuck am I drinking here PepsiCo? I’m so thirsty.

That’s when I turned the bottle around.  Turns out I’m not the only one baffled by this drink since there’s a giant disclaimer that describes both the burning and cooling sensations.

COOL THE BURN: New Doritos® Burn Flavors and Pepsi Max® Cease Fireâ„¢ are the perfect combination of tempting heat and calming cool.  With the fireproof formula of Pepsi Max® Cease Fireâ„¢, you’ll keep coming back for more.  So prepare your mouth for the pleasure of two highly reactive flavors.
(then there’s a picture of a Dorito chip on fire)

OK, so, Pepsi Max: Cease Fire is like a Doritos Burn Ward plug-in with one goal: to fully unlock the flavor potential of both products.  Chips are hot these days!  You need a drink that is chemically engineered by the chip’s parent company to extinguish the herbs and spices.  Kind of like when you go to a restaurant and the waiter recommends a wine that complements your meal of chicken strips and veggie spring rolls (it’s White Zinfandel, btw).  Like peanut butter and jelly, beer and wings,  Ween and inhalants… Pepsi Max: Cease Fire and hot as fuck Doritos are two things.

Because of this, I’m going to retract my review.  Forget everything I ever said about Pepsi Max: Cease Fire.  I didn’t have any Doritos Burn Ward chips with my lunch, so my review is worthless.  However, the good folks over at reviewed both the chips AND the soda, so you should read that instead. If you’re not into the whole “clicking links” thing, here’s a summary of their review – Pepsi Max: Cease Fire is gimmicky bullshit, and the bottlers should be killed.  They’re making some powerful enemies over there.