panic attacks

What Are You Supposed To Be? A Topical Halloween Costume Guide

You look around the room, frozen with fear. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of being upstaged. You take a swig of your beer, choke it down, and retreat into the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror, take a deep breath, and ask, “Is my Halloween costume topical enough?” You are dressed as a bent iPhone 6. Some drunken party goer foolishly thought you were a calculator. Really Susan? A calculator? What’s topical about that? I’m the thing that was in the news a few weeks ago, you know, that thing that was trending? I don’t think your costume is trending Susan. Nobody gives a shit about lady pirates anymore Susan. Nobody. Susan.

It's 2009 I'ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

It’s 2009 and I’ma let you finish but Octopus Mother is going hashtag viral

As an adult, it’s important to outfit yourself with the most topical Halloween costume possible. Look, any idiot can dress up as a ghoul, or a goblin, or as a member of the bands Ghoul or Goblin, but you want a costume that says, “Hey remember that thing that just happened? Maybe this hastily put together collection of trash stapled to my body will refresh your memory.” Something that will be relevant for the duration of the party and will slowly become less and less clever as the night goes on until you’re driving home, wondering if maybe your costume which consisted of a white t-shirt with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font was not only in poor taste, but also completely stupid. You will peak around 9:30, when a guy dressed as the dad from 7th Heaven will corner you and say “Ohhhhh shit bro this guy is crazy! Look everyone it’s Ebola! Hahahaha oh shit this guy is Ebola! Oh wow. So dark. So relevant.” The life of the topical Halloween costume wearer is filled with exhilarating highs and devastating lows.

So, obviously you’re looking for a way to ensure your costume is as topical as humanly possible. All you have to do is fire up your favorite news source on the morning of the party and rip your costume straight from the headlines. Feel superior over your friends and coworkers, whose costume ideas are stale, entry level, try-hardy bullshit.

Like, oh cool, you’re a dude in cardboard gladiator armor screaming about Sparta? Well I’m Buzzfeed’s “21 Incredibly Easy Salsa Recipes You Need To Try.” That story was posted right before I got here and I’m going to bob the shit out of some apples, amigo. Or, hey, a Guy Fawkes mask. You must be V for Very Bad at Topical Costumes. I don’t know if you noticed but I’m dressed as Joko Widodo, the new president of Indonesia. HE WAS SWORN IN 8 HOURS AGO. If this costume was any more topical you’d be rubbing it on your genital warts.

Are you a gal looking to spice up your topical costume? Give the boys in accounting at the Halloween happy hour something to talk about? You’re in luck. Sexy modifiers can be added to ANY topical Halloween costume to increase arousal points. For example, you could go as sexy Donald Sterling. You could wear a tube top with the word EBOLA written in a drippy blood red font. That’s relevant AND sexy because Ebola is killing people and you have boobs.

So this Halloween, follow these tips, stay safe and stay topical. As for me? I’m getting into the future-sexy-topical game. I’ll be the guy dressed as Oscar Pistorius being released from prison in 2019, and I’ll have the sexiest leg blades you’ve ever seen.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.’s Better Than’s First Date Tips

eHarmony has a list of ten tips for initiating, planning, and surviving a first date. It’s a bad list, full of “no doi” pointers. “Be confident.” “Dress to impress.” “Breathe occasionally.” “Apply pressure to fresh wounds.” I’ve been on a few first dates, and I’ve compiled the following list of better than eHarmony tips. In fact, that’s what it’s called:’s Better Than’s First Date Tips.

The water conundrum. Pop quiz hotshot – the waiter asked if you want bottled or tap water. If you spring for the bottled water, it shows that money is no object on this, your enchanted first date. If you go with tap water it shows that you’re an eco-conscious everyman with a sense of adventure. Here’s an advanced technique: stare the waiter dead in the eyes and say, “Half tap. Half bottled.” The music stops, silverware crashes, old Victorian-era women are fanning themselves and gasping and passing out all around you. This date is off to a great start, and by the way, you look lovely this evening.

"... look, I'm sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit."

“… look, I’m sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit.”

Ordering for your date. Ordering for your date is an antiquated practice, so you should avoid doing it. It gives the impression that she is maybe too stupid to read, or understand how side dishes work. The only time it’s customary to order for your date is if you’re at a drive up window. “Yes, I’ll have a number 3, and the little lady will have something of equal or lesser value because it’s Tuesday before 6 pm and I have a coupon. Also hurry the fuck up, it’s our first date over here.” She’ll be impressed because you’re a man that can handle finances, and your collection of ketchup packets and ants in the glove compartment really speaks for itself.

Phrases to Avoid. Words are hard sometimes. Review the following list of phrases to avoid.

  • Your job sounds boring as shit, I bet I could do it like a million times better though.

  • What’s your favorite Aryan subreddit?

  • Would it be ok if I got a booster seat for my taxidermied owl?

  • I keep my pistol in a hollowed out bible, and my bullets in the hollowed out skulls of my online haters.

The Leftovers. Avoid asking to take your date’s leftovers home with you. Muttering, “because I fucking paid for this bullshit” under your breath is not going to help your case. However, if you insist on taking the leftovers home, ask your waiter to box it up for you, avoid pulling a ziplock bag out of your pants pocket. God forbid you accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings. This should really have its own section, but if you do accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings, just say you’re holding it for a friend.

Ending on a high note. Congratulations, the date is now over. Much like the survivors of a horrible plane crash, it is customary to hug your date once complete. Really get in there, see what you’re working with. Three gentle kisses on the forehead followed by a handwritten letter thanking her for her time, and you’re now free to go home to your darkened hovel and text her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s ok. If you followed all of my advice, you’re probably well on your way to marriage. Please do not invite me, my dress shoes are very tight and make it difficult for me to dance. Thank you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Autoblow 2 – Frequently Asked Questions

A lot of people ask me, “Hey John, what do you do for a living again?” And I say, I’m a technical writer. I write software documentation, error messages… and at this point I see their eyes fluttering and rolling back into their heads. I administer the smelling salts and they regain consciousness. “Oh yeah yeah, hey wow that sounds really fascinating,” they yawn as they check their imaginary beeper and mumble something about “having to take this.”

ab2Granted, writing sentences like, “Step 5: Click the Install button to install” is not very fulfilling. So that’s why I offer my tech writing expertise to products I feel strongly about, completely unsolicited and without warning. Such as the recently crowdfunded robotic blow job device, the Autoblow 2. Oh you know, it’s just the revolutionary stroker that’s powered by a standard wall plug, works with 3 interchangeable sleeves, and features a motor that’s rated to last over 500 hours! It’s only the hottest jerk bot around, having raised over $280,000 on indiegogo from sticky-fingered philanthropists.

Clearly the makers of the Autoblow 2 are proud of their product. “THE BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT” screams their website. Lots of videos and testimonials, nice font choices, etc. But their frequently asked questions page? It’s a goddamn disgrace. Ooh how long will it take to ship to my unmarked storm drain? Durr how often do I need to change the  ejaculate filter on this thing? Pitiful. Here are some frequently asked questions worthy of this miracle device:

Q: I’m thoroughly enjoying my Autoblow 2. But I have to ask, what happened to the Autoblow 1?

A: Customers found the Autoblow 1, codename BONE DRONE, to be too lifelike. Much like the uncanny valley, we created virtual blowjob technology that was too perfect for this world. So perfect that the human mind couldn’t comprehend the sensations delivered by BONE DRONE. Therefore, it had to be destroyed for the good of mankind.

Q: I don’t know how to say this, but… I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with my Autoblow 2. Is this normal? It’s normal right? There’s nothing wrong with me. This thing feels good, and I’ve earned this. I work hard every day, and I’m a well-adjusted, capital N Normal fella. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m leaving my wife.

A: We’re so happy that you’re enjoying your Autoblow 2 experience! Never contact us again.

Q: I’m sure you get this a lot, but can this thing jerk me to death? Or near death? Basically I want to look God straight in the eye as I climax, is there a setting for that?

A: Although “Death Jerk” is not a supported feature of the Autoblow 2, the device can be jailbroken to accommodate custom settings. Please note that installing custom firmware on your device voids the manufacturer’s warranty, and we cannot be held responsible for any ejaculation-based death, near death, or afterlife experiences.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Soylent, from the makers of Hell Gravy, the poisonous gravy from Hell

Soylent is the hot new food substitute that’s intended to supply all the nutrients the human body needs without the time, money, or effort associated with real food. For about $4 a serving, this “just add water” replacement could revolutionize the way we think about food, and it’s being targeted at people who are too busy to eat. It also looks like the cloudy water that accumulates in the last bowl in the sink when you’re doing the dishes.



But how does it taste? Reviews are all over the place, from “This is real bad” to “Why are you doing this to me?” But forget all that. I don’t know about you, but I am sick of thinking about what to eat every day. I’m a very powerful, fancy man, and sitting down to eat with my family is so BORING JESUS CHRIST WHO CARES. With Soylent, I just need enough brain power to mix water with powder. Hey honey, what’s for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of our lives? Oh that’s right, flesh colored sludge. “Oh man remember how we used to eat food?” we’d laugh as our teeth fall out of our mouths from under usage. Perfect, now we don’t have to waste time brushing our teeth, that’s another 4 minutes of “me time” that big dental can’t have.

Let’s just get this out of the way because I know you’re all thinking it. “Soylent Green is made out of people.” Probably the most famous Charlton Heston quote that doesn’t involve damn dirty apes or the business end of an assault rifle in your face. I can assure you that this new food alternative, and let’s just call it Soylent Beige for argument’s sake, is NOT made out of people. Disregard the distinct, flesh-like hue of the drink and focus more on the ingredients. Maltodextrin, Rice Protein, Oat Flour, and 100% of your recommended daily allowance of TOTALLY NOT GROUND UP HUMAN BODIES. They even underlined it.

That being said, maybe it’s best to name your food substitute, say… literally anything else. It’s like naming a new space-age baby formula Bleach and then being like, well duh, of course not THAT bleach, this is New Bleach. For babies to drink. Yeah, our logo is a skull and crossbones, it’s awesome.

I have some experience with liquid diets. A few years ago, my wife suggested we try a juice fast. The idea of flushing toxins from my body while drinking nothing but juice for 5 days sounded great. My body’s a cesspool of toxins, I love Hawaiian Punch, let’s do this. And then a box of kale water and broccoli nectar arrived on our doorstep, juices that were somehow more boring than regular water. The first day was fine. Halfway through the second day we were both rolling around on the floor, too weak to stand or punctuate our cursing with hand gestures. At my lowest point I tried eating one of the bottles just to feel something real. That night, embarrassed by defeat, we ate at the local Toxin Burger and smashed every glass of water they brought to the table.

Is Soylent Beige for me? Based on that last example, clearly not. But if you live in a part of the world where food isn’t guaranteed every day, it might be a good alternative to dying from malnutrition. Or at the very least, a good alternative to wallpaper paste.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

Another week, another special Awesome Talk final word. I tested this one out on about seven different focus groups and they all agreed: “Those sure are words.” Were they right? READ ON.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

The other day, due to circumstances I’d rather not disclose, I found myself with a large collection of teeth that I needed to dispose of. A few thousand frantic public library Google searches later, with phrases such as “teeth melt” “teeth melt no evidence” “teeth melt no evidence as few steps as possible”, I came across the old urban legend that said a tooth could dissolve in a can of soda. And that’s one of those things where you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting” or you’re like me and you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting, but what about like, an obscene amount of teeth. Like, more than an average person should have in a foot locker.” The library was closing, and there was no time for further research. It was, as Redman once said, time 4 sumaksion.

“Good morning John!” My neighbor waved at me from the next yard over as he watered his lawn. “What’s uh… going on over there?” I think he was talking about the bottles of soda I was pouring into a kiddie pool next to a foot locker labeled DEFINITELY NOT TEETH. “Hey good morning Bill. Oh you know, house stuff.” I stared at him, dead eyed, as I poured the last bottle into the pool. “Well, I’ll uh, let you get to it then,” Bill said as he dropped his hose and slowly walked backwards into his house. I grunted in his direction and stirred my concoction with a badminton racket. Long story short, I learned that teeth do not dissolve in soda. Not even cute little baby teeth. I also learned that it’s not easy to drag a kiddie pool full of soda and teeth onto your neighbor’s lawn when it’s swarming with bees. They don’t tell you these things on Snopes. Sometimes you need to visit

This happened once probably maybe who gives a shit

This happened once probably maybe not who gives a shit shut up

Heartbroken, it was time for more urband legend research. Maybe my favorite one is that Disney World visitors are not allowed to die on the premises. Say you were having a massive heart attack after a raucous twirl on the teacups, park workers would supposedly drag you into the parking lot to die, far away from the magic and whimsy. God that’s the best. What if you were decapitated on Space Mountain?  Would they keep your head frozen in a jar like Walt Disney and throw it on a bus headed for Universal Studios? What if you saw a dude dressed up like Donald Duck and he was teaching little kids how to smoke meth and your soul died? Disney World representatives did not have answers to these questions, but I think “Sir you need to stop calling here, this is Dorney Park” is actually code for “We’re illuminati lizard men, and we can do whatever we want.”

So all I’m saying is, don’t trust the internet to debunk urban legends. You have to get out there in the field, get your hands dirty – flash your highbeams at passing cars in the night if their lights are off! I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? How are you gonna know whether or not it’s a gang initiation thing unless you witness them pull a u-turn, run your car off the road and then stab you to death?  “I was right. I was so right,” you’ll gurgle as the newly initiated gang member is presented with his monogrammed jacket and plaque. The gang will all cheer and lift him up on their shoulders, but really, it’s you they should be celebrating. You, the stabbed to death, urban legend… what’s the opposite of debunking? Bunking, I guess. The stabbed to death, urban legend bunking hero.  Godspeed.