Jersey City

CRIMEWATCH: Port of Call: Jersey City: New Jersey: United States: of America

PATH train. Port Authority Trans-Hudson or Pimpin' Ain't That Hard?

People are murdered in the vicinity of my Jersey City apartment fairly regularly. I won’t say daily because even if it’s true, it just sounds excessive. Maybe bi-weekly? Is that twice a week, or every two weeks? I’ll say quarterly. Like, four times a day. Four times a day, people are murdered in the lobby of my apartment building. And it’s a nice building! Everyone seems pretty friendly, they all have interesting-looking babies and all that, it’s just that occasionally you find yellow police tape and chunks of brain on your Pottery Barn delivery in the mail room. Look, it happens when you live in a sprawling metropolis – you’re gonna get some shattered skull bits on your Oversize Moss Basket every once in a while.

Now I know what you’re thinking. John, you probably live in the yuppified white part of Jersey City, where crime is synonymous with the tapas restuarant getting stingy with their truffle oil, or the dogs in the dog park looking too adorable. OK, maybe a slight truth. Sure, the walls in the building swelled when Arcade Fire won an album of the year Grammy last night, and then nearly crumbled when Radiohead announced they were releasing a new perfect album this week, but we’re still a melting pot! We still have a cartoon pimp that lives down the street (pictured)! People still get murdered! No one shovels their walk! SHUT UP IT WAS ETHNIC WHEN I GOT HERE!

So yeah, crime. Here’s a look at some of the local flavor that explodes out of our melting pot and lands all over the goddamn gutter I call home.

Teens Beat, Rob Bayonne Man. See? SEE! We have rowdy teens that ask to borrow your phone and then punch you in the fucking face. Oh, who was I calling? Why, my knuckle specialist, because my knuckles smart like the dickens. Not sure what Bayonne Man should have done in this situation. Your first instinct is to assume that one in eight teens has a working cell phone, and relay that information to the teen gang. Second instinct is to lie through your teeth. No, I don’t have a cell phone! Isn’t that crazy, there are nine people walking down Montgomery Street and not a single one of us has a phone? TTFN, that’s slang for Ta-Ta-Fone-Needer! Then you duck into the vegan bakery/antique birdcage shoppe and call the police from your cellphone which was hidden in your pocket this whole time. Get a gluten-free muffin and then soar home on a wheat grass rainbow.

Man Attacked By Fellow Bowler. This is a pretty interesting article because I didn’t know we had a bowling alley in Jersey City. And “Everything is perfect except for the amount of bowling balls, they really need more bowling balls because they be taken and I am always stuck with the wrong sizes and then I look like I s*ck when I really don’t,” according to, the Yelp of bowling alley review sites. Everything is perfect except sometimes you get a bottle smashed over your head in the parking lot for stepping over the line, but for real guys, I give it a B-. More balls, less bottles, we’re talking A+ bowling alley material here.

Car Completely Buried By Snow Mound in Jersey City. If I was a newscaster, I’d introduce this story by saying, “And on the WHITER side of the news,” but the story is about snow, not white people. Allow me to continue my local news anchor audition: “And on the whiter side of the news tonight, take a look at this picture. No, you’re not seeing things, that’s an actual CAR buried under a mound of snow on Williams Avenue, photographed by local freelance news photographer Richard J. McCormack. Public service workers are unsure of how to free the car from its icy coffin, but you know what they say… ‘there’s snow business like snow business.’ They also say ‘Snow your belongings under your seat,’ ‘Snow snow snow your boat’ and ‘Quid pro snow, Clarice.’ Back to you (other anchor’s name, and if his or her name rhymes with snow, call them Snow, then chuckle).”

Is it April Fool’s or April Fools’ or Apri’l Fools?

Well it’s April 2nd, and once again I’m left questioning what’s real and what isn’t on the internet. Why do webmasters and webmistresses find it so funny to like, write everything backwards or remove vowels from their site on April Fools’ Day? Oh ho ho, I was expecting one thing, but I got something completely different… I’ve been APRIL FOOL HORNSWAGGLED.

Here are some stories and links that tripped me up yesterday.

You guys win, I'm sufficiently fooled.

Cypress Hill Debut “Rise Up” Video Online.  This one nearly got me until I realized that Cypress Hill* hasn’t put out an album since 1993, and… oh wait, they did?  They’ve released six albums since then?  And a new one is coming out this year?  Well then this is an even more successful prank, because there’s no way this song is real.  To really drive the prankiness home, they even hired Tom Morello to “Tom Morello it up” all over this fake track instead of just releasing a new video for “Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That,” which is all Cypress Hill should be doing until the end of time.

Boil water advisory remains in effect for Jersey City until tests prove water is safe to drink.  Haha, the water is never safe to drink here.  Nice try Jersey City!

The A-Team Trailer #2.  Again, I admire the production values that went into this prank.  It’s got Qui Gon, shirtless Bradley Cooper and a bunch of other dudes blowing shit up, just like the real A-Team from the early 60’s television program.  This appears to be a follow-up to the cinematic G.I. Joe prank that was released in theaters last year… and really, hats off to the masterminds behind that one.  You guys are good.  But yeah, sorry to get your hopes up A-Team fans, but this simply isn’t happening in 2010.

(* Note for my younger readers: Cypress Hill was one of (if not the most) successful Latino rap groups in the early 90’s.  With such hits as Insane in the Brain, How I Could Just Kill a Man, and I Ain’t Goin’ Out Like That, the group was very popular among dudes in backwards baseball hats, weed smokers, and weed smoking dudes in backwards baseball hats.  Tom Morello was the guitar player for Rage Against the Machine.  “The Machine” is the American government.)