halloween 4 sweatpants

Halloween 4 Sweatpants

My Instagram algorithm showed me an ad for Halloween 4 sweatpants. Sweatpants emblazoned with the words HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS on one leg, and some images both from and inspired by the film on the other. The sweatpants do not appear to be officially licensed. And the algorithm suggested that I’d like a pair of Halloween 4 sweatpants based on my interests. Namely, leisure wear and countless Halloween sequels. And it was at that moment, staring at my phone, finger hovering over the BUY IT NOW button under the ad for Halloween 4 sweatpants that I asked myself, what am I doing with my life?

Normal people don’t see ads like this. Normal people see ads for sweatpants that they could wear to brunch, because they’re nice sweatpants, and don’t feature the logo of a movie where a serial killer who was shot in the eyes and lit on fire two sequels prior is now back and not burned to a crisp and not blind. No normal person is waiting in line at the post office wearing sweatpants adorned with the image of a serial killer’s young niece dressed as a clown holding a pair of blood-soaked scissors, who through reasons that are never fully explained, has developed a telepathic link with her uncle. They’re probably just gray. The sweatpants that the person waiting in line at the post office is wearing. Maybe they’ll get a coffee or sweet treat from the bakery around the corner, and during the walk over, no one will look at their sweatpants and say, “Jesus christ.”

My issue with the sweatpants comes down to specificity. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. On a pair of sweatpants. Not just Halloween, or a picture of Michael Myers, or the classic jack-o-lantern that’s actually a big ol’ knife logo. No, when an individual wears Halloween 4 sweatpants they are making the following statements:

  • You think you like Halloween? Buddy, take a look at my legs and think again.
  • Do you remember the scene in Halloween 4 where Michael Myers is gingerly piercing the edge of a pumpkin with a large knife? Just kind of standing there? Well he never did that in Halloween 4 even though that image is printed on my sweatpants. And I’m such a fan of Halloween 4 that I know this off the top of my head, buster brown.
  • Hey you know what? Fuck you, pal. Just generally. This isn’t even about my sweatpants anymore, I just want you to know that this whole system? This society? Not for me, friend. Not today. Not ever.

In the long line of Halloween sequels, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is fine. It’s fine! After killing him off in part 2, then going completely sans-Michael in the (after years of hindsight) terrific part 3, the titular Return of the main character was inevitable in 1988, and it’s fine. You take the basic outline of the original, amp it up a little, throw a trench coat on Donald Pleasance (the only returning actor from the first two), have him run around, done. But, the opening credit sequence, the first minute of the movie, is surprisingly beautiful. Lingering shots of farmland at dusk, old tattered Halloween decorations (some of which are featured on the sweatpants [there’s a lot happening on these sweatpants]) interspersed with close-ups of sharp, deadly-looking farming implements. It’s quiet and subdued and creepy, and could very well be the best part of the movie that’s fine.

That being said, stop trying to sell me Halloween 4 sweatpants. There was a time when memories of a movie weren’t constantly being sold to me. The algorithms are now so specific, so firmly implanted in my eye sockets, that if I accidentally glance at a production still from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, an alarm sounds, a lever is pulled, and my feed demands that I buy a pair of sweatpants to pledge my loyalty to nostalgia. “REMEMBER THIS, FUCKO?” the algorithm asks as an ad for Saw 2 leggings slams a spiked bat into my brain. “SOOEY! PIGGIE LOVES HIS SLOP!” the algorithm screams as ad after ad for The Omen 3 lunchboxes tears me limb from limb like a pack of hunting dogs. Halloween 4 sweatpants were created in a lab. An A.I. was forced to watch Halloween 4 a hundred and fifty thousand times, then a few days later it threw up the concept of Halloween 4 all over a pair of sweatpants. They’re forty dollars. You can buy the blu-ray for eight bucks.