cobra retrieval

The C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System

A deadly cobra is missing from the Bronx Zoo and you’re the only one who can find it! This is not a choose your own adventure book, but if it was, here are your options – on page 72 you find the cobra, battle it, and the cobra rues the day it ever attempted to escape. On page 153 it kills you and cobras take over the fucking world. That’s it! It’s a pretty lengthy book considering there are only two possible outcomes, but these are the stakes when fighting deadly snakes. Thankfully, there is a foolproof system in place to ensure your victory over the snake kingdom phylum class subgenre, outlined by this simple acrostic: 

The C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System
C – Consider your options.
O – Observe the area.
B – Bite back.
R – Repeat the previous step.
A – (call an) Ambulance.

Let’s “break it down” ala Stop, Hammer Times:


C – Consider your options. Look, maybe the snake isn’t really missing ok? I swear to god he was here a minute ago… no, you know what, he’s right ther- no, shit that’s a leaf. OK OK OK, think think think, he doesn’t have any legs so he probably didn’t get very far, right? I am so screwed. I am SO SCREWED. Let me retrace my steps – ok I was in the closet getting the snake chow, then I opened the tank to drop in the snake chow, then my phone rang, and I dropped it into the tank and then… oh shit my phone’s gone too! Are you kidding me? Are you fucking serious right now? If that snake took my phone I am going to be so pissed. DO YOU HEAR ME SNAKE?! SO. PISSED.

O – Observe the area. By this point, you’re fairly certain that the cobra is on the loose, possibly with an iPhone 3GS. You’re like 60% positive it didn’t leave the reptile house because it’s unseasonably cold in the Bronx right now, so you round up some of your buddies to secure the perimeter. Because that sounds pretty awesome, and what friend wouldn’t be like HELL YEAH if you asked them to secure a perimeter? No friend wouldn’t do that. At this point, we’re going to make a fairly huge assumption for the sake of the acrostic – you found the snake, and armed with a butterfly net and a hammer, you’ve got that sonofabitch cornered.

B – Bite back. And of course the thing bites you. You tell your friends to abandon their perimeter posts and run for their lives and then you assess the situation. You’ve got about ten minutes before you lose sensation in your limbs, so it’s time to act with your most important limb – your mouth. BITE IT BACK! You’ve got the venom inside you now, and cobras are deathly allergic to cobra venom. The venom is going to be dripping out of your canine teeth, but just to be safe, just get as much of the cobra into your mouth as possible and with a chewing motion, chew the shit out of the snake’s head. Really get in there like RARRRGHHHH. The venom in your system will act as an anti-venom in case the thing gets smart and tries to bite you again while it’s inside your mouth.

R- Repeat the previous step. Things are going to stop making sense around the sixth minute of your attack. The skin around the bite will be reaching an advanced stage of necrosis, and while your lungs will still be functioning, they’re going to feel both on fire and flooded with a cold inexplicable liquid. The earth will be spinning faster than ever before and the faces of your loved ones will pass before your lifeless, vacant eyes, all hissing and flicking their tongues at you. Embracing death’s warm embrace will feel like your number one priority right now. This is totally normal, but NOT an excuse to stop. Continue biting until you reach bone.

A – (call an) Ambulance. If you’ve followed the C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System to the letter, the escaped cobra will be subdued and looking groggy. You’ve saved the day and, wait a second, your phone was in your pocket this whole time! You mistook it for a tin of Altoids. With your last remaining seconds of consciousness, it’s time to call an ambulance. When they ask for your name, reply (your name), Cobra Commander. They’ll handle the rest. The cobra, embarrassed and stupid, will crawl back into its tank, close the lid and rue the day it ever attempted to escape in the first place. Rue the day, sweet cobra. Rue the day. Sweet cobra.

Other sites would use this final paragraph to drop a disclaimer, like, this information is for entertainment purposes only, and any living, fictional or dead cobras will probably kill you if you perform any of the actions above. But not here. I stand by the C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System 100%, and I guarantee that you’ll successfully find, fight and fucking decimate any cobra that you see by following this scientifically proven system. Did you know that if you pay a snake wrangler enough money, they’ll say literally anything you put in front of them? Just ask snake wrangler and world’s leading cobra puncher Jeffrey Trombonés, who says, “C.O.B.R.A. R.O.C.K.S. (Readily Obliterates Cobra King of Snakes) dude!” Seriously ask yourself, why would Jeffrey put his exceedingly awesome name and reputation on the line?