February, 2015:

Fatherly Advice: Shit’s Creek Edition

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I will not be a father any time soon. Maybe it was the way my wife looked me in the eyes over dinner a few months after we started dating, placed her hands on mine and whispered, “I am never fucking having children.” I nodded and poked at my appetizer, and she continued to repeat the word “never” well into the dessert course. Kind of chanted it, really. But there is a longing inside me, not for a child, but to dish out fatherly advice. Don’t touch that thing, this is how a baseball works, stop looking at daddy, etc. So, here’s some wisdom that I would kick down to my children if they would ever come out of their goddamn bedrooms and face me.

Kids, sometimes, there’s going to be a pipe in your basement, and you’re not going to know what it does. And that’s ok. Your mom and I had a pipe like that in the basement once. “Hey, what do you think this pipe does?” I asked her. She was upstairs so she didn’t hear me. When you’re married, you’ll understand that most of your time will be spent talking to people that aren’t in the same room as you, then getting mad when they can’t hear you. Anywho, one day I went into the basement to switch the laundry and noticed that the floor was covered in water. Immediately following this discovery, I noticed that the toilet in the basement (which I dubbed “the murder toilet” the first time I saw it) was… how do I put this… erupting goddamn raw sewage all over the fucking place. You know the beauty and majesty of Old Faithful? Kind of like that, but a geyser of shit.

You think you can take your old man?

You think you can take your old man?

Remember the mystery pipe from a few sentences ago? OK, well sewage was also pouring out of that. So I stood there, shit water at high tide, and called your mom downstairs and screamed WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS? She made some phone calls while I got down on both knees, pointed my middle fingers to the heavens and snarled at God. Why God? What did I do to deserve this besides only asking for help when the Powerball goes above $300 million?

Long story short, the sewer man came and removed an errant rag from the sewer line, which was diverting Shit’s Creek into the basement. He proudly held it up like a fisherman that just caught the world’s most unappetizing mackerel. “Do you want it?” he asked. I said no, as we’re more of a catch and release household when it comes to shitty rags. So kids, the moral of the story is, if you panic enough, someone that’s better in crisis situations will step in and make it all better. In this example it was your mom and the sewer man.

Actually, now that I think of it, that’s really the only advice that I have to give. Let other people take care of everything all the time, kids. Specifically when it comes to shit geysers. I love you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Valentine’s Day II: The Ol’ B&E Switcheroo

Around this time last year, I talked about the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Though I didn’t want to admit it, I now realize that surprising your lover with a family of mannequin children is not only a terrible idea, but also extremely costly. Raising one kid in this economy is hard enough, but five or six mannekids?  Not to mention joint repair, seasonal outfit changes, their tiny judgmental voices that only you can hear, the list goes on and on. So this year, let’s get back to basics. This Valentine’s Day, give her a gift she’ll never forget: a home invasion.

As a goof of course! I like to call it The Ol’ B&E Switcheroo.  It’s like a 50 Shades of Grey roleplay scenario, except instead of some entry-level kink, fake prowlers will break into your house, knock some stuff over, and as they attempt to kidnap your Valentine at gunpoint for ransom money, you’ll step in and save the day. This will teach her the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, and maybe you’ll even get your name in the paper. Also to make sure this whole thing looks real, you will be shot. Let’s get started!

First thing’s first, you’re going to need one to two bandits, burglars, crimeguys, what have you, to carry out the mock home invasion. Preferably someone that knows the layout of your home, so maybe talk to some friends from church. Casually drop some references to your plan in everyday conversation, like, “Oh man wouldn’t it be weird if you guys broke into my house” or “I want you fellas to shoot me as a goof.” If they already have ski masks then you’re ahead of the game. If not, maybe they can be expensed as part of the mission. You’re really going to have to work it out with them. And please, this is supposed to be a special event, so why not spring for a professional ski mask fitting? You don’t want two bozos rolling up to your house in ill-fitting ski masks, thereby ruining the immersion.

I love you.

I love you.

When the 14th rolls around, at 8:00 at night, kiss your Valentine on the head and over a dramatic yawn, say you’re going to hit the hay. After all, you had a very busy day lining your body with blood capsules and squibs, Dawn of the Dead / Tom Savini style. Phase 1 complete. Phase 2 begins when the “prowlers” throw themselves through the parlor window and look menacing.  It’s all part of the roleplay. This is fun. Everyone is having a great time. You come bounding down the stairs with the perfect quip, like – “Hey, what are you doing?” or “I had no idea this was going to happen!” BANG your buddy from church shoots you with a hopefully fake gun and that’s your cue to start triggering the squibs. You really have to sell this part, because it leads directly into phase 3: The Kidnapping.

You’re lying there, covered head to toe in blood (because maybe you went a bit overboard with the squibs), and the prowlers are acting out the script you wrote for them. “I can’t believe we killed him,” one of them will say. “Aye. ‘Tis truly a shame he died on the Saint Valentine’s Day. Oh well, let’s do a kidnapping on this lady.” Then, suddenly you spring back to life, knock out your buddies from church, and save the day. Now get down on one knee, hold her hand and say,  “I came back to life for you. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

It’s just that easy. A Valentine’s Day fit for a queen. Her friends will be so jealous, and on the off chance she discovers that this whole scenario was fabricated, flowers are always cheaper the day after Valentine’s Day.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.