September, 2014:

Oh ho ho just a few commercials to watch, enjoy & share! ;)

If I’ve learned one thing from the show Mad Men, it’s that I have about three season’s worth of tolerance for the show Mad Men. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that I’ve learned two things from the Mad Men. The second thing I learned is that I have what it takes to be a self destructive bourbon sipping Madison Avenue ad man. Remember when we were growing up, the garbage they used to sell us in between episodes of Duck Tales? It was all the same – pre-packaged after school snacks, featuring helmeted kids on skateboards grinding on rails made of frosting, flipkicking over senior citizens who are screaming that we need to “turn down those darned snacks, somebody could get hurt!” Hey fuck you grandma, these toaster pastries are packed with vitamin eat shit and die. A couple guitar licks, now the grannies are rapping for some reason, and there you have it. Every commercial from our childhood.

There was also an obsession with food being “fun to eat.” This chicken nugget is fun because it’s shaped like a dinosaur. It is fun to eat. I am having fun with my friends after soccer practice because our food does not require utensils or refrigeration. This is fun.

You're gonna like the way you look.

You’re gonna like the way you look.

We’re more sophisticated now, and we deserve better ads. This is where I come in… with my unsolicited ad submissions.

Simplicity is key. Who can forget the “Do you have milk” campaign? “Well, do you?” Neve Campbell’s frothy mustache asked. Then we, collectively as a country replied, “Yes, we have milk,” and awaited further instructions. Here’s where my ad campaign would have taken the milk game to the next level if the brass over at Big Dairy returned my phone calls. I’d go fully Lynchian – It’s a peaceful summer day in a quiet midwestern suburb. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, a newspaper lands perfectly on a front stoop. A man in a robe bends down to pick up the paper, and suddenly the camera is traveling through his spinal cord. At the end, instead of a brain, there is a tall, frosty, screaming glass of milk. Then the scene slowly dissolves to the man drowning in a lake, with pulsating udders superimposed over his thrashing body. The screen goes black, the word MILK? flashes on screen for half a millisecond, then you’re back to watching Modern Family.

Curiously, my next submission was also shot down. I wanted to create a recruiting ad for marine biologists. What if there was a shortage one day, how are we going to get people excited about aquatic discovery again? My idea was a 30 second underwater shot with a gravelly voice at the end saying, “We look at more fucking seahorses before 7 a.m. than most of you assholes do all day.”  Apparently that’s not the type of message the aquatic science community wishes to share with the world, nor is there a need to recruit scientists through tv commercials. Two things I should have thought about before renting $800,000 worth of underwater cameras that were used to film Titanic.

Rejected, again and again. What would the Mad Men do? Oh, probably drink heavily, live a tortured existence, destroy the lives of everyone unfortunate enough to know them in real life, and look great in a suit. I’ve never been more qualified for anything in my life.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Are you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?

The security guard at my job insists that I a) drink Coronas every day after work and b) have a vast knowledge of DVD pirating software. Let’s start with the first one. I think maybe he saw me at a Christmas party two years ago drinking a Corona and just assumed that was my thing. There’s that guy that stands in the corner, flinching when coworkers approach him, just suckin down Coronas till the Mexican word for cows come home. I should probably ask him about it every time I see him. It never fails:

“Hey how’s it going man, you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?” I think the first time he asked me I started doing finger guns like, psh, hell yeah I’m gonna drink a Corona tonight, what do I look like over here? The second time I said something douchey like, “Haha, at the least!” Like, not only am I going to go home and drink a Corona, I might smoke some drugs. I might kill a man. I’m a ticking fucking time bomb ese, you have no idea. The third time the strange man with a gun asked me if I was going to go home and drink a Corona, I began to question our relationship. What are you, counting my drinks? I don’t have to answer to YOU. With your badge and your suit. Do you know how many LIMES I would go through if I had a Corona every day? Plus, haven’t you heard of the Mexican lime cartels? DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE LIMES ARE RIGHT NOW? I’m not a Templario, ok guy?

Now I’m caught in an infinite conversation loop with a person who doesn’t understand how conversations work, as he attempts to talk to someone that doesn’t want to have a conversation. I don’t have the heart to say, “Dude, this has to stop. I drink all sorts of things ok? I like coffee. I drink water. I drank an indecipherable liquid from a Portuguese soccer trophy once and slipped into a cute little coma for a few hours.” I don’t say these things. Instead I do the ol’, “Heh heh yeah man ok see you later” and then power walk out the door.

lewisThe weird thing is, I’m not quite sure what this security guard is guarding. He’s only in the building from 3:30 to 5:00, and there’s nothing there worth stealing. I’m forced to assume that this guy is some kind of Corona spokesperson.

One day he threw me a curveball. I braced myself for the strange line of beer questioning but instead was asked if I could get him a copy of some ancient DVD ripping software. “You know what this is right?” he asked. “I want to make a copy of a DVD so I can watch it on my TV whenever I want.” He was very insistent that I got him some version from the mid 2000’s. I reluctantly nodded and said that I would see what I could do. 7,000 malware and phishing warnings later, I learned that his request was impossible. This thing was banished from the internet, and I would need to download it from some deep web forum that probably sold children’s organs and cocaine by mail.

So I did what any normal person would do – I avoided him for about a month. Eventually he stopped me in the hall, and god help me, I really felt like I let him down. “Sorry man, I don’t think I can get it for you.” His head sunk, his shoulders slumped, all this guy wanted to do was pirate movies, and I failed him. “It’s ok,” he said, “You probably drank too many Coronas, that’s why you couldn’t find it.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.