August, 2014:’s Better Than’s First Date Tips

eHarmony has a list of ten tips for initiating, planning, and surviving a first date. It’s a bad list, full of “no doi” pointers. “Be confident.” “Dress to impress.” “Breathe occasionally.” “Apply pressure to fresh wounds.” I’ve been on a few first dates, and I’ve compiled the following list of better than eHarmony tips. In fact, that’s what it’s called:’s Better Than’s First Date Tips.

The water conundrum. Pop quiz hotshot – the waiter asked if you want bottled or tap water. If you spring for the bottled water, it shows that money is no object on this, your enchanted first date. If you go with tap water it shows that you’re an eco-conscious everyman with a sense of adventure. Here’s an advanced technique: stare the waiter dead in the eyes and say, “Half tap. Half bottled.” The music stops, silverware crashes, old Victorian-era women are fanning themselves and gasping and passing out all around you. This date is off to a great start, and by the way, you look lovely this evening.

"... look, I'm sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit."

“… look, I’m sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit.”

Ordering for your date. Ordering for your date is an antiquated practice, so you should avoid doing it. It gives the impression that she is maybe too stupid to read, or understand how side dishes work. The only time it’s customary to order for your date is if you’re at a drive up window. “Yes, I’ll have a number 3, and the little lady will have something of equal or lesser value because it’s Tuesday before 6 pm and I have a coupon. Also hurry the fuck up, it’s our first date over here.” She’ll be impressed because you’re a man that can handle finances, and your collection of ketchup packets and ants in the glove compartment really speaks for itself.

Phrases to Avoid. Words are hard sometimes. Review the following list of phrases to avoid.

  • Your job sounds boring as shit, I bet I could do it like a million times better though.

  • What’s your favorite Aryan subreddit?

  • Would it be ok if I got a booster seat for my taxidermied owl?

  • I keep my pistol in a hollowed out bible, and my bullets in the hollowed out skulls of my online haters.

The Leftovers. Avoid asking to take your date’s leftovers home with you. Muttering, “because I fucking paid for this bullshit” under your breath is not going to help your case. However, if you insist on taking the leftovers home, ask your waiter to box it up for you, avoid pulling a ziplock bag out of your pants pocket. God forbid you accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings. This should really have its own section, but if you do accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings, just say you’re holding it for a friend.

Ending on a high note. Congratulations, the date is now over. Much like the survivors of a horrible plane crash, it is customary to hug your date once complete. Really get in there, see what you’re working with. Three gentle kisses on the forehead followed by a handwritten letter thanking her for her time, and you’re now free to go home to your darkened hovel and text her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s ok. If you followed all of my advice, you’re probably well on your way to marriage. Please do not invite me, my dress shoes are very tight and make it difficult for me to dance. Thank you.

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