June 18th, 2014:

Autoblow 2 – Frequently Asked Questions

A lot of people ask me, “Hey John, what do you do for a living again?” And I say, I’m a technical writer. I write software documentation, error messages… and at this point I see their eyes fluttering and rolling back into their heads. I administer the smelling salts and they regain consciousness. “Oh yeah yeah, hey wow that sounds really fascinating,” they yawn as they check their imaginary beeper and mumble something about “having to take this.”

ab2Granted, writing sentences like, “Step 5: Click the Install button to install” is not very fulfilling. So that’s why I offer my tech writing expertise to products I feel strongly about, completely unsolicited and without warning. Such as the recently crowdfunded robotic blow job device, the Autoblow 2. Oh you know, it’s just the revolutionary stroker that’s powered by a standard wall plug, works with 3 interchangeable sleeves, and features a motor that’s rated to last over 500 hours! It’s only the hottest jerk bot around, having raised over $280,000 on indiegogo from sticky-fingered philanthropists.

Clearly the makers of the Autoblow 2 are proud of their product. “THE BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT” screams their website. Lots of videos and testimonials, nice font choices, etc. But their frequently asked questions page? It’s a goddamn disgrace. Ooh how long will it take to ship to my unmarked storm drain? Durr how often do I need to change the  ejaculate filter on this thing? Pitiful. Here are some frequently asked questions worthy of this miracle device:

Q: I’m thoroughly enjoying my Autoblow 2. But I have to ask, what happened to the Autoblow 1?

A: Customers found the Autoblow 1, codename BONE DRONE, to be too lifelike. Much like the uncanny valley, we created virtual blowjob technology that was too perfect for this world. So perfect that the human mind couldn’t comprehend the sensations delivered by BONE DRONE. Therefore, it had to be destroyed for the good of mankind.

Q: I don’t know how to say this, but… I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with my Autoblow 2. Is this normal? It’s normal right? There’s nothing wrong with me. This thing feels good, and I’ve earned this. I work hard every day, and I’m a well-adjusted, capital N Normal fella. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m leaving my wife.

A: We’re so happy that you’re enjoying your Autoblow 2 experience! Never contact us again.

Q: I’m sure you get this a lot, but can this thing jerk me to death? Or near death? Basically I want to look God straight in the eye as I climax, is there a setting for that?

A: Although “Death Jerk” is not a supported feature of the Autoblow 2, the device can be jailbroken to accommodate custom settings. Please note that installing custom firmware on your device voids the manufacturer’s warranty, and we cannot be held responsible for any ejaculation-based death, near death, or afterlife experiences.

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