June, 2014:

Autoblow 2 – Frequently Asked Questions

A lot of people ask me, “Hey John, what do you do for a living again?” And I say, I’m a technical writer. I write software documentation, error messages… and at this point I see their eyes fluttering and rolling back into their heads. I administer the smelling salts and they regain consciousness. “Oh yeah yeah, hey wow that sounds really fascinating,” they yawn as they check their imaginary beeper and mumble something about “having to take this.”

ab2Granted, writing sentences like, “Step 5: Click the Install button to install” is not very fulfilling. So that’s why I offer my tech writing expertise to products I feel strongly about, completely unsolicited and without warning. Such as the recently crowdfunded robotic blow job device, the Autoblow 2. Oh you know, it’s just the revolutionary stroker that’s powered by a standard wall plug, works with 3 interchangeable sleeves, and features a motor that’s rated to last over 500 hours! It’s only the hottest jerk bot around, having raised over $280,000 on indiegogo from sticky-fingered philanthropists.

Clearly the makers of the Autoblow 2 are proud of their product. “THE BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT” screams their website. Lots of videos and testimonials, nice font choices, etc. But their frequently asked questions page? It’s a goddamn disgrace. Ooh how long will it take to ship to my unmarked storm drain? Durr how often do I need to change the  ejaculate filter on this thing? Pitiful. Here are some frequently asked questions worthy of this miracle device:

Q: I’m thoroughly enjoying my Autoblow 2. But I have to ask, what happened to the Autoblow 1?

A: Customers found the Autoblow 1, codename BONE DRONE, to be too lifelike. Much like the uncanny valley, we created virtual blowjob technology that was too perfect for this world. So perfect that the human mind couldn’t comprehend the sensations delivered by BONE DRONE. Therefore, it had to be destroyed for the good of mankind.

Q: I don’t know how to say this, but… I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with my Autoblow 2. Is this normal? It’s normal right? There’s nothing wrong with me. This thing feels good, and I’ve earned this. I work hard every day, and I’m a well-adjusted, capital N Normal fella. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m leaving my wife.

A: We’re so happy that you’re enjoying your Autoblow 2 experience! Never contact us again.

Q: I’m sure you get this a lot, but can this thing jerk me to death? Or near death? Basically I want to look God straight in the eye as I climax, is there a setting for that?

A: Although “Death Jerk” is not a supported feature of the Autoblow 2, the device can be jailbroken to accommodate custom settings. Please note that installing custom firmware on your device voids the manufacturer’s warranty, and we cannot be held responsible for any ejaculation-based death, near death, or afterlife experiences.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Soylent, from the makers of Hell Gravy, the poisonous gravy from Hell

Soylent is the hot new food substitute that’s intended to supply all the nutrients the human body needs without the time, money, or effort associated with real food. For about $4 a serving, this “just add water” replacement could revolutionize the way we think about food, and it’s being targeted at people who are too busy to eat. It also looks like the cloudy water that accumulates in the last bowl in the sink when you’re doing the dishes.



But how does it taste? Reviews are all over the place, from “This is real bad” to “Why are you doing this to me?” But forget all that. I don’t know about you, but I am sick of thinking about what to eat every day. I’m a very powerful, fancy man, and sitting down to eat with my family is so BORING JESUS CHRIST WHO CARES. With Soylent, I just need enough brain power to mix water with powder. Hey honey, what’s for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of our lives? Oh that’s right, flesh colored sludge. “Oh man remember how we used to eat food?” we’d laugh as our teeth fall out of our mouths from under usage. Perfect, now we don’t have to waste time brushing our teeth, that’s another 4 minutes of “me time” that big dental can’t have.

Let’s just get this out of the way because I know you’re all thinking it. “Soylent Green is made out of people.” Probably the most famous Charlton Heston quote that doesn’t involve damn dirty apes or the business end of an assault rifle in your face. I can assure you that this new food alternative, and let’s just call it Soylent Beige for argument’s sake, is NOT made out of people. Disregard the distinct, flesh-like hue of the drink and focus more on the ingredients. Maltodextrin, Rice Protein, Oat Flour, and 100% of your recommended daily allowance of TOTALLY NOT GROUND UP HUMAN BODIES. They even underlined it.

That being said, maybe it’s best to name your food substitute, say… literally anything else. It’s like naming a new space-age baby formula Bleach and then being like, well duh, of course not THAT bleach, this is New Bleach. For babies to drink. Yeah, our logo is a skull and crossbones, it’s awesome.

I have some experience with liquid diets. A few years ago, my wife suggested we try a juice fast. The idea of flushing toxins from my body while drinking nothing but juice for 5 days sounded great. My body’s a cesspool of toxins, I love Hawaiian Punch, let’s do this. And then a box of kale water and broccoli nectar arrived on our doorstep, juices that were somehow more boring than regular water. The first day was fine. Halfway through the second day we were both rolling around on the floor, too weak to stand or punctuate our cursing with hand gestures. At my lowest point I tried eating one of the bottles just to feel something real. That night, embarrassed by defeat, we ate at the local Toxin Burger and smashed every glass of water they brought to the table.

Is Soylent Beige for me? Based on that last example, clearly not. But if you live in a part of the world where food isn’t guaranteed every day, it might be a good alternative to dying from malnutrition. Or at the very least, a good alternative to wallpaper paste.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.