January, 2014:

AWESOMETALK – More Like Bad Racer More Like Badtris More Like Super Mario Badly

Here’s my final FINAL word for the January 28th, 2014 episode of AwesomeTalk! Speaking of which, after a long and painful initiation, I’m now an official member of the AwesomeTalk crew, which means I’ll be there live all the damn time, having some drinks and shooting the shit with a crossbow.

OH AND ALSO ALSO I was a special guest on Ice and the Face, a podcast starring Rick and Sarah of AwesomeTalk. I’ve completely infiltrated all facets of their lives, it’s wonderful. Check out episode 4 from 1/27/14  right over here.

Anyway, here’s my thing read it thanks

More Like Bad Racer More Like Badtris More Like Super Mario Badly

nintendo-world-championship-1990-nesA piece of my childhood is being auctioned off on ebay for over $30,000 as we speak. It’s a game cartridge that was used in the Nintendo World Championships from 1990, where fat children in neon shirts fought to the death in timed trials of skill, chance… and that’s it really. Maybe hunger? Gamers went head-to-head in explosive deathmatches, testing their might in Super Mario Bros, Rad Racer and Tetris for cash and prizes.

And I was there. One Saturday afternoon, my parents took me to the mall for two things – elastic church pants and a chance to use my gaming skills to live my dream of traveling the world… to play Nintendo in other countries. And there, in the back of Sears was the holy grail of nerd-dom – three folding tables, 8 folding chairs and 8 Nintendo systems. The rules were simple – score the most points in Super Mario in three minutes and you would move on to the World Championships in New York. Now, I know what you’re thinking and the answer is surprisingly, yes – I know what the inside of a vagina feels like.

Without going to deep in to my master strategy, which was to accidentally die early and get more points, I won. And like the baseball player that died of Lou Gehrig’s Disease who considered himself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, I also consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth and will die when I’m 38.

ohgodkillmefatnerdSo, now I was a contender, and for weeks, I honed my Mario, Rad Racer and Tetris skills. And in reality, I had no idea what I was actually training for, but it gave me an excuse to play games instead of do my homework or practice piano scales or talk about something that wasn’t the Nintendo World Championships. Finally, the day came – my father and I went to New York, and I, wearing my finest pair of parachute pants, Hammer Time-ed my way over to the Javitz Center. I was ready. Only this time, instead of competing against a handful of mongoloids in the Sears lawnmower department, I’d be competing against hundreds of mongoloids in a convention center. I found my spot, received some words of encouragement from my father and prepared myself for what would be the most intense challenge of my life. I’m sure instead of firing a starter pistol, some broken shell of an man in a fruity jumpsuit fired a zapper in the air that shot confetti all over the contestants, but I didn’t notice.

Six minutes and 21 seconds later, the contest was over and I lost. My dreams of being hoisted above the crowd as they chanted my name in slow motion disappeared. I just kinda stood there, staring at the 8-bit graphics on the screen telling me how bad I was at video games. I walked away, found my father in the crowd, played a few demos and left. So after all that, like seventeen paragraphs worth of build-up, that’s it. But, with 30 something thousand dollars and a little bit of luck, I can relive this experience over and over. I’ll be the winner because I’m the only one playing, and there is absolutely nothing pathetic about that at all.

AWESOMETALK – S2E2 featuring Trevor Moore and Myself

Season 2, episode 2 of AwesomeTalk is up and ready to be viewed! Laughs were laughed, drinks were drunk, Trevor Moore from The Whitest Kids U’ Know was interviewed, and I mentioned Puck from The Real World more than anyone should in the 2014.

AWESOMETALK – The Wild’s Call Book Review

I did something a little different for AwesomeTalk this week – book reviewin’. Here’s Amazon’s synopsis of The Wild’s Call:

It is seven years after the collapse of modern civilization, and the world is entering a new Dark Age. Can best friends Elysia and Darien trust the animal spirits that are beckoning them to escape into the wilderness and create a new way of life? And will they give in to the mutual passion they’ve always denied?

So many questions. This mutual passion, is this between best friends Elysia and Darien, or Elysia and the wolf on the cover, or Darien and the forest full of untrustworthy spirit animals? Now, I didn’t take the time to actually read The Wild’s Call as part of my book review, but I decided to write an excerpt myself and base my review on that.

Notebooks are spiral bound on all four sides in this dystopian nightmare world.

Notebooks are spiral bound on all four sides in this dystopian nightmare world.

Chapter 4: Deadly Beginnings

Elysia stood at the edge of town and holstered her sword or gun or whatever and said, “Looks like the world is ending. Damn.” She lit a cigarette and thought, the ash on this cigarette is a metaphor for earth. Soon the ash will be not on the cigarette anymore, just like the people. OK wait, maybe the ash is more like-

But before she could finish her thought, she was interrupted by her best friend Darien who was riding his hover bike or horse or hover horse or whatever. “We should get out of here Elysia. It’s not safe. The world – it’s entering a new dark age.” She knew he was right. It all started 7 years ago when an evil corporation was elected president. The rest is history.

“You’re right,” said Elysia. She took a bite of a nourishment cube and consulted her holo-map. “But where should we go?” Darien smiled like a dumb fucking stupid idiot and said, “Remember the spirit animals? The ones in the wilderness? We should go to them for reasons that are too complicated for anyone to understand.”

Elysia had a look on her face that said but I don’t understand Darien and said, “But I don’t understand, Darien. I thought the spirit animals were outlawed by the president. You know, the president that’s an evil corporation?” Seven years, she thought to herself. Seven damn years.

Darien punched the air like an anime character and yelled ‘THEY’RE IN A SECRET PLACE NOW YEAH!!” Suddenly a spirit animal materialized in front of them. It was a stately wolf, sexy, dangerous, and very, very anatomically correct. “Follow me Darien” the wolf whispered in his secret wolf language. It sounded like a garbage disposal full of screaming gravel, but at the same time sexy, dangerous, and very, very anatomically correct.

Elysia looked at her best friend Darien. Poor, foolish, stupid, slovenly, ugly idiot Darien. He’ll never know the truth. He’ll never know that his best friend Elysia was actually an evil corporation, and he was leading her right to the secret place where the spirit animals do whatever it is they do. “Let’s go,” said Elysia. “And plunge the world into a new dark age,” she whispered under her breath. “Forever.” She said at a normal volume. “And ever.” she whispered.

I give The Wild’s Call 5 out of 5 stars. It’s really good. I liked the part with the wolf and the unfinished cigarette metaphor.