The guys and gal at Awesome Talk had me back for another Final Word last night. I love them all very deeply. My final word, which started out as a “hurr amazon drones” story turned into something else pretty quickly! Without further adieuou, here is my –
Final Word on the Future and Other Things Also
Last week I asked the Awesome Talk crew if they had a travel budget. I had a really great idea for a story, and when I told them what it was, they said, “John, whatever you need, go for it. You’re the best. We support you and love you with all of your hearts, and you should reach for the stars.” So I did. And thanks to their generous funding, I was able to travel 7 years into the future. And just like you guys asked, I saved all of my receipts and brought back a sports almanac for each of you.
So, I’m sure you all have some questions. The first one would probably be, “What are jeans like in the year 2020?” Well, they’re still made of denim, but now they’re also rechargeable. The second question would probably be, “Yo do they got robots you can bang or what’s the deal here?” The answer is yes it’s really, really disgusting and… uh, you know what, that’s it for questions for a while. Let’s keep going.
Remember when we were all freaking out about Amazon drones? Little adorable helicopters that would deliver paper towels to our houses 30 minutes after we ordered them? And just because we associated drones with killing civilians and sometimes maybe American citizens, we were a little grossed out by the idea of Amazon drone strikes? Well, as someone that has seen the future, I’m here to tell you that we were all so, so stupid. They have drones for EVERYTHING in the year 2020, and it’s the best. Here’s a completely real thing that happens in the future – you wake up hungry in the middle of the night. A drone blasts into your sleep pod and shoves a food pill down your throat. Where did it come from? How did it know I was hungry? What was in that pill? I don’t know, I don’t care, I have future shit to attend to.
If there’s one negative thing associated with the drones, if you can even call it a negative, is that there’s a constant, low frequency humming that fills the blood red skies, and sometimes there’s static rain. Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer, those are so 7 years ago. Now there is one season and it’s called STATICA. Some side effects of Statica: people with weak stomachs vomit uncontrollably 24 hours a day. Birds with weak bodies explode like fireworks on the fourth of Statica Month 7. Breathable air, potable water, skin that stays on your body, all of these are optional during Statica. But the drones soar like majestic eagles, with the rocket’s red glare and the bombs bursting in- oh right there are bombs going off pretty much all the time during Statica.
So that’s it. The future is perfect, and you guys have nothing to worry about. Just to recap: Drones are nice, uncontrollable vomiting, Gray’s. Sports. Almanac. Oh, and we had the first unanimously elected president, and it was a box of kittens. And Star Wars 8 was bullshit.