November, 2010:

Happy Thanksgiving, no cops on this one.

Turkey Hunting from TheState on Vimeo.

TMJ more like TMA-OK

Hate you Tony Hawk and your love of grinding.

I avoided seeing a dentist for about three years for a few reasons. First, I always seemed to get the hygienist that could turn a routine cleaning into a homicidal bloodbath. “YOU HAVE WEAK GUMS!” she would scream over the whirring of the steam-powered water blade that removed the plaque-filled chunks between my teeth. Geysers of blood erupting from mouth, splashing off her face mask and dripping back down on me as she asks me if I believe in the word of God. “You’re brushing too hard!” scrape scrape scrape “You’re not flossing hard enough!” poke poke poke “Are you using toothpaste or baby diarrhea? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Then the dentist would come in, look at my mouth for three seconds and say how fantastic it looks and send me on my way with a plastic baggie full of travel-sized oral cleansers that I clearly had no idea how to use. “Have a great day!” said the dentist, while the hygienist is over her shoulder, mouthing the words, “I am going to fucking kill you,” with a dental pick held up to her head like a pistol.

So that’s one reason. The second reason is that they stopped taking my insurance, so I took it as a sign that I should find a new dentist. That never happened because I’m an incredibly busy, fancy man. Long story short, three years later my teeth start to hurt so I find a new dentist, lose considerably less blood during my cleaning, and all is well. UNTIL DOT DOT DOT

Dentist: So it looks like you’ve been grinding your teeth. Do you think it’s while you sleep, or…?
Me: Hmm, I’m not sure (grind grind grind) what you’re talking (CLAMP) about.
Dentist: You’re grinding them right now.
Me: No, this is just that thing that everyone does. Y’know like when you lock up your muscles and your jaw clamps shut and your hatred for life disappears for –
Me: – a few seconds? Y’know that thing?
Dentist: That’s not a thing.
Me: Oh, right. Actually I meant that other thing where you bite down on your teeth really hard because it’s the only thing that makes sense in the world. That’s totally what I meaNT AH HA HA HA OH MY GOD IT HURTS SO (GRIND CLAMP CRUNCH) FUCKING GOOD!

There’s nothing like hearing from a medical professional that something you absentmindedly do every day is incredibly bad for you. She dunked my head into the spit sink next to me and I regained my composure. I’m now scheduled for a mouth guard fitting to protect my fragile teeth from myself while I sleep, and this is not embarrassing at all! Two of my heroes, Rocky Balboa and Lil’ Wayne both use mouth guards, and they don’t take shit from anyone. I encourage you to enjoy a generous helping of our Cadillac greels. In the meantime, I’m learning to recognize my grinding triggers, and so far I’ve got waking up, making coffee, driving to work, sitting at my desk, reading the news, drinking coffee, working, driving home, playing Halo, watching television, updating my blog, preparing myself for sleep, saying my prayers and sleeping. I’ve also come up with some good alternatives – now every time I feel like grinding my teeth, I just chew on a ball of tin foil, smack myself in the head and scream, “SO STUPID,” over and over until the urge passes. Which, after a few hours, it usually does.

Facebook’s mobile network location-based deal check in thing.

Facebook unveiled their plans for a mobile network on Wednesday, and everyone was kinda like, “Oh.” Their biggest announcement was advanced “single sign-on” technology, which means you sign into your account once (like, right now), and then every website in the world links to your Facebook account and you never get signed out or your money back. This is important because… people hate logging into things I guess? Facebook seems pretty focused on improving the “typing your username and password” experience on mobile devices by replacing login screens with big friendly “Log Me In Via My Social Networking Avatar” buttons. Never again will you have to remember your banking information! Just “Facebook it up! (patent pending),” check your balance and then post a status update right from your checking account summary page.

Phyllis McGillicutty just transferred $1,287 from account baby daughter’s college fund to account COCAINE AND SHOESSSSSSSSSSS using TD Waterhouse MobileApp®.

Check in for 10% off grave blankets!

Similarly, when one of my Facebook friends is spewing hate propaganda about the current administration, I can one-click my way over to Amazon (WITHOUT EVER SIGNING IN OR OUT ARE YOU READING THIS) and view a personalized shopping cart filled with Glen Beck pamphlets, teabags and NOBAMA bumper stickers. Then I can just say, “The president is a MOSLIM,” and through the power of voice recognition technology, the items are purchased, shipped, and delivered to my door within two days. Facebook!

Times are hard, and people are cheap. Deal websites are hot right now, because I’m not going to pay full price for 15,000 CD jewel cases, ok? I just won’t. Has this ever happened to you? You’re at the Gap looking at a pair of slacks, and they’re $60, but you only have $48, and you live in a state that doesn’t tax clothing, and you just leave the store because, for real man, you can’t even afford pants? Once again, Facebook’s all up in your shit, saving you fat sacks of cash with their new “Loyalty Ala-Cart Push Location Aware Messaging Service for Deals” system. Here’s how it works:

1. Go to The Gap.
2. Check into The Gap via Facebook Mobile to tell all of your friends that you’re at The Gap.
3. Post a status update about your experience at The Gap so far.
4. “Like” your status from step 3.
5. Receive a digital coupon for 20% off your purchase!
6. Post pictures of yourself in the changing room. You look great!
7. Take your items to the register.
8. Befriend the clerk behind the register.
9. Pay for your purchase, but don’t forget your coupon!
10. Achievement Unlocked – Purchased slacks.

These are just a few of the first steps into full Facebook life integration, and even more exciting developments are on the horizon, and no, this isn’t scary at all! What are the odds of someone stealing your phone and having access to every account that’s tied to your Facebook account that you can never sign out of? I’m pretty sure odds don’t even exist for something as implausible as that. But if you’re like me and you want some cold hard statistics, here you go – one in a hundred million nevers.

@WillieShats – fell down well, save my life lmao

Technology has the power to save lives. Remember William Shatner Presents: Rescue 911? The premise of the show was that normal, everyday folks would need rescuing (because they’re trapped under ice, their car stalled in the middle of a monster truck rally, or they’re flattened under an avalanche of dish detergent), and through the powers of telephony, a police officer (played by William Shatner) would Rescue 911 them. The most advanced piece of technology on the show was a rotary telephone – a live operator would actually speak to the person in need of rescue and be like, “Do you know where you are? Can you give me the coordinates of the bear that stole your baby? I NEED YOU TO STAY CALM MA’AM.”

Rescue 911 probably still exists in one form or another for normal people. But people that actually matter, namely celebrities and celebratants, don’t know how to dial numbers on their phone when they’re in trouble. Thankfully, Foursquare and Twitter, two of the most powerful Webintosh 2.0 HTML5++ technologies known to man, are like Rescue 911 (and its spin-off, Rescue 227) for the Hollywood elite.

Saving you with my poignant status updates.

The bass player from 30 Seconds to Mars scalded himself on a latte. That part of your hand between your thumb and pointer finger. NO! HIS GOLDEN HAND MUST BE SAVED. In the late 80’s, he’d have to find a pay phone, dial R-E-S-C-U-E-9-1-1 with his good hand and wait days for an ambulance to take him to the hospital. But this is 2010 – he checks into Starbucks via Foursquare then posts “@JaredLeto ouch just brunt myslf at strbcks gonna sue these fucks lmao” on Twitter. Thirty seconds to Mars later, Jared Leto blasts through the front of the Starbucks on a golden motorcycle which grows wings and whisks the bass player to safety. The music industry is saved thanks to Twitter, Foursquare and, to a lesser extent, Jared Leto’s golden motorcycle that grows wings for some reason.

Don’t you see? Social media saved his goddamn life! You thought Foursquare merely provided a way to virtually watch Paul Reubens eat a sandwich, but it’s so much more. Take this extremely real set of circumstances, for example – sketch comic extraordinaire Chris Kattan is eating lunch with a celebrity gal-pal at Spago. I can’t say who the gal pal is, but I’ll give you a hint – Cheri Oteri, probably. Anyway, they’re enjoying their appetizer (Dungeness Crab Raviolini – kind of a small portion for two, but they were saving room for their entree) when A HOSTAGE SITUATION BREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Thanks to Twitter, we can recreate the events of that horrifying afternoon –

chriskattan: Having lunch with a very special friend @ Spago. Talking about the good ol’ days! You canna toucha the Mango lolololololololo
chriskattan: Ummmmmmmmmm… a bus boy is getting really loud with Josh Hartnett a few tables over. Everyones staring awkwaaaaaaaaaard
chriskattan: OMG he just punched Josh Hartnett in the face! Check please LMAO. I’ll be taking my lunch TO GO, Wolfgang! ;)
chriskattan: Wait, now a bunch of other bus boys have barricaded the doors and they’re making demands. Only in Beverly Hills!
chriskattan: WHOA they just shot the hostess! All of my KattanFans – please BBM the police. Check my foursquare for the address (also, add me!)
chriskattan: @WillFerrell it’s been a while, but you’re not gonna believe the day I’m having. Night @ Roxbury 2 might not be happening. FML
chriskattan: POLICE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chriskattan: Situation defused. Very special thanks to the Beverly Hills police and all of my KattanFans!! Gonna go home and watch “the mask” Somebody st
chriskattan: op me!

Someday, real people like you and me will have heavily followed Twitters, Foursquares, and ApplePings. Then, our adoring fans will pamper us and call the police when we’re in trouble and give to our important charities. Maybe someday I will personally save your life if you star in one of my favorite movies or write my favorite song!