February 22nd, 2010:

It’s the thuggish ruggish clone.

Avatar tells the story of beautiful blue people who shove their braids into dragons, fight battle mechs and fly majestically into your heart. For seven hours. Through the use of fancy 3-D technology, James Cameron and his squad of A/V nerds in white lab coats are changing the public’s perception of 3-D movies, and the public wants MORE MORE MORE. But instead of taking chances on new 3-D franchises (admittedly, the technology needed to create the perfect font for Avatar’s script took about 8 years), Hollywood is just going to re-release all of our favorite movies of yesteryear with enhanced 3-D jackoffery and useless effects that add nothing but a chance to say “Whooooaaaaaa!” as the Ghostbusters play trombones that pop off the screen and right into your face. I know I’ll be ducking in my seat with my hands over my head as glorious digitized wine sprays the audience during Sideways 3-D. This is a new and exciting frontier for film-making, and I can’t wait to–

“Well, we’ve been looking for years and years and years at trying to put Star Wars in 3D, but the technology hasn’t been there and we’ve been struggling. I think this will be a new impetus to see if we can’t make that happen.”
George Lucas

Oh for fuck’s sake, who invited him? I mean, “Didn’t we just leave this party?” asks Han Solo. Yes we did, fictional space-drug trafficker. The last time George got a boner for advanced technology, he re-mastered the original Star Wars trilogy and added a bunch of goofy shit that nobody wanted to see. Thousands of CGI aliens, jazzy dance numbers and other questionable additions made the world proclaim the now ubiquitous phrase, “George Lucas raped our childhood.” However, is it rape if you invite the rapist over to your house and then pay him $10 to rape you? Three times? The law says, “Probably not,” and then a bunch of words that I don’t understand.

Nevertheless, do you think George Lucas is just going to click the “OK MAKE THIS 3-D NOW” checkbox next to the original trilogy’s data files, save the changes and then forward them to your favorite movie dispensary? No! He’s storyboarding thousands of changes that still need to be made, because technology is finally catching up with whatever whacked out ideas he claims to have imagined 30 years ago. Here are some new plot developments that we can look forward to when Star Wars 3-D blasts itself into your theater like Captain fucking EO.

RETCONS RETCONS RETCONS. Retcon is short for “changing shit and claiming it was always meant to be that way for the sake of convenience.” Sometimes this works! The retelling of Evil Dead 1 during the first 15 minutes of Evil Dead 2 is a good example. The prequels are a bad example. Now it’s just a coincidence that everyone in every galaxy knows each other. I mean, Darth Vader was always going to build C-3PO! Yoda fought alongside Chewbacca, ok? It could totally happen. With three old movies to futz with and nothing but time on his hands, George is gonna retcon the living fuck out of everything. For instance, did you know that Mace Windu was Lando Calrissian’s father? This will add so many new levels of… something to the story. It will finally answer the question – What the hell was Mace Windu good for? Answer – fathering Lando Calrissian. Plus, Samuel L. Jackson will re-record all of Billy D. Williams’ dialogue to further drive this point home. THEY’RE RELATED NOW, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?

Han: Lando’s not a system, he’s a man! Lando Calrissian, son of great Jedi master Mace Windu, who was killed by Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader during the Clone Wars. I saw all of this on a security hologram.
Leia: My adopted father briefly stood next to Mace Windu during the Clone Wars! What a coincidence that these two seemingly unrelated characters are related. Now I’m getting a vision of my real father… killing younglings… also on a security hologram.

There are still too many questions left unanswered! Quickly, retcon them out of existence! How do 20 Ewoks take down a squad of countless stormtroopers in Return of the Jedi? Easy. They were clones. That had the force. In 3-D. Our 21st century minds are ready for extreme Ewoks that can rip trees out of the ground and fling them halfway across the planet or sever a stormtrooper’s spinal cord by “jub-jub”ing in his general direction. Believe me, there won’t be a dry eye in the house when that one Ewok youngling dies and his midichlorians form the shape of a heart and float up to heaven in 3-D.

Did you know there are entire websites dedicated to the symmetry of Darth Vader’s fucking helmet? George has heard your complaints and will now digitally alter Vader’s helmet in the original trilogy. It will now be so symmetrical and perfect that you’ll question how you ever watched the films featuring the lopsided asshole helmet that was probably held together with dog shit. Maybe it will even take your mind off the fact that this guy is now underneath all that black plastic.  Wait till you see the new footage of Luke removing Vader’s helmet in Return of the Jedi… I won’t spoil it for you, but it’ll be in 3-D and you’ll watch it a million times and HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT BECAUSE IT COMES FROM THE MIND OF A CONNIVING RAPIST.