food and drink

$tayin’ Cool and Havin’ Fun at the Beach for Le$$

The Summer Solstice is nigh, and when things get hot, there’s nothing better than stayin’ cool at the world famous Jersey Shore. The funnel cakes! The fistfights! Kicking over some nerd’s sandcastle and stealing his main squeeze! Horses diving off the Steel Pier in the early 1900’s, before it was illegal to charge 3 cents to watch a horse die! Yes, the Jersey Shore is all of these things. But don’t let the stereotypes dissuade you. You don’t need to be a bikini babe or a muscle freak to enjoy the beach. You can be a regular ass, run-of-the-mill piece of human garbage that nobody cares about and still have the time of your life. Here’s the problem though – beaches cost money. And let’s assume that all of your cash is tied up in something you’d rather not talk about, and leaving a paper trail is out of the question. Here are some tips for $tayin’ Cool and Havin’ Fun at the Beach for Le$$.

First thing’s first, you need a beach pass. These are advanced pieces of paper that unlock the beach. Now the average working stiff walks up to the hunk manning the border patrol on the boardwalk, pays his six bucks, then plunks his ass on the beach for the rest of the day like a rube. You’re probably saying to yourself, there has to be a better way. A way in which I don’t have to pay anything, because all I have in my wallet is a cool flat rock I found once and a Kohl’s gift card with an indeterminate amount of Kohl’s bucks left on it. Luckily for you, there is a better way. First, create a diversion by starting a small, controlled trash fire on the boardwalk in front of the beach entrance. Now here’s where it gets interesting: throw yourself into the fire, just enough to set your clothes and hair and skin ablaze, and then run straight for the ocean. Who’s going to stop you? John Q. Nobody, that’s who. Then kick back, relax, and soothe your burns in the bathlike waters of the Atlantic. But keep an eye on that trash fire, you’re going to need it later.


It’s time to eat! The Jersey Shore is full of exotic local cuisine, from ferocious sea creatures to ferocious fried delights, heavily dusted in powdered sugar and served in a paper bag turned transparent by grease. Here’s the kicker though, they charge money for food at the beach. The nightmarish, crushing fists of capitalism will bludgeon each and every one of us. Since we’re trying to spend as little money as possible on this trip because maybe we lost everything through a series of poor, wildly illegal investments, it’s time to save a few greenbacks. Look no further than the stately seagull. Study its habits. When an errant french fry falls to the ground, gull swoops down, he eats for free. That’s your chance to snatch up the gull, give it a firm thrashing and then cook it over your trash fire from before. Now YOU’RE sort of eating french fries like a regular boardwalk dandy.

Frank Sinatra probably once said, “Summertime baby, ooh what a thrill. Down at the boardwalk I got my kicks, with some cuckoo broad named Jill.” You’ve made a lot of friends at the Jersey Shore today. Hunks, bikini babes, gull. But it’s time to leave, because if you’re anything like me, the sand is too hot on your delicate skin, and chances are the dragnet is closing in on you. Wave goodbye to the beach, but wave hello to the money you didn’t spend, even though you don’t have any for reasons that you can’t get into right now.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Caution this coffee is incredibly thought provoking

It only took a week, and Starbucks is already done with their Race Together campaign, where baristas were encouraged to start a conversation about race with their customers. By writing the phrase “Race Together” on your cup o’ joe, they would jumpstart a not at all awkward or complicated dialogue at 8 in the morning over the loud whirring of frothing milk. I guess they were hoping it would lead to more interaction between humans of different color. Imagine the thrill of this experience: “Honey, I talked to a black person today, and you wouldn’t believe what I learned. Have you heard of slavery? Pardon my French but it was Effed. Up.”

Public reaction to the campaign was mixed. From “why are you doing this” to “no, please don’t do this.”  And while Starbucks claims “no seriously, this was supposed to last a week, we totally planned on giving up on this idea very, very quickly,” I remain skeptical. You can’t talk about race issues in America with an overworked and underpaid person, presumably of a different race, as they wait on your impatient, white, fancy-drink craving ass. Unless of course the conversation is limited to, “Hey is it hard to be black in America?” And they reply “Yes,” and hand you your coffee.

I've got a tall flat white and questions about race for Jhlom? Is Jhlom here?

I’ve got a tall flat white and questions about race for Jhlom? Is Jhlom here?

But hey, you gave it your best shot Starbucks. This is a conversation that we all need to have, just in a less cutesy, “isn’t this fun, instead of writing your name wrong on your cup let’s have a rap session about apartheid” kind of way. But this wasn’t the worst campaign. Here are some other Starbucks conversation starters that the public wasn’t ready for:

Campaign #1 – Holocaust: Fact or Fiction? – Whoa whoa whoa hey man we’re Starbucks, we’re just asking questions here. We want our employees and customers to express themselves. What, you think anti-semites don’t treat themselves to Caramel Flan Frappuccino Blended drinks when they aren’t spreading hate propaganda? Now who’s the bigot? OK, you’re right, it’s still the anti-semites. We’re very sorry for this campaign, we don’t know what we were thinking. Please have a free pastry on us.

Campaign #2 – This is a two part question: a) Do you think if you kill someone in heaven that you’re automatically sent to hell and b) what if the person that you killed was actually an undercover minion of Satan? Admittedly it’s hard to fit all of that on a cup, so it was shortened to SECRET MINION? underlined twice. This raises many theological and moral questions. If pushed to the limit, would you kill someone in cold blood in heaven? And that’s without even getting into the logistics of how you would pull it off. But if I had to guess – razor blade angel wings.

See? These terrible and completely real examples prove that you should never ask customers anything in the morning before they’ve had their coffee. In the best case scenario they’ll throw their drink in your face, worse case they may actually answer you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Are you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?

The security guard at my job insists that I a) drink Coronas every day after work and b) have a vast knowledge of DVD pirating software. Let’s start with the first one. I think maybe he saw me at a Christmas party two years ago drinking a Corona and just assumed that was my thing. There’s that guy that stands in the corner, flinching when coworkers approach him, just suckin down Coronas till the Mexican word for cows come home. I should probably ask him about it every time I see him. It never fails:

“Hey how’s it going man, you gonna go home and drink a Corona tonight?” I think the first time he asked me I started doing finger guns like, psh, hell yeah I’m gonna drink a Corona tonight, what do I look like over here? The second time I said something douchey like, “Haha, at the least!” Like, not only am I going to go home and drink a Corona, I might smoke some drugs. I might kill a man. I’m a ticking fucking time bomb ese, you have no idea. The third time the strange man with a gun asked me if I was going to go home and drink a Corona, I began to question our relationship. What are you, counting my drinks? I don’t have to answer to YOU. With your badge and your suit. Do you know how many LIMES I would go through if I had a Corona every day? Plus, haven’t you heard of the Mexican lime cartels? DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE LIMES ARE RIGHT NOW? I’m not a Templario, ok guy?

Now I’m caught in an infinite conversation loop with a person who doesn’t understand how conversations work, as he attempts to talk to someone that doesn’t want to have a conversation. I don’t have the heart to say, “Dude, this has to stop. I drink all sorts of things ok? I like coffee. I drink water. I drank an indecipherable liquid from a Portuguese soccer trophy once and slipped into a cute little coma for a few hours.” I don’t say these things. Instead I do the ol’, “Heh heh yeah man ok see you later” and then power walk out the door.

lewisThe weird thing is, I’m not quite sure what this security guard is guarding. He’s only in the building from 3:30 to 5:00, and there’s nothing there worth stealing. I’m forced to assume that this guy is some kind of Corona spokesperson.

One day he threw me a curveball. I braced myself for the strange line of beer questioning but instead was asked if I could get him a copy of some ancient DVD ripping software. “You know what this is right?” he asked. “I want to make a copy of a DVD so I can watch it on my TV whenever I want.” He was very insistent that I got him some version from the mid 2000’s. I reluctantly nodded and said that I would see what I could do. 7,000 malware and phishing warnings later, I learned that his request was impossible. This thing was banished from the internet, and I would need to download it from some deep web forum that probably sold children’s organs and cocaine by mail.

So I did what any normal person would do – I avoided him for about a month. Eventually he stopped me in the hall, and god help me, I really felt like I let him down. “Sorry man, I don’t think I can get it for you.” His head sunk, his shoulders slumped, all this guy wanted to do was pirate movies, and I failed him. “It’s ok,” he said, “You probably drank too many Coronas, that’s why you couldn’t find it.”

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Take Exit 143 towards Flavor Town

The New Jersey Turnpike Authority is HOPPING MAD about service mark infringements! A pizza chain in Florida co-opted the Garden State Parkway logo, slapped their name on it, and are getting sued to Hell and back for their crimes. Is nothing sacred, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza? Before the days of GPS, there was nothing more reassuring than a green Parkway or Turnpike sign. Even if was just a sign that said PARKWAY, 20 miles in the other direction, at least you knew you were on the right track. And here comes Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, waltzing in here, stealing our signs, making a mockery of our roadways.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Who cares? It’s just a sign.” You’re probably sitting there, arms crossed, like, “I love pizza, I love signs, I hate freedom, what’s the scoop here John?” Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that this is not actually about infringement, it’s about highway safety.



Let’s set the scene. You’re lost. You were just trying to get some sweet corn from a roadside stand in central Jersey, but you accidentally drove 1500 miles south across 5 states. Once you reach the Florida Keys, the realization that you have absolutely no idea where the fuck you are begins to set in. “WE’RE NOT LOST” you scream at your children in the backseat, who have not looked up from their devices since this trip started 24 hours ago. Just as you’re about to drive your family into the Atlantic, submerging them and their memories of your subpar navigation skills, you see the sign. The old familiar green and yellow Garden State Parkway sign. “You see? YOU SEE!? I TOLD YOU WE’RE NOT LOST!” you scream at your blissfully unaware and above-water children. You follow the arrows… but instead of a toll booth, you crash your minivan straight into the dining room of Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, the Florida pizza establishment. “Hey is this a highway or a restaurant?” you ask the owner, who is now pinned to the wall underneath an 8×10 photo of The Sopranos signed by the guy that played AJ. He’s coughing up blood all over your fender, you’re just trying to figure out if they take EZ Pass or not.

This is the scenario that the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is trying to avoid. And who can blame them? Do you think GPS satellites can penetrate the thick fog of malaise and Disney mind control chemicals that blanket Florida? Hell no, directions down there are delivered the old fashioned way, straight from chewing tobaccee-filled mouths and punctuated with racial slurs. You need all the help you can get navigating through Florida, and these signs are confusing, dangerous, and they must be stopped.

So just change your name, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, it’s real simple. Something subtle that would still look good on a sign. Something like Dangerous Roadwork Ahead Pizza. Drive Like Your Kids Live Here Italian Eatery. Vincenzo’s Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft Pasta Dump. Just whatever you do, please leave the parkway out of it.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Soylent, from the makers of Hell Gravy, the poisonous gravy from Hell

Soylent is the hot new food substitute that’s intended to supply all the nutrients the human body needs without the time, money, or effort associated with real food. For about $4 a serving, this “just add water” replacement could revolutionize the way we think about food, and it’s being targeted at people who are too busy to eat. It also looks like the cloudy water that accumulates in the last bowl in the sink when you’re doing the dishes.



But how does it taste? Reviews are all over the place, from “This is real bad” to “Why are you doing this to me?” But forget all that. I don’t know about you, but I am sick of thinking about what to eat every day. I’m a very powerful, fancy man, and sitting down to eat with my family is so BORING JESUS CHRIST WHO CARES. With Soylent, I just need enough brain power to mix water with powder. Hey honey, what’s for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of our lives? Oh that’s right, flesh colored sludge. “Oh man remember how we used to eat food?” we’d laugh as our teeth fall out of our mouths from under usage. Perfect, now we don’t have to waste time brushing our teeth, that’s another 4 minutes of “me time” that big dental can’t have.

Let’s just get this out of the way because I know you’re all thinking it. “Soylent Green is made out of people.” Probably the most famous Charlton Heston quote that doesn’t involve damn dirty apes or the business end of an assault rifle in your face. I can assure you that this new food alternative, and let’s just call it Soylent Beige for argument’s sake, is NOT made out of people. Disregard the distinct, flesh-like hue of the drink and focus more on the ingredients. Maltodextrin, Rice Protein, Oat Flour, and 100% of your recommended daily allowance of TOTALLY NOT GROUND UP HUMAN BODIES. They even underlined it.

That being said, maybe it’s best to name your food substitute, say… literally anything else. It’s like naming a new space-age baby formula Bleach and then being like, well duh, of course not THAT bleach, this is New Bleach. For babies to drink. Yeah, our logo is a skull and crossbones, it’s awesome.

I have some experience with liquid diets. A few years ago, my wife suggested we try a juice fast. The idea of flushing toxins from my body while drinking nothing but juice for 5 days sounded great. My body’s a cesspool of toxins, I love Hawaiian Punch, let’s do this. And then a box of kale water and broccoli nectar arrived on our doorstep, juices that were somehow more boring than regular water. The first day was fine. Halfway through the second day we were both rolling around on the floor, too weak to stand or punctuate our cursing with hand gestures. At my lowest point I tried eating one of the bottles just to feel something real. That night, embarrassed by defeat, we ate at the local Toxin Burger and smashed every glass of water they brought to the table.

Is Soylent Beige for me? Based on that last example, clearly not. But if you live in a part of the world where food isn’t guaranteed every day, it might be a good alternative to dying from malnutrition. Or at the very least, a good alternative to wallpaper paste.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at or constantly on our YouTube channel.