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An excerpt from Telekinesis for Beginners

Nov 5th, 2014
by John.
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I’ve been working on a secret project for a while now, and I’m finally ready to share it with the world. Below is an excerpt from my new book, I hope you love it.

Telekinesis for Beginners: An Introductory Guide to the Ancient Art of Picking Stuff Up with your Brain.

Introduction

How many times has this happened to you? A prowler is snooping about in your begonias. You can see him out there because it’s broad daylight and he’s wearing a comically conspicuous black and white striped prowler outfit. You’re excited because now would be the perfect time to test out that new pistol you got for Christmas a few years ago. That was the best work-mandated Secret Santa party ever because you got a brand new glock and all you brought was a $20 gift certificate to the video store that burned down 10 years ago. But UGH it’s all the way over there in the closet in a safe and the bullets are hidden in the hollowed out bible you keep on your hope chest and that prowler is looking real mad and real ethnic. This looks like a job for telekinesis. With just the power of your brain waves you can unlock the safe, flip open the bible, load the gun and end the prowler’s life before he can say “Trick-or-Treat for Unicef.”

This book will teach you the basics of telekinesis through brain exercises, timed exams, poems and prayer. But hold on there, Carrie. This isn’t prom night, John Travolta didn’t dump a bucket of pig’s blood on you just yet, you have to learn the basics first. It’s like that old famous telekinesisman saying, “You have to learn how to throw a grape in the air and catch it in your mouth before you can level a city block with your thoughts.” Oh also, that reminds me, you should only use your new-found powers for good, so please only level city blocks riddled with crime. Let’s get started!

Chapter 1 – Just Picking Stuff Up With Your Hands

Fig. 1 - Fingerkinesis training exercise: Lift a small box while wearing small shorts.

Fig. 1 – Fingerkinesis training exercise: Lift a small box while wearing small shorts.

What if I told you that by physically picking up this book you’re already on your way to becoming a master brain mover? You’re performing fingerkinesis, the ancient art of picking stuff up with your hands. That’s probably a thing, right? I mean, it’s right here in this book you’re reading. Practice fingerkinesis every day for at least 6 hours. Pick things up around your house, or at a friend’s house, and put them back down, or put your friends down. You’re doing it. You’re really doing it.

QUIZ ZONE:

Question 1 – Fingerkinesis is the ancient art of picking stuff up with your –

a) brain

b) hands

c) complicated pulley system

If you answered b, you’re correct, and you’re ready to unlock your full telekinetic potential. Imagine the thrill of walking through the grocery store, tossing cans into your cart without exerting yourself, or standing at the bus stop, tossing cans at a bus without exerting yourself.

(And then I just kind of trail off on the whole tossing cans with your brain thing for like 30 more pages, not really sure what happened there. I hope you’ll check out Telekinesis for Beginners wherever fine books are sold, like on your computer or at a dead nerd’s estate sale.)

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips

Aug 27th, 2014
by John.
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eHarmony has a list of ten tips for initiating, planning, and surviving a first date. It’s a bad list, full of “no doi” pointers. “Be confident.” “Dress to impress.” “Breathe occasionally.” “Apply pressure to fresh wounds.” I’ve been on a few first dates, and I’ve compiled the following list of better than eHarmony tips. In fact, that’s what it’s called: SuperTMH2.com’s Better Than eHarmony.com’s First Date Tips.

The water conundrum. Pop quiz hotshot – the waiter asked if you want bottled or tap water. If you spring for the bottled water, it shows that money is no object on this, your enchanted first date. If you go with tap water it shows that you’re an eco-conscious everyman with a sense of adventure. Here’s an advanced technique: stare the waiter dead in the eyes and say, “Half tap. Half bottled.” The music stops, silverware crashes, old Victorian-era women are fanning themselves and gasping and passing out all around you. This date is off to a great start, and by the way, you look lovely this evening.

"... look, I'm sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit."

“… look, I’m sorry if you were offended when I said your Etsy store sounds like a bunch of pandering horseshit.”

Ordering for your date. Ordering for your date is an antiquated practice, so you should avoid doing it. It gives the impression that she is maybe too stupid to read, or understand how side dishes work. The only time it’s customary to order for your date is if you’re at a drive up window. “Yes, I’ll have a number 3, and the little lady will have something of equal or lesser value because it’s Tuesday before 6 pm and I have a coupon. Also hurry the fuck up, it’s our first date over here.” She’ll be impressed because you’re a man that can handle finances, and your collection of ketchup packets and ants in the glove compartment really speaks for itself.

Phrases to Avoid. Words are hard sometimes. Review the following list of phrases to avoid.

  • Your job sounds boring as shit, I bet I could do it like a million times better though.

  • What’s your favorite Aryan subreddit?

  • Would it be ok if I got a booster seat for my taxidermied owl?

  • I keep my pistol in a hollowed out bible, and my bullets in the hollowed out skulls of my online haters.

The Leftovers. Avoid asking to take your date’s leftovers home with you. Muttering, “because I fucking paid for this bullshit” under your breath is not going to help your case. However, if you insist on taking the leftovers home, ask your waiter to box it up for you, avoid pulling a ziplock bag out of your pants pocket. God forbid you accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings. This should really have its own section, but if you do accidentally pull out your baggie full of toenail clippings, just say you’re holding it for a friend.

Ending on a high note. Congratulations, the date is now over. Much like the survivors of a horrible plane crash, it is customary to hug your date once complete. Really get in there, see what you’re working with. Three gentle kisses on the forehead followed by a handwritten letter thanking her for her time, and you’re now free to go home to your darkened hovel and text her every couple of minutes to make sure she’s ok. If you followed all of my advice, you’re probably well on your way to marriage. Please do not invite me, my dress shoes are very tight and make it difficult for me to dance. Thank you.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

Let’s Slip into Something More Virtual

May 21st, 2014
by John.
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Hold onto your hats, virtual reality is going to be a thing. Actually, you’ll have to take your hat off because it interferes with the helmet and could potentially scramble your brains. Let’s start over. Virtual reality is going to be a thing, especially if you’re not wearing a hat. Perfect. Between the Oculus Rift and Sony’s Project Morpheus, soon your dream of donning a pair of jorts and running through the jungle like Crash Bandicoot can become a reality – A VIRTUAL REALITY IF YOU WILL.

How does virtual reality work, you may be asking? Well, it’s very simple. You put the thing on your head and there’s like screens and mirrors or some shit in there, and when you look down at your hands in the virtual world, they could be anything. They could be crab claws. They could be stupid normal human hands, but maybe they’re adorned with bejeweled armored gloves. They could be bejeweled crab claws. Look, what I’m trying to say is that the possibilities are endless, ok? And that, in a nutshell, is how virtual reality works.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

The reality may be virtual, but the mom jeans are as real as the day is long.

Both Oculus and Sony are trying to shift the focus away from gaming and instead are promising all new virtual experiences. Imagine the thrill of traveling alongside Neil deGrasse Tyson as you explore the galaxy together, and having him punch you in the face for asking rudimentary questions. “Dr. Tyson, what’s air?” WHAM just PUNCHING PUNCHING buffering… buffering… PUNCHING PUNCHING.

And that’s just one experience. What if we could fuse this virtual reality technology with the fast paced world of online dating? Now instead of an old fashion message from a creep with the subject line I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR CLAVICLE, you can meet this person in a virtual coffee shop and have your avatar’s collarbone leered at from the comfort of your own home. “Mmm yeah, I could really hang my dry cleaning on that shit, so bony and pronounced.” And afterwards, no more awkward walks to your car in the darkened Starbucks parking lot, you can just disconnect from BONE_DESTROYER_420 and live another day with your skeleton safely in tact.

But not all virtual reality experiences are good. I think we should all take a minute and think about what happened in the movie Lawnmower Man. From what I remember from the commercials, a dimwitted fellow, the aforementioned Lawnmower Man, uses virtual reality for some reason and becomes an evil genius. I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be a bad thing. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I’m going to assume he could only be stopped with virtual lasers. Is this what Oculus and Sony want? Average joes fighting groundskeepers with lasers in a virtual world? I don’t have time for this.

Sony and Oculus laugh at your obsolete analog reality, with its gears and steam whistles and religion and newsies on street corners proclaiming “Extree extree! Read all about it! Humans still don’t have crab claws, why do they bother existing?” I don’t know, fictional newsie, but I do know this: Analog reality is hot garbage.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

Apr 23rd, 2014
by John.
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Another week, another special Awesome Talk final word. I tested this one out on about seven different focus groups and they all agreed: “Those sure are words.” Were they right? READ ON.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

The other day, due to circumstances I’d rather not disclose, I found myself with a large collection of teeth that I needed to dispose of. A few thousand frantic public library Google searches later, with phrases such as “teeth melt” “teeth melt no evidence” “teeth melt no evidence as few steps as possible”, I came across the old urban legend that said a tooth could dissolve in a can of soda. And that’s one of those things where you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting” or you’re like me and you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting, but what about like, an obscene amount of teeth. Like, more than an average person should have in a foot locker.” The library was closing, and there was no time for further research. It was, as Redman once said, time 4 sumaksion.

“Good morning John!” My neighbor waved at me from the next yard over as he watered his lawn. “What’s uh… going on over there?” I think he was talking about the bottles of soda I was pouring into a kiddie pool next to a foot locker labeled DEFINITELY NOT TEETH. “Hey good morning Bill. Oh you know, house stuff.” I stared at him, dead eyed, as I poured the last bottle into the pool. “Well, I’ll uh, let you get to it then,” Bill said as he dropped his hose and slowly walked backwards into his house. I grunted in his direction and stirred my concoction with a badminton racket. Long story short, I learned that teeth do not dissolve in soda. Not even cute little baby teeth. I also learned that it’s not easy to drag a kiddie pool full of soda and teeth onto your neighbor’s lawn when it’s swarming with bees. They don’t tell you these things on Snopes. Sometimes you need to visit thisissomerealshit.com/fucking_deal_with_it.html.

This happened once probably maybe who gives a shit

This happened once probably maybe not who gives a shit shut up

Heartbroken, it was time for more urband legend research. Maybe my favorite one is that Disney World visitors are not allowed to die on the premises. Say you were having a massive heart attack after a raucous twirl on the teacups, park workers would supposedly drag you into the parking lot to die, far away from the magic and whimsy. God that’s the best. What if you were decapitated on Space Mountain?  Would they keep your head frozen in a jar like Walt Disney and throw it on a bus headed for Universal Studios? What if you saw a dude dressed up like Donald Duck and he was teaching little kids how to smoke meth and your soul died? Disney World representatives did not have answers to these questions, but I think “Sir you need to stop calling here, this is Dorney Park” is actually code for “We’re illuminati lizard men, and we can do whatever we want.”

So all I’m saying is, don’t trust the internet to debunk urban legends. You have to get out there in the field, get your hands dirty – flash your highbeams at passing cars in the night if their lights are off! I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? How are you gonna know whether or not it’s a gang initiation thing unless you witness them pull a u-turn, run your car off the road and then stab you to death?  “I was right. I was so right,” you’ll gurgle as the newly initiated gang member is presented with his monogrammed jacket and plaque. The gang will all cheer and lift him up on their shoulders, but really, it’s you they should be celebrating. You, the stabbed to death, urban legend… what’s the opposite of debunking? Bunking, I guess. The stabbed to death, urban legend bunking hero.  Godspeed.

My Video Will (transcript)

Apr 9th, 2014
by John.
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Last night on Awesome Talk I skyped in the following bit of business, heavily inspired by my love of The Heart, She Holler. I even got dressed up, like a real song and dance man. I did not dance, but I’m told there will be a song added in post. Below, please find…

My Video Will (transcript)

Family, friends, I’d like to welcome you to my video will. If you’re watching (reading) this, I am dead. OK so for the time being ignore that part. If you’re watching (reading) this any time other than right now, I am dead, and I can only assume that I died doing what I loved – rescuing blind children from a burning orphanage. How is it possible that I’m always the first on the scene when the blind kid orphanage goes up in flames? Look, some questions are better left unanswered. Clearly you’re having a hard time dealing with my death, and you’re thinking all kinds of crazy mixed up thoughts. That’s the first stage of grieving – accusing the deceased of arson.

Now that I’m dead, you’re probably wondering what you should do with my corpse. It’s very simple: I am to be cremated, and my ashes are to be placed inside the salt and pepper shakers of a dining car headed towards St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin, the snow globe capital of the world. Once they arrive, my ashes are to be placed inside three snow globes. One depicting my ash’s train ride to St. Croix Falls, one depicting my loved ones placing my ashes into three separate snow globes, and one wildcard. The wildcard can be any snowglobe of your choosing, as long as it has some kind of sentimental attachment to me. Maybe depicting that scene in Scream where Rose McGowan is killed by a garage door. Although there wasn’t any snow in that scene… ok scratch that. The wildcard snow globe now has to depict the Battle of Hoth. Also, this probably goes without saying, but never shake the snowglobes.

awesometalksuitNow for the earthly possessions segment of my video will. I was a man of simple tastes. I loved nothing more than spending time with my family and friends, having a few drinks and heh heh, having a few laughs. That being said – All of my hard drives are to be destroyed. Drill a thousand holes into them, take them to a firing range and blast them to bits, then submerge the bits in some kind of super acid. As for my online presence, my password for every account is the same, and it is tattooed underneath my left eyelid. Granted, you’re going to have to get a little Aeon Flux on my face to retrieve my master password, but that’s what I would have wanted.

To my wife, I leave my collection of plaid shirts. Remember how we always talked about lining the walls of the house in plaid? How a dead man’s shirts would really spruce up the rumpus room? Well now you can do that honey. I love you so much.

To my friends in Awesome Talk, I leave you all of my unfinished special final words. There’s some real gems in there, like I have this one sentence about a Terminator going to a job fair and scanning the room for complimentary pens. It’s really great, and now it’s yours.

To everyone else in my life, I dunno, baseball cards or something, who cares. So, summing up: I am dead, 3 separate snowglobes, master password under my eyelid. Thank you.

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