If I’ve learned one thing from the show Mad Men, it’s that I have about three season’s worth of tolerance for the show Mad Men. But let’s assume for the sake of argument that I’ve learned two things from the Mad Men. The second thing I learned is that I have what it takes to be a self destructive bourbon sipping Madison Avenue ad man. Remember when we were growing up, the garbage they used to sell us in between episodes of Duck Tales? It was all the same – pre-packaged after school snacks, featuring helmeted kids on skateboards grinding on rails made of frosting, flipkicking over senior citizens who are screaming that we need to “turn down those darned snacks, somebody could get hurt!” Hey fuck you grandma, these toaster pastries are packed with vitamin eat shit and die. A couple guitar licks, now the grannies are rapping for some reason, and there you have it. Every commercial from our childhood.
There was also an obsession with food being “fun to eat.” This chicken nugget is fun because it’s shaped like a dinosaur. It is fun to eat. I am having fun with my friends after soccer practice because our food does not require utensils or refrigeration. This is fun.
You’re gonna like the way you look.
We’re more sophisticated now, and we deserve better ads. This is where I come in… with my unsolicited ad submissions.
Simplicity is key. Who can forget the “Do you have milk” campaign? “Well, do you?” Neve Campbell’s frothy mustache asked. Then we, collectively as a country replied, “Yes, we have milk,” and awaited further instructions. Here’s where my ad campaign would have taken the milk game to the next level if the brass over at Big Dairy returned my phone calls. I’d go fully Lynchian – It’s a peaceful summer day in a quiet midwestern suburb. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, a newspaper lands perfectly on a front stoop. A man in a robe bends down to pick up the paper, and suddenly the camera is traveling through his spinal cord. At the end, instead of a brain, there is a tall, frosty, screaming glass of milk. Then the scene slowly dissolves to the man drowning in a lake, with pulsating udders superimposed over his thrashing body. The screen goes black, the word MILK? flashes on screen for half a millisecond, then you’re back to watching Modern Family.
Curiously, my next submission was also shot down. I wanted to create a recruiting ad for marine biologists. What if there was a shortage one day, how are we going to get people excited about aquatic discovery again? My idea was a 30 second underwater shot with a gravelly voice at the end saying, “We look at more fucking seahorses before 7 a.m. than most of you assholes do all day.† Apparently that’s not the type of message the aquatic science community wishes to share with the world, nor is there a need to recruit scientists through tv commercials. Two things I should have thought about before renting $800,000 worth of underwater cameras that were used to film Titanic.
Rejected, again and again. What would the Mad Men do? Oh, probably drink heavily, live a tortured existence, destroy the lives of everyone unfortunate enough to know them in real life, and look great in a suit. I’ve never been more qualified for anything in my life.
You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.
