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Here read this for a while (@vineyille)


Full Google Circles Walkthrough (with audio)

Welcome to Google Circles, the exciting new social networking platform from your friends at Google. If you’ve used Google products in the past, you’re going to feel right at home with Circles! We’ll help you keep in touch with your friends, share your life experiences and have fun, all with a user interface that you’ve come to expect from Google. Let’s take a look at some the key features that set us apart from the other social networking platforms.

Zero Set Up. Thank you for sharing all of your information with Google over the years. We really appreciate it! Now we’re going to return the favor by building your Circles account for you with a single click. We’ve safely stored your name, date of birth, address, social security number, sexual orientation, credit card numbers, fears, hopes, dreams, blood type, communicable diseases, body mass index, fingerprint, perversions and the name of your pets. Once you click Sign Up your Circles account is automatically created with all of your current information.

Building Your Circle. Other social networks scan your contact lists for your friends, but that can yield a lot of false positive results. You’re not friends with AAA or your dentist’s receptionist, right? Google Circles goes one step further by scanning your previous Google searches for names and automatically adding them to your Circle. Remember that time you searched Google for Brianna Mansour? Surely you remember Brianna, you both lost your virginity to each other in high school. You searched for the phrase “brianna mansour dead in car wreck please” on April 16th, 2006. Well, you don’t need to search for Brianna anymore because she’s in your Circle, and she’s doing great! This is just one example of how we can help you build your Circle thanks to the extensive records we’ve been keeping. You’re welcome!

Staying in the Loop. We can also use your daily search history to craft perfect status updates. You don’t even have to do anything, just go about your daily life and Google Circles will handle the rest. Based on your Google searches over the weekend, we’ve created the following status update for you –

Today I’m taking the 6 Train to 33rd STREET LEXINGTON, and walking to 570 SECOND AVENUE – AMC LOEWS KIPS BAY to see “Gnomeo & Juliet 3-D” (1 ticket). Then I’m walking to the nearest Old Navy for size 44 x 28 pants. What do herpes smell like? Then I’m going to eat lunch at McDONALD’S MUST HAVE BALL PIT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Privacy. We take privacy very seriously.

Raise Your Voice! Are you one of the millions of satisfied Android or Google Voice users? Try syncing your phone to your Google Circles account and get ready to have some fun! Randomly throughout the day we’ll record your phone conversations and post them to your page, so you and your friends can listen to your personalized audio time capsule! We call these Voice Updates. Who were you talking to yesterday? Did you talk about Google Circles? Maybe you had a conversation with someone stationed overseas! I’ll bet you hope we randomly recorded that one. We’ve recorded one of your conversations and posted it to your Circles page as an example, take a listen:

Google Circles Voice Update

Come Full Circles. We’ve spent years working on Google Circles, building the platform from the ground up with the help of your personal data. We couldn’t have done it without you! Over the next few months we’ll be rolling out even more advanced features that will change the way you think about social networking, privacy and the legitimacy of some of our competitors. We think you’ll agree that Google Circles is three hundred and sixty degrees of fun.

Youtube Friday Timesink – 3.4.11: Unplug This Bastard

Charlie Sheen on 20/20 (Bi-Winning Remix) by Ludachrist. Just when I’m like, OK, I have to stop listening to what Charlie Sheen has to say, and realize that he’s an embodiment of Nietzsche’s Übermensch, Ludachrist comes along with a new remix and is like, nope. This is still great, and all I do is win win win. Ludachrist also has two great mixtapes available for free at worshipludachrist.com.

Rubber, the story of Robert, the killer tire that makes people’s heads explode, is apparently available On Demand, and has been since February 25th. How this snuck by me I have no idea, but I’ll be On Demanding this shit straight into my home, brain and life as soon as I finish typing this sentence because, I mean, c’mon bro… killer tire movie with music by Mr. Oizo. Also, if you come across a person that’s been killed by a murderous tire, you are forced by law to say that he or she looks tired.

I love the podcast Uhh Yeah Dude more than pretty much anything in the world. Here, Jonathan and Seth discuss Roy’s Street Coffee and Tea by Starbucks on Cap Hill. It stinks in there. And I now refer to all Starbucks as Throwbucks. YOU THIRSTY?

@WillieShats – fell down well, save my life lmao

Technology has the power to save lives. Remember William Shatner Presents: Rescue 911? The premise of the show was that normal, everyday folks would need rescuing (because they’re trapped under ice, their car stalled in the middle of a monster truck rally, or they’re flattened under an avalanche of dish detergent), and through the powers of telephony, a police officer (played by William Shatner) would Rescue 911 them. The most advanced piece of technology on the show was a rotary telephone – a live operator would actually speak to the person in need of rescue and be like, “Do you know where you are? Can you give me the coordinates of the bear that stole your baby? I NEED YOU TO STAY CALM MA’AM.”

Rescue 911 probably still exists in one form or another for normal people. But people that actually matter, namely celebrities and celebratants, don’t know how to dial numbers on their phone when they’re in trouble. Thankfully, Foursquare and Twitter, two of the most powerful Webintosh 2.0 HTML5++ technologies known to man, are like Rescue 911 (and its spin-off, Rescue 227) for the Hollywood elite.

Saving you with my poignant status updates.

The bass player from 30 Seconds to Mars scalded himself on a latte. That part of your hand between your thumb and pointer finger. NO! HIS GOLDEN HAND MUST BE SAVED. In the late 80’s, he’d have to find a pay phone, dial R-E-S-C-U-E-9-1-1 with his good hand and wait days for an ambulance to take him to the hospital. But this is 2010 – he checks into Starbucks via Foursquare then posts “@JaredLeto ouch just brunt myslf at strbcks gonna sue these fucks lmao” on Twitter. Thirty seconds to Mars later, Jared Leto blasts through the front of the Starbucks on a golden motorcycle which grows wings and whisks the bass player to safety. The music industry is saved thanks to Twitter, Foursquare and, to a lesser extent, Jared Leto’s golden motorcycle that grows wings for some reason.

Don’t you see? Social media saved his goddamn life! You thought Foursquare merely provided a way to virtually watch Paul Reubens eat a sandwich, but it’s so much more. Take this extremely real set of circumstances, for example – sketch comic extraordinaire Chris Kattan is eating lunch with a celebrity gal-pal at Spago. I can’t say who the gal pal is, but I’ll give you a hint – Cheri Oteri, probably. Anyway, they’re enjoying their appetizer (Dungeness Crab Raviolini – kind of a small portion for two, but they were saving room for their entree) when A HOSTAGE SITUATION BREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Thanks to Twitter, we can recreate the events of that horrifying afternoon –

chriskattan: Having lunch with a very special friend @ Spago. Talking about the good ol’ days! You canna toucha the Mango lolololololololo
chriskattan: Ummmmmmmmmm… a bus boy is getting really loud with Josh Hartnett a few tables over. Everyones staring awkwaaaaaaaaaard
chriskattan: OMG he just punched Josh Hartnett in the face! Check please LMAO. I’ll be taking my lunch TO GO, Wolfgang! ;)
chriskattan: Wait, now a bunch of other bus boys have barricaded the doors and they’re making demands. Only in Beverly Hills!
chriskattan: WHOA they just shot the hostess! All of my KattanFans – please BBM the police. Check my foursquare for the address (also, add me!)
chriskattan: @WillFerrell it’s been a while, but you’re not gonna believe the day I’m having. Night @ Roxbury 2 might not be happening. FML
chriskattan: POLICE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chriskattan: Situation defused. Very special thanks to the Beverly Hills police and all of my KattanFans!! Gonna go home and watch “the mask” Somebody st
chriskattan: op me!

Someday, real people like you and me will have heavily followed Twitters, Foursquares, and ApplePings. Then, our adoring fans will pamper us and call the police when we’re in trouble and give to our important charities. Maybe someday I will personally save your life if you star in one of my favorite movies or write my favorite song!

I can’t wait to follow @aplusk’s garbage disposal.

Remember that year when everything in the world took on the color of brightly colored iMacs?  You could buy a bright orange dustbuster, a translucent blue toaster, and a shockingly red George Foreman grill.  I’m pretty sure my N64 was purple (and this is totally unrelated, but when I think of N64 I think of the countless hours I spent playing Beetle Adventure Racing while listening to Eminem’s Slim Shady LP… both pinnacles in their respective fields).  I’m guessing this was done so that folks could color coordinate their home appliances with their desktop PC – my goofy computer is see-through yellow, and so is my vacuum!  I can see the collected dirt and dust AT ALL TIMES and I’m living in the future.  Also, I’ve named my two sons Ross and Chandler because it’s the 90’s and I have no regrets.

Fruitifying our appliances didn’t do much to their core functionality though.  I mean, you still chopped stuff in your food processor, it just looked like it was made of Lego bricks. But what if there was a way to add bleeding edge technology to something you use everyday, and not only change the way you use the appliance, but also increase its functionality by like a hundred billion percent?  Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Twettle.  The tea kettle with a Twitter account.

Two London designers decided to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme whilst waiting for a bartender to mix their drinks. The result? A kitchen appliance which could communicate through Twitter.  And what kitchen appliance would any self-respecting Englishman choose? An electric kettle, or the Twettle.

The Twettle works via WiFi, connecting directly to the internet and tweeting when it has boiled.
Wired

Hey does anyone have a free USB port? I need to install a new OS on the kettle. Guys? Hey guys?

You see, because boiling water is unpredictable, imprecise and depressingly analog.  Cave men did this shit pretty much the same way!  Just sitting around, waiting for their water to boil in a bird’s stomach or whatever while they picked wildebeest gristle from their teeth.  With Twettle technology, Ook could be doing something more productive like foraging or smashing a weaker neanderthal’s skull with a rock instead of staring at the magic sorcery that makes stuff boil.  Check your tweets Ook, your water is piping hot!

Even Wired realizes that it’s pretty easy to tell when the water in your tea kettle is boiling in your house since you’re usually in your house when you have a tea kettle on the stove in your house.  “But, in, say, an office, it might be helpful to know that the water is done so you can rush to the kitchenette with a sachet of powdered soup, or even to catch up on gossip as others make their tea.”  Or, the office cut-up could follow your Twettle account, get notified the instant the water is boiled and then rush to the kitchenette to pour the boiled water down the drain.  Meanwhile, you stand there with your stupid sachet of powdered soup and catch up on the office gossip, which is, “That guy is such a dick, and we need to detwettlefriend him immediately.”

In my humbled humbling opinion, the Twettle is kind of stupid.  Boiling water takes about 2 minutes, and you’re not really gaining anything by being notified the SECOND your water starts to boil.  Here’s a real world example – sometimes I become so absorbed in working or writing or contemplating life’s greatest mysteries that I won’t hear my tea kettle whistling (which is like the reel-to-reel version of boiling water notification as opposed to the laserdisc-like Twettle) in the kitchen.  But usually I break out of my trance-like state a minute or so later and I’m rewarded with boiling water that I forgot I even put on the stove.  Hooray!

Would my life be any better if my kettle sent me a DM and was all like, “@John_TMH – ur water is hot!  get on that it b4 it evaporates!  ur pal – twettlebot”  No.  I mean, maybe?  No, actually, I’m going to stick with no.  Here’s what I want instead of the Twettle: a Leffle.  It’s a waffle iron that sends me a letter in the mail when I want waffles.  Then when I get the letter, there’s a coupon for syrup alongside delicious recipes.  Get on it science.