technology

Have you guys ever heard this song it’s real good

SUPERTMH2 TANGERINE ALERT (re: SOPA)

I had a meeting with the supertmh2 crew this afternoon and we’ve decided to join Google, Wikipedia, Reddit and our sister site, The Hanson Superfan Funletter (angelfire.com/nj12/mmmbop69) with a SOPA blackout tomorrow.

What does this mean?
supertmh2.com will not be updated tomorrow. This is because of SOPA.

Will the site be back the following day?
In an attempt to really drive the point home that SOPA is an evil bill (and not just a bill like the poorly animated Schoolhouse Rock character that’s probably named Bill), don’t be surprised if we don’t update for a few more days after that.

What is SOPA?
It’s the Stop Online Piracy Act, and it gives the feds the ability to flick a switch and erase your finely crafted web presence if you link to pirated content like screener copies of Earth Girls Are Easy. Jim Carrey is 50 fucking years old.

Is the official supertmh2 twitter account (@john_tmh) also affected by the blackout?
YES, probably but follow me on twitter just to make sure.

I’m an e-journalist and I wear a fedora with an index card stapled to the side of it. The index card reads PRESS. I did some research and saw that you registered your previous domain thismayhurt.com through godaddy.com, and they’re in bed with SOPA, thereby you sir are in bed with SOPA and you I’m going to press charges to the tune of 7 trillion BitCoins. How can you sleep at night?
I sleep on a pile of pirated copies of Earth Girls Are Easy. He is seriously 50 years old.

 

Full Google Circles Walkthrough (with audio)

Welcome to Google Circles, the exciting new social networking platform from your friends at Google. If you’ve used Google products in the past, you’re going to feel right at home with Circles! We’ll help you keep in touch with your friends, share your life experiences and have fun, all with a user interface that you’ve come to expect from Google. Let’s take a look at some the key features that set us apart from the other social networking platforms.

Zero Set Up. Thank you for sharing all of your information with Google over the years. We really appreciate it! Now we’re going to return the favor by building your Circles account for you with a single click. We’ve safely stored your name, date of birth, address, social security number, sexual orientation, credit card numbers, fears, hopes, dreams, blood type, communicable diseases, body mass index, fingerprint, perversions and the name of your pets. Once you click Sign Up your Circles account is automatically created with all of your current information.

Building Your Circle. Other social networks scan your contact lists for your friends, but that can yield a lot of false positive results. You’re not friends with AAA or your dentist’s receptionist, right? Google Circles goes one step further by scanning your previous Google searches for names and automatically adding them to your Circle. Remember that time you searched Google for Brianna Mansour? Surely you remember Brianna, you both lost your virginity to each other in high school. You searched for the phrase “brianna mansour dead in car wreck please” on April 16th, 2006. Well, you don’t need to search for Brianna anymore because she’s in your Circle, and she’s doing great! This is just one example of how we can help you build your Circle thanks to the extensive records we’ve been keeping. You’re welcome!

Staying in the Loop. We can also use your daily search history to craft perfect status updates. You don’t even have to do anything, just go about your daily life and Google Circles will handle the rest. Based on your Google searches over the weekend, we’ve created the following status update for you –

Today I’m taking the 6 Train to 33rd STREET LEXINGTON, and walking to 570 SECOND AVENUE – AMC LOEWS KIPS BAY to see “Gnomeo & Juliet 3-D” (1 ticket). Then I’m walking to the nearest Old Navy for size 44 x 28 pants. What do herpes smell like? Then I’m going to eat lunch at McDONALD’S MUST HAVE BALL PIT KIDS BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Privacy. We take privacy very seriously.

Raise Your Voice! Are you one of the millions of satisfied Android or Google Voice users? Try syncing your phone to your Google Circles account and get ready to have some fun! Randomly throughout the day we’ll record your phone conversations and post them to your page, so you and your friends can listen to your personalized audio time capsule! We call these Voice Updates. Who were you talking to yesterday? Did you talk about Google Circles? Maybe you had a conversation with someone stationed overseas! I’ll bet you hope we randomly recorded that one. We’ve recorded one of your conversations and posted it to your Circles page as an example, take a listen:

Google Circles Voice Update

Come Full Circles. We’ve spent years working on Google Circles, building the platform from the ground up with the help of your personal data. We couldn’t have done it without you! Over the next few months we’ll be rolling out even more advanced features that will change the way you think about social networking, privacy and the legitimacy of some of our competitors. We think you’ll agree that Google Circles is three hundred and sixty degrees of fun.

“Cutting” the cable, wherein “cutting” cleverly replaces the word “canceling.”

A few months ago I made an announcement to my friends and family: WE ARE CANCELING CABLE. This proclamation does a few things –

(a) It gives an air of sophistication to the proclamationer. It says, “I don’t watch television because my mind is my most important possession. I’m assuming you don’t feel the same, and I accept that, because in addition to having strong opinions on media consumption in this country, I’m also capable of recognizing that my lifestyle may not be the best choice for you.”

(b) It screams, “I’m technologically savvy!” It’s kind of like getting rid of your cable box and purposefully keeping the cable box shelf in your entertainment center empty so someone will ask you about it. Oh, you watch television on a cable box? Huh. Oh, I just have a PC attached to my TV, 500 terabytes of legally obtained television shows, and this virtual reality helmet lets me control it all. No, we can’t watch King of Queens, the firewall won’t allow it. Also, TCP/IP’s, .NZB’s, 1080p’s, etc.

(c) It kinda makes the proclamationer sound like a douche.

The Netflix streaming factory. This woman is ensuring that there are two terrific movies and tv shows available for every 10,000 unwatchable pieces of shit.

My fiance and I had lofty dreams of life without cable. All the shows we wouldn’t be able to watch, all of the conversations about television shows that we could easily dismiss because, ahem, we don’t “do” television. Plus, every single device in the house can stream Netflix content, and that’s like basically the same as having cable, right? There’s Netflix on the XBox, the dusty old Wii, our computers, our phones, the fridge, the iPad, our graphing calculators, our electronic dream journals… you name it, chances are pretty good that it can stream Netflix content. The problem is that I’ll think of a movie I want to watch and I’ll check to see if it’s available to stream on Netflix, it’s all like, “Add Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation to your snail mail queue, you’ll get it whenever you decide to return Billy: The Early Years of Billy Graham!” And you know, I just like the idea of having Netflix’s copy of Billy: The Early Years of Billy Graham sitting on my shelf? And I don’t want to return it? And by now I’ve completely forgotten that I wanted to watch the Texas Chainsaw with Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey in the first place, and just watch people falling down flights of stairs on Youtube instead. I understand that I started this paragraph talking about television shows and now I’m talking about movies, so please accept my apologies and refer to point (a).

Now Amazon is offering free streaming of select movies and TV shows for Amazon Prime members. I thought this would be perfect! Amazon Prime is the greatest invention of all time, and it changed the way I shop. For example – I’m out of deodorant. Duane-Reed is about four blocks away. Outside. With Amazon Prime I can get a single stick of deodorant delivered to my door, and what the hell, let me just order some cat toys, four USB cable caddies, a USB cable caddy caddy and a few six packs of ginger beer. Yes I’d like my order shipped in as many boxes as possible, of course I want it delivered for free. 24-48 hours later it’s like goddamn Christmas morning, except I’m the only one getting presents, which is the greatest Christmas gift of all. So now Amazon Prime, on top of all of the joy and cat toys that Margot instantly loses as soon as I open the box, you’re going to throw in free movies? This is AMAZI-Oh… they’re all pretty much the same thing as Netflix huh? And I can’t watch streaming Amazon movies on any of the previous devices I listed to great comedic effect? OK. It’s OK Amazon Prime. You’re still the best at filling my hallway with boxes and bubble wrap, and Netflix can never take that away from you.

After tinkering with streaming sites and illegal downloads and honest-to-god rabbit ears, plus coming to terms with the fact that I begrudgingly like having cable for the odd episode of Intervention and repeats of Mr. Show (that I have on DVD but they’re all the way over there), we wound up just keeping the stupid cable. I just don’t mention it around my friends and family that were on the receiving end of my bold proclamation. I just throw a blanket over the cable box whenever anyone comes over, that usually does the trick. Now I think I’m going to start my own streaming site to compete with Amazon Prime and Hulu Plus and Netflix Pant. And it’s going to have every movie on earth, and it’s going to have every TV show on earth, and it’s going to be awesome. Give me a year to get some funding and some servers and check back for a major announcement regarding Super TMH PrimoPlus+.

Facebook’s mobile network location-based deal check in thing.

Facebook unveiled their plans for a mobile network on Wednesday, and everyone was kinda like, “Oh.” Their biggest announcement was advanced “single sign-on” technology, which means you sign into your account once (like, right now), and then every website in the world links to your Facebook account and you never get signed out or your money back. This is important because… people hate logging into things I guess? Facebook seems pretty focused on improving the “typing your username and password” experience on mobile devices by replacing login screens with big friendly “Log Me In Via My Social Networking Avatar” buttons. Never again will you have to remember your banking information! Just “Facebook it up! (patent pending),” check your balance and then post a status update right from your checking account summary page.

Phyllis McGillicutty just transferred $1,287 from account baby daughter’s college fund to account COCAINE AND SHOESSSSSSSSSSS using TD Waterhouse MobileApp®.

Check in for 10% off grave blankets!

Similarly, when one of my Facebook friends is spewing hate propaganda about the current administration, I can one-click my way over to Amazon (WITHOUT EVER SIGNING IN OR OUT ARE YOU READING THIS) and view a personalized shopping cart filled with Glen Beck pamphlets, teabags and NOBAMA bumper stickers. Then I can just say, “The president is a MOSLIM,” and through the power of voice recognition technology, the items are purchased, shipped, and delivered to my door within two days. Facebook!

Times are hard, and people are cheap. Deal websites are hot right now, because I’m not going to pay full price for 15,000 CD jewel cases, ok? I just won’t. Has this ever happened to you? You’re at the Gap looking at a pair of slacks, and they’re $60, but you only have $48, and you live in a state that doesn’t tax clothing, and you just leave the store because, for real man, you can’t even afford pants? Once again, Facebook’s all up in your shit, saving you fat sacks of cash with their new “Loyalty Ala-Cart Push Location Aware Messaging Service for Deals” system. Here’s how it works:

1. Go to The Gap.
2. Check into The Gap via Facebook Mobile to tell all of your friends that you’re at The Gap.
3. Post a status update about your experience at The Gap so far.
4. “Like” your status from step 3.
5. Receive a digital coupon for 20% off your purchase!
6. Post pictures of yourself in the changing room. You look great!
7. Take your items to the register.
8. Befriend the clerk behind the register.
9. Pay for your purchase, but don’t forget your coupon!
10. Achievement Unlocked – Purchased slacks.

These are just a few of the first steps into full Facebook life integration, and even more exciting developments are on the horizon, and no, this isn’t scary at all! What are the odds of someone stealing your phone and having access to every account that’s tied to your Facebook account that you can never sign out of? I’m pretty sure odds don’t even exist for something as implausible as that. But if you’re like me and you want some cold hard statistics, here you go – one in a hundred million nevers.