panic attacks

Autoblow 2 – Frequently Asked Questions

A lot of people ask me, “Hey John, what do you do for a living again?” And I say, I’m a technical writer. I write software documentation, error messages… and at this point I see their eyes fluttering and rolling back into their heads. I administer the smelling salts and they regain consciousness. “Oh yeah yeah, hey wow that sounds really fascinating,” they yawn as they check their imaginary beeper and mumble something about “having to take this.”

ab2Granted, writing sentences like, “Step 5: Click the Install button to install” is not very fulfilling. So that’s why I offer my tech writing expertise to products I feel strongly about, completely unsolicited and without warning. Such as the recently crowdfunded robotic blow job device, the Autoblow 2. Oh you know, it’s just the revolutionary stroker that’s powered by a standard wall plug, works with 3 interchangeable sleeves, and features a motor that’s rated to last over 500 hours! It’s only the hottest jerk bot around, having raised over $280,000 on indiegogo from sticky-fingered philanthropists.

Clearly the makers of the Autoblow 2 are proud of their product. “THE BLOWJOB ROBOT EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT” screams their website. Lots of videos and testimonials, nice font choices, etc. But their frequently asked questions page? It’s a goddamn disgrace. Ooh how long will it take to ship to my unmarked storm drain? Durr how often do I need to change the  ejaculate filter on this thing? Pitiful. Here are some frequently asked questions worthy of this miracle device:

Q: I’m thoroughly enjoying my Autoblow 2. But I have to ask, what happened to the Autoblow 1?

A: Customers found the Autoblow 1, codename BONE DRONE, to be too lifelike. Much like the uncanny valley, we created virtual blowjob technology that was too perfect for this world. So perfect that the human mind couldn’t comprehend the sensations delivered by BONE DRONE. Therefore, it had to be destroyed for the good of mankind.

Q: I don’t know how to say this, but… I think I’m… I think I’m falling in love with my Autoblow 2. Is this normal? It’s normal right? There’s nothing wrong with me. This thing feels good, and I’ve earned this. I work hard every day, and I’m a well-adjusted, capital N Normal fella. Right? Please tell me I’m right. I’m leaving my wife.

A: We’re so happy that you’re enjoying your Autoblow 2 experience! Never contact us again.

Q: I’m sure you get this a lot, but can this thing jerk me to death? Or near death? Basically I want to look God straight in the eye as I climax, is there a setting for that?

A: Although “Death Jerk” is not a supported feature of the Autoblow 2, the device can be jailbroken to accommodate custom settings. Please note that installing custom firmware on your device voids the manufacturer’s warranty, and we cannot be held responsible for any ejaculation-based death, near death, or afterlife experiences.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Soylent, from the makers of Hell Gravy, the poisonous gravy from Hell

Soylent is the hot new food substitute that’s intended to supply all the nutrients the human body needs without the time, money, or effort associated with real food. For about $4 a serving, this “just add water” replacement could revolutionize the way we think about food, and it’s being targeted at people who are too busy to eat. It also looks like the cloudy water that accumulates in the last bowl in the sink when you’re doing the dishes.

WARNING: NOT DELICIOUS EGG NOG. NO YULETIDE CHEER TO BE FOUND HERE

WARNING: NOT DELICIOUS EGG NOG. NO YULETIDE CHEER TO BE FOUND HERE

But how does it taste? Reviews are all over the place, from “This is real bad” to “Why are you doing this to me?” But forget all that. I don’t know about you, but I am sick of thinking about what to eat every day. I’m a very powerful, fancy man, and sitting down to eat with my family is so BORING JESUS CHRIST WHO CARES. With Soylent, I just need enough brain power to mix water with powder. Hey honey, what’s for breakfast lunch and dinner for the rest of our lives? Oh that’s right, flesh colored sludge. “Oh man remember how we used to eat food?” we’d laugh as our teeth fall out of our mouths from under usage. Perfect, now we don’t have to waste time brushing our teeth, that’s another 4 minutes of “me time” that big dental can’t have.

Let’s just get this out of the way because I know you’re all thinking it. “Soylent Green is made out of people.” Probably the most famous Charlton Heston quote that doesn’t involve damn dirty apes or the business end of an assault rifle in your face. I can assure you that this new food alternative, and let’s just call it Soylent Beige for argument’s sake, is NOT made out of people. Disregard the distinct, flesh-like hue of the drink and focus more on the ingredients. Maltodextrin, Rice Protein, Oat Flour, and 100% of your recommended daily allowance of TOTALLY NOT GROUND UP HUMAN BODIES. They even underlined it.

That being said, maybe it’s best to name your food substitute, say… literally anything else. It’s like naming a new space-age baby formula Bleach and then being like, well duh, of course not THAT bleach, this is New Bleach. For babies to drink. Yeah, our logo is a skull and crossbones, it’s awesome.

I have some experience with liquid diets. A few years ago, my wife suggested we try a juice fast. The idea of flushing toxins from my body while drinking nothing but juice for 5 days sounded great. My body’s a cesspool of toxins, I love Hawaiian Punch, let’s do this. And then a box of kale water and broccoli nectar arrived on our doorstep, juices that were somehow more boring than regular water. The first day was fine. Halfway through the second day we were both rolling around on the floor, too weak to stand or punctuate our cursing with hand gestures. At my lowest point I tried eating one of the bottles just to feel something real. That night, embarrassed by defeat, we ate at the local Toxin Burger and smashed every glass of water they brought to the table.

Is Soylent Beige for me? Based on that last example, clearly not. But if you live in a part of the world where food isn’t guaranteed every day, it might be a good alternative to dying from malnutrition. Or at the very least, a good alternative to wallpaper paste.

You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday at justin.tv/aweseometalktv or constantly on our YouTube channel.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

Another week, another special Awesome Talk final word. I tested this one out on about seven different focus groups and they all agreed: “Those sure are words.” Were they right? READ ON.

Some say the existence of urban legends are, in fact, an urban legend.

The other day, due to circumstances I’d rather not disclose, I found myself with a large collection of teeth that I needed to dispose of. A few thousand frantic public library Google searches later, with phrases such as “teeth melt” “teeth melt no evidence” “teeth melt no evidence as few steps as possible”, I came across the old urban legend that said a tooth could dissolve in a can of soda. And that’s one of those things where you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting” or you’re like me and you think, “Huh that’s kind of interesting, but what about like, an obscene amount of teeth. Like, more than an average person should have in a foot locker.” The library was closing, and there was no time for further research. It was, as Redman once said, time 4 sumaksion.

“Good morning John!” My neighbor waved at me from the next yard over as he watered his lawn. “What’s uh… going on over there?” I think he was talking about the bottles of soda I was pouring into a kiddie pool next to a foot locker labeled DEFINITELY NOT TEETH. “Hey good morning Bill. Oh you know, house stuff.” I stared at him, dead eyed, as I poured the last bottle into the pool. “Well, I’ll uh, let you get to it then,” Bill said as he dropped his hose and slowly walked backwards into his house. I grunted in his direction and stirred my concoction with a badminton racket. Long story short, I learned that teeth do not dissolve in soda. Not even cute little baby teeth. I also learned that it’s not easy to drag a kiddie pool full of soda and teeth onto your neighbor’s lawn when it’s swarming with bees. They don’t tell you these things on Snopes. Sometimes you need to visit thisissomerealshit.com/fucking_deal_with_it.html.

This happened once probably maybe who gives a shit

This happened once probably maybe not who gives a shit shut up

Heartbroken, it was time for more urband legend research. Maybe my favorite one is that Disney World visitors are not allowed to die on the premises. Say you were having a massive heart attack after a raucous twirl on the teacups, park workers would supposedly drag you into the parking lot to die, far away from the magic and whimsy. God that’s the best. What if you were decapitated on Space Mountain?  Would they keep your head frozen in a jar like Walt Disney and throw it on a bus headed for Universal Studios? What if you saw a dude dressed up like Donald Duck and he was teaching little kids how to smoke meth and your soul died? Disney World representatives did not have answers to these questions, but I think “Sir you need to stop calling here, this is Dorney Park” is actually code for “We’re illuminati lizard men, and we can do whatever we want.”

So all I’m saying is, don’t trust the internet to debunk urban legends. You have to get out there in the field, get your hands dirty – flash your highbeams at passing cars in the night if their lights are off! I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen? How are you gonna know whether or not it’s a gang initiation thing unless you witness them pull a u-turn, run your car off the road and then stab you to death?  “I was right. I was so right,” you’ll gurgle as the newly initiated gang member is presented with his monogrammed jacket and plaque. The gang will all cheer and lift him up on their shoulders, but really, it’s you they should be celebrating. You, the stabbed to death, urban legend… what’s the opposite of debunking? Bunking, I guess. The stabbed to death, urban legend bunking hero.  Godspeed.

Have you guys ever heard this song it’s real good

The C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System

A deadly cobra is missing from the Bronx Zoo and you’re the only one who can find it! This is not a choose your own adventure book, but if it was, here are your options – on page 72 you find the cobra, battle it, and the cobra rues the day it ever attempted to escape. On page 153 it kills you and cobras take over the fucking world. That’s it! It’s a pretty lengthy book considering there are only two possible outcomes, but these are the stakes when fighting deadly snakes. Thankfully, there is a foolproof system in place to ensure your victory over the snake kingdom phylum class subgenre, outlined by this simple acrostic: 

The C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System
C – Consider your options.
O – Observe the area.
B – Bite back.
R – Repeat the previous step.
A – (call an) Ambulance.

Let’s “break it down” ala Stop, Hammer Times:

GOOD MORNING!

C – Consider your options. Look, maybe the snake isn’t really missing ok? I swear to god he was here a minute ago… no, you know what, he’s right ther- no, shit that’s a leaf. OK OK OK, think think think, he doesn’t have any legs so he probably didn’t get very far, right? I am so screwed. I am SO SCREWED. Let me retrace my steps – ok I was in the closet getting the snake chow, then I opened the tank to drop in the snake chow, then my phone rang, and I dropped it into the tank and then… oh shit my phone’s gone too! Are you kidding me? Are you fucking serious right now? If that snake took my phone I am going to be so pissed. DO YOU HEAR ME SNAKE?! SO. PISSED.

O – Observe the area. By this point, you’re fairly certain that the cobra is on the loose, possibly with an iPhone 3GS. You’re like 60% positive it didn’t leave the reptile house because it’s unseasonably cold in the Bronx right now, so you round up some of your buddies to secure the perimeter. Because that sounds pretty awesome, and what friend wouldn’t be like HELL YEAH if you asked them to secure a perimeter? No friend wouldn’t do that. At this point, we’re going to make a fairly huge assumption for the sake of the acrostic – you found the snake, and armed with a butterfly net and a hammer, you’ve got that sonofabitch cornered.

B – Bite back. And of course the thing bites you. You tell your friends to abandon their perimeter posts and run for their lives and then you assess the situation. You’ve got about ten minutes before you lose sensation in your limbs, so it’s time to act with your most important limb – your mouth. BITE IT BACK! You’ve got the venom inside you now, and cobras are deathly allergic to cobra venom. The venom is going to be dripping out of your canine teeth, but just to be safe, just get as much of the cobra into your mouth as possible and with a chewing motion, chew the shit out of the snake’s head. Really get in there like RARRRGHHHH. The venom in your system will act as an anti-venom in case the thing gets smart and tries to bite you again while it’s inside your mouth.

R- Repeat the previous step. Things are going to stop making sense around the sixth minute of your attack. The skin around the bite will be reaching an advanced stage of necrosis, and while your lungs will still be functioning, they’re going to feel both on fire and flooded with a cold inexplicable liquid. The earth will be spinning faster than ever before and the faces of your loved ones will pass before your lifeless, vacant eyes, all hissing and flicking their tongues at you. Embracing death’s warm embrace will feel like your number one priority right now. This is totally normal, but NOT an excuse to stop. Continue biting until you reach bone.

A – (call an) Ambulance. If you’ve followed the C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System to the letter, the escaped cobra will be subdued and looking groggy. You’ve saved the day and, wait a second, your phone was in your pocket this whole time! You mistook it for a tin of Altoids. With your last remaining seconds of consciousness, it’s time to call an ambulance. When they ask for your name, reply (your name), Cobra Commander. They’ll handle the rest. The cobra, embarrassed and stupid, will crawl back into its tank, close the lid and rue the day it ever attempted to escape in the first place. Rue the day, sweet cobra. Rue the day. Sweet cobra.

Other sites would use this final paragraph to drop a disclaimer, like, this information is for entertainment purposes only, and any living, fictional or dead cobras will probably kill you if you perform any of the actions above. But not here. I stand by the C.O.B.R.A. Retrieval System 100%, and I guarantee that you’ll successfully find, fight and fucking decimate any cobra that you see by following this scientifically proven system. Did you know that if you pay a snake wrangler enough money, they’ll say literally anything you put in front of them? Just ask snake wrangler and world’s leading cobra puncher Jeffrey Trombonés, who says, “C.O.B.R.A. R.O.C.K.S. (Readily Obliterates Cobra King of Snakes) dude!” Seriously ask yourself, why would Jeffrey put his exceedingly awesome name and reputation on the line?