Technology has the power to save lives. Remember William Shatner Presents: Rescue 911? The premise of the show was that normal, everyday folks would need rescuing (because they’re trapped under ice, their car stalled in the middle of a monster truck rally, or they’re flattened under an avalanche of dish detergent), and through the powers of telephony, a police officer (played by William Shatner) would Rescue 911 them. The most advanced piece of technology on the show was a rotary telephone – a live operator would actually speak to the person in need of rescue and be like, “Do you know where you are? Can you give me the coordinates of the bear that stole your baby? I NEED YOU TO STAY CALM MA’AM.â€
Rescue 911 probably still exists in one form or another for normal people. But people that actually matter, namely celebrities and celebratants, don’t know how to dial numbers on their phone when they’re in trouble. Thankfully, Foursquare and Twitter, two of the most powerful Webintosh 2.0 HTML5++ technologies known to man, are like Rescue 911 (and its spin-off, Rescue 227) for the Hollywood elite.
Saving you with my poignant status updates.
The bass player from 30 Seconds to Mars scalded himself on a latte. That part of your hand between your thumb and pointer finger. NO! HIS GOLDEN HAND MUST BE SAVED. In the late 80’s, he’d have to find a pay phone, dial R-E-S-C-U-E-9-1-1 with his good hand and wait days for an ambulance to take him to the hospital. But this is 2010 – he checks into Starbucks via Foursquare then posts “@JaredLeto ouch just brunt myslf at strbcks gonna sue these fucks lmao†on Twitter. Thirty seconds to Mars later, Jared Leto blasts through the front of the Starbucks on a golden motorcycle which grows wings and whisks the bass player to safety. The music industry is saved thanks to Twitter, Foursquare and, to a lesser extent, Jared Leto’s golden motorcycle that grows wings for some reason.
Don’t you see? Social media saved his goddamn life! You thought Foursquare merely provided a way to virtually watch Paul Reubens eat a sandwich, but it’s so much more. Take this extremely real set of circumstances, for example – sketch comic extraordinaire Chris Kattan is eating lunch with a celebrity gal-pal at Spago. I can’t say who the gal pal is, but I’ll give you a hint – Cheri Oteri, probably. Anyway, they’re enjoying their appetizer (Dungeness Crab Raviolini – kind of a small portion for two, but they were saving room for their entree) when A HOSTAGE SITUATION BREAKS THE FUCK OUT. Thanks to Twitter, we can recreate the events of that horrifying afternoon –
chriskattan: Having lunch with a very special friend @ Spago. Talking about the good ol’ days! You canna toucha the Mango lolololololololo
chriskattan: Ummmmmmmmmm… a bus boy is getting really loud with Josh Hartnett a few tables over. Everyones staring awkwaaaaaaaaaard
chriskattan: OMG he just punched Josh Hartnett in the face! Check please LMAO. I’ll be taking my lunch TO GO, Wolfgang! ;)
chriskattan: Wait, now a bunch of other bus boys have barricaded the doors and they’re making demands. Only in Beverly Hills!
chriskattan: WHOA they just shot the hostess! All of my KattanFans – please BBM the police. Check my foursquare for the address (also, add me!)
chriskattan: @WillFerrell it’s been a while, but you’re not gonna believe the day I’m having. Night @ Roxbury 2 might not be happening. FML
chriskattan: POLICE ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chriskattan: Situation defused. Very special thanks to the Beverly Hills police and all of my KattanFans!! Gonna go home and watch “the mask†Somebody st
chriskattan: op me!
Someday, real people like you and me will have heavily followed Twitters, Foursquares, and ApplePings. Then, our adoring fans will pamper us and call the police when we’re in trouble and give to our important charities. Maybe someday I will personally save your life if you star in one of my favorite movies or write my favorite song!