Attaining Spiritual Enlightenment Through Wisdom Teeth Extraction

The surgeon placed the needle in my arm, and in a very soothing voice said, “This is the last thing you’re going to remember.” Puzzled by this, I asked, “The needle in my arm, or the fact that you said this is the last thing I’m going to remember?” but wait, no, actually I just said “what” and then fell asleep.

When I told people that I was being put to sleep for my wisdom teeth extraction, they all had a glint of jealousy in their eyes. Sure you’re going to have teeth ripped from your skull, but the dreams, my god the dreams when you’re under! I hoped that I would dream of waking up in a quiet meadow, perhaps with a Native American shaman waiting for me, sitting Native American style on a rock. He would point off to a mountain in the distance, a perfectly timed eagle scream somehow illuminating my path towards spiritual enlightenment. For hours we would walk, stopping briefly to admire the vistas of the world that lives inside all of us. At the mountain’s summit, a black elk would whisper a passage from a forgotten tome in a language unspoken since the beginning of time, and my third eye would open. My mind would flood with the knowledge that every living being is connected to the roots of the tree that was now growing out of my back.

That’s what I hoped would happen. I would have settled for Adam Sandler in brown face, playing a character named something spiritual like Farts on Dick, reviewing dialogue from his new racist hit movie The Ridiculous Six with me. Steve Buscemi is wearing a bear costume for some reason, Rob Schneider has a feather behind his ear and he’s huffing paint out of a brown paper bag, screaming about the dangers of vaccinating my children. Actual Native Americans are storming out of my spirit journey, uncomfortable with this bastardization of Apache culture and blaming me for concocting this nightmare.

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None of that happened. Instead I had a vague sense that a man was breaking my goddamn face in half with a series of sharp metal instruments. That, my friends, is the difference between nitrous oxide and anesthesia.

My wife drove me home, filled my head with percocet and fired up HBO Go. My eyes (sadly not my third eye) focused on one movie and one movie only – Devil’s Advocate. And though I saw about a third of the movie as I drifted in and out of consciousness, I managed to see my favorite part of Devil’s Advocate, maybe my favorite part of any movie. Charlize Theron is torn. On one hand she wants to have a baby with her very consistently southern accented husband Kevin, played by Keanu Reeves, but she’s having satanic nightmares of babies ripping out her baby making parts. Anyway, long story short, before he carts her off to a psychiatric hospital she screams, “They took mah ovaries Kayvin” which is right up there with “You talkin’ to me” and “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass” in terms of perfect cinematic dialogue.

What was this about again? Right. Wisdom teeth. Some say that you lose your wisdom when you have those little fuckers removed, but that’s only if you don’t have them on your person at all times. And honestly, what kind of amateur do you take me for?

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You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.

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