I’ve been working on a secret project for a while now, and I’m finally ready to share it with the world. Below is an excerpt from my new book, I hope you love it.
Telekinesis for Beginners: An Introductory Guide to the Ancient Art of Picking Stuff Up with your Brain.
Introduction
How many times has this happened to you? A prowler is snooping about in your begonias. You can see him out there because it’s broad daylight and he’s wearing a comically conspicuous black and white striped prowler outfit. You’re excited because now would be the perfect time to test out that new pistol you got for Christmas a few years ago. That was the best work-mandated Secret Santa party ever because you got a brand new glock and all you brought was a $20 gift certificate to the video store that burned down 10 years ago. But UGH it’s all the way over there in the closet in a safe and the bullets are hidden in the hollowed out bible you keep on your hope chest and that prowler is looking real mad and real ethnic. This looks like a job for telekinesis. With just the power of your brain waves you can unlock the safe, flip open the bible, load the gun and end the prowler’s life before he can say “Trick-or-Treat for Unicef.”
This book will teach you the basics of telekinesis through brain exercises, timed exams, poems and prayer. But hold on there, Carrie. This isn’t prom night, John Travolta didn’t dump a bucket of pig’s blood on you just yet, you have to learn the basics first. It’s like that old famous telekinesisman saying, “You have to learn how to throw a grape in the air and catch it in your mouth before you can level a city block with your thoughts.” Oh also, that reminds me, you should only use your new-found powers for good, so please only level city blocks riddled with crime. Let’s get started!
Chapter 1 – Just Picking Stuff Up With Your Hands
Fig. 1 – Fingerkinesis training exercise: Lift a small box while wearing small shorts.
What if I told you that by physically picking up this book you’re already on your way to becoming a master brain mover? You’re performing fingerkinesis, the ancient art of picking stuff up with your hands. That’s probably a thing, right? I mean, it’s right here in this book you’re reading. Practice fingerkinesis every day for at least 6 hours. Pick things up around your house, or at a friend’s house, and put them back down, or put your friends down. You’re doing it. You’re really doing it.
QUIZ ZONE:
Question 1 – Fingerkinesis is the ancient art of picking stuff up with your –
a) brain
b) hands
c) complicated pulley system
If you answered b, you’re correct, and you’re ready to unlock your full telekinetic potential. Imagine the thrill of walking through the grocery store, tossing cans into your cart without exerting yourself, or standing at the bus stop, tossing cans at a bus without exerting yourself.
(And then I just kind of trail off on the whole tossing cans with your brain thing for like 30 more pages, not really sure what happened there. I hope you’ll check out Telekinesis for Beginners wherever fine books are sold, like on your computer or at a dead nerd’s estate sale.)
You can watch me scream and yell all of my recent posts on AwesomeTalk! It airs every other Tuesday on our YouTube channel, where you can also find past episodes and other psychotic vlog vids.