The New Jersey Turnpike Authority is HOPPING MAD about service mark infringements! A pizza chain in Florida co-opted the Garden State Parkway logo, slapped their name on it, and are getting sued to Hell and back for their crimes. Is nothing sacred, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza? Before the days of GPS, there was nothing more reassuring than a green Parkway or Turnpike sign. Even if was just a sign that said PARKWAY, 20 miles in the other direction, at least you knew you were on the right track. And here comes Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, waltzing in here, stealing our signs, making a mockery of our roadways.
Now you’re probably thinking, “Who cares? It’s just a sign.” You’re probably sitting there, arms crossed, like, “I love pizza, I love signs, I hate freedom, what’s the scoop here John?” Well ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that this is not actually about infringement, it’s about highway safety.
WHAT EXIT ARE YOU, PIZZA?
Let’s set the scene. You’re lost. You were just trying to get some sweet corn from a roadside stand in central Jersey, but you accidentally drove 1500 miles south across 5 states. Once you reach the Florida Keys, the realization that you have absolutely no idea where the fuck you are begins to set in. “WE’RE NOT LOST” you scream at your children in the backseat, who have not looked up from their devices since this trip started 24 hours ago. Just as you’re about to drive your family into the Atlantic, submerging them and their memories of your subpar navigation skills, you see the sign. The old familiar green and yellow Garden State Parkway sign. “You see? YOU SEE!? I TOLD YOU WE’RE NOT LOST!” you scream at your blissfully unaware and above-water children. You follow the arrows… but instead of a toll booth, you crash your minivan straight into the dining room of Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, the Florida pizza establishment. “Hey is this a highway or a restaurant?” you ask the owner, who is now pinned to the wall underneath an 8×10 photo of The Sopranos signed by the guy that played AJ. He’s coughing up blood all over your fender, you’re just trying to figure out if they take EZ Pass or not.
This is the scenario that the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is trying to avoid. And who can blame them? Do you think GPS satellites can penetrate the thick fog of malaise and Disney mind control chemicals that blanket Florida? Hell no, directions down there are delivered the old fashioned way, straight from chewing tobaccee-filled mouths and punctuated with racial slurs. You need all the help you can get navigating through Florida, and these signs are confusing, dangerous, and they must be stopped.
So just change your name, Jersey Boardwalk Pizza, it’s real simple. Something subtle that would still look good on a sign. Something like Dangerous Roadwork Ahead Pizza. Drive Like Your Kids Live Here Italian Eatery. Vincenzo’s Speed Limit Enforced by Aircraft Pasta Dump. Just whatever you do, please leave the parkway out of it.
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