Could I BE Creating Midseason Replacements… Any… Better?

I read this little number on AwesomeTalk last night. It was a real doozy. A doozy number. You can relive my experience by reading it aloud yourself. Try it!

Could I BE Creating Midseason Replacements… Any… Better?

Midseason TV replacements are a great way to wipe the slate clean. Sure, we all thought a new sitcom starring Matthew Perry as a hot air balloon repairman was going to be a huge hit, but audiences just weren’t ready for Could I BE Repairing Any More Hot Air Balloons? Not to worry, NBC can just quietly cancel it and puke up some other bullshit to take its place – cheaper, less risky midseason replacements. Something quick and easy like, oh I don’t know, how about…

Mouse House, Mondays at 9pm on NBC – Two recently widowed gentlemen are forced to share an apartment, and their lives are turned upside down by a family of animated mice that live in the walls. An unstable, stuttering neighbor that never wears shoes adds to the hilarity. Their landlord, also animated, constantly insinuates that the neighbors are gay, and also helps the gang solve mysteries. Oh right, I forgot to mention – the mice and the two guys, and the shoeless, stuttering neighbor solve mysteries for some reason. And also breakdance.

No good? OK, how about –

Don’t Stand There!, Wednesdays at 10 pm on A&E –  We’re done with Hoarders. But we still need a way to exploit the mentally ill for our amusement. Don’t Stand There! is a new game show from the people that brought you Hoarders, and the rules are simple – spend 5 hours inside a house filled with garbage, and find a place to stand. A certifiable crazy person will let you know whether it’s safe for you to stand there or not. Whoops, looks like you’re standing on the hoarder’s duffle bag full of USB cables, that’s a no-no zone! You just lost 100 points and now a confused, stammering maniac is reading you the riot act. “DON’T YOU STAND THERE, YA HEAR ME? THIS MY HOUSE. THIS MY HOUSE AND YOU DON’T GET TO STAND THERE.” Much like the Game of Thrones, when you play Don’t Stand There! you either win or you suffocate to death under a pile of garbage.

Don't stand there. Or there. That's my favorite pile of cat turds you're standing on.

Don’t stand there. Or there. That’s my favorite pile of cat turds you’re standing on.

Looking for a healthy dose of reality? Bravo’s got you covered –

American Muscle Jerks, Monday through Friday, 24 hours a day, only on Bravo – If you’re like me, you want to watch the day-to-day shenanigans of old tyme throwback soda jerks, serving up vanilla cokes and smiles. Also, you want the soda jerks to be steroid-abusing, testosterone-dripping muscle-bound freaks. Follow Anthony, Trab, Flint, Bonesaw, Lil’ Pounder and the rest of the gang as they run New Jersey’s hottest sodee fountain slash gymnasium. Every episode will feature at least 20 references to “jerking it,” guaranteed. What else will happen? Who gives a shit, just look at these adonnesis! Put some creatine in your milkshake and stop hastlin’ me ya fuckin’ pipsqueeks! And if you like the American Muscle Jerks, you’re going to love The Real Housewives of the American Muscle Jerks. 9 women, all named Brandee, all selling their own brand of flavored water, all constantly pummeling each other.

I’m ready to write, produce, direct, and star in every one of these masterpieces, so please call your local cable providers and DEMAND that these shows get made.

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