November, 2013:

Have you guys ever heard this song it’s real good

AWESOMETALK – The Final Word on Thanksgiving

Hello! It’s been a while, but I’m back in blog form. What brought me out of retirement? The good folks at Awesome Talk, that’s what! Actually, that’s who, not what. Awesome Talk is a bi-weekly talk show featuring a crew of superfriends (Rick, Ryan, Andrew, Sarah, Stonz, and some other folks I haven’t met yet). They asked me to stop by for Episode 10, then had me back for THE FINAL WORD on Episode 11, which was recorded last night. It was a damn good time! It’ll be up on youtube soon, but in the meantime, here is my…

Final Word on Thanksgiving – 

Thanksgiving is here, and like most people, I’ve been getting my thank on in preparation for the upcoming extravaganza. People ask me, they ask, hey John, that’s them asking. They ask, Hey John, how many things are you thankful for? Then they pause and wait for my answer. And my answer is this – 156 things. I know, I know, a little light this year, but we have to get through all of them to appease the turkey gods.

1.  THE FOOD. I don’t know if you realize this, but we are a culture that LOVES FOOD. Entire STORES dedicated to the stuff. Books, websites, even television shows! I recently watched a live 2 hour broadcast of celebrity chefs preparing a thanksgiving feast, and I guess it was supposed to remind me of home because it was a lot of people getting drunk and reading twitter while accidentally remembering that they’re supposed to be cooking something. However, no one called the president an ethnic slur or threatened a deceased relative with a carving knife pointed towards the heavens. This just proves that there are some things that TV will never get right. It will never replace the fuzzy in the tummy feeling of eating cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, rolls, stuffing, and turkey… all in that exact order, because my OCD demands that I eat all of my foods alphabetically.

Can one projector handle SO MUCH HEAD

2. THE MEMORIES. What thanksgiving would be complete without a trip down the ol’ Memory lane. Hey remember the time that thing happened, asks the brain, because that’s what brains do. Here’s a thanksgiving memory my family brings up every year: my mom lit a turkey on fire. There were flames and smoke and… That’s all I remember about the story. It happened either 5 or 10 or 25 years ago, maybe? It was either really bad or maybe it was really good? “Hey remember when mom lit the turkey on fire?” asks my entire family and they all nod in agreement. “Mmmyes, that was a thing that happened.” I sit there dead eyed, unable to remember. Then I start to think maybe this isn’t my real family? Oh no, did they die in the turkey fire? HOLY SHIT DID I DIE IN THE TURKEY FIRE? A quick glance at my hands to make sure they’re not transparent ghost hands, and whew, ok – totally solid. Now I know it’s a bit cliched, but that’s another thing I’m thankful for. No dead in a fire transparent ghost hands. Add it to the list, 157 things.

3 – 157. ONE PIECE OF THANKFULNESS FOR EVERY GIGABYTE OF THIS TORRENT I’M DOWNLOADING. 154 gigs of rap airhorn sound effects. Oh man it’s almost done. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… COMPLETE. Ahh, that’s the stuff. That’s something we can all be thankful for.