April, 2011:

These toons will make you feel brand new, their captions inspire you.

Whether Roger Ebert chooses to admit it or not, we have a lot in common. We both gave Spice World zero thumbs up and we both enter submissions to the New Yorker cartoon caption contests every week. Unlike me though, he finally won! That’s just… that’s really funny. New Yorker cartoon captions are known for their sharp whit, their ageless giggle factor and their ability to make you say, “Huh. That’s a caption all right.” Below you’ll find some of my recent entries to the contest. I usually print them out and write the captions with a quill, but I digitized them for you below. You’re welcome.

 

"I'm not going to pay a lot for this muffler."

 

"Why are you sitting all the way over there? Did I forget to shower this morning or something? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

 

"Our house is about to jump off this cliff because it is sad."

 

"I went to the rope store today. They had a sale on candelabras."

 

"My name is Hunter S. Thompson and I have bees all over my face because I'm on drugs."

 

"OH FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK"

supertmh2 presents: Who Is Being Brushed? the mixtape

You know that sample that’s like, “This is a journey into sound?” Then it’s all brr-brr-brr-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr airhorn sounds? Well, this is my journey into sound. Brr-brr-brr-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I threw some of my favorite songs together as a sort of mini soundtrack / mixtape for supertmh2. I hope you love it. I hope you download it over and over and blast it in your car via an iDevice. I’d love to hear some feedback too! Positive feedback preferred.

supertmh2 presents: Who Is Being Brushed? the mixtape

Featuring: jj – Still, Rob Kleiner – My Bones Colossal, Klaxons – Echoes, L7 – Fast and Frightening, Crystal Castles – Vietnam, The Weeknd – Glass Table Girls, Foxy Shazam – Ghost Animals, Narrated by the Young Man’s Inner Psyche and Id.

 

Rutgers University Presents: The State of the Snooki Address

Jersey Shore starlet and World Wrestling Entertainment representative Nicole “Superfly Snooki” Polizzi was paid $32,000 to speak at my alma mater (teh school I gradeuated in). The world is not happy about this because she has a hard time forming sentences without falling down, and a mandatory student fee paid for her appearance. So, maybe you wanted your student fee to pay for a more thoughtful speaking engagement from the guy that stars in the Old Spice commercials or Jesse Camp or Puck – tough shit, listen to Snooki instead.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I went to the Newark flavor of Rutgers, not New Brunswick where this all took place. During my four years at the Newark campus, I think we had one celebrity guest – Jurassic 5? Maybe? I don’t know, I didn’t go. Also, slightly off topic – around the corner from my campus was a store that sold nothing but Naughty by Nature shirts. 10 years ago.

So, we all paid $32,000 for this shit and we’re very upset about it. What advice did Snooki have for her audience of backwards hatted bros and girls that still dot their i’s with arrow punctured hearts? Please be forewarned, whatever happens in this next indented paragraph will be met with ALL CAPS COMMENTS ABOUT THE WORLD ENDING.

Snooki and her sidekick, comedian Adam Ace, brought eight students on stage to teach them the “Jersey Shore” fist pump and her signature “tree branch” dance. Snooki also judged a “Situation” contest to see which of five male students had the best abs.

When asked her inspiration in life, Snooki said: “Being tan. When you’re tan, you feel better about yourself.”

Snooki said she had partied at Rutgers before, but the details were hazy. “I’m pretty sure I came here. I don’t remember what happened,” she said.

Her parting advice to Rutgers students: “Study hard, but party harder.”

This is all your fault. You are the reason we are where we are today. You shot 10,000 reality star memes out of your nose and into our homes. And get your FILTHY HANDS OUT OF THE PEANUT BUTTER.

NO! NO! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! DID YOU READ WHAT SHE SAID!? I have half a mind to complain about this on the internet! NJ.com commenting all-star “njjammer,” summed it up with a level-head when he or she said, “Quiet! If you listen closely you can hear the galloping of the horses carrying the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. Money well spent Rutgers!” njjammer is right. Horsemen are carried by horses. And also, Rutgers should be spending money on moats, catapults and archers to fend off said horse-riding horsemen on horseback. If I got a phone call from an undergrad soliciting money for the “Rutgers Apocalypse Defense Fund,” I’d be all over that shit. “We need swords that shoot flames when you thrust them into the air, sorcery lessons and enchanted talismans, and if you could just donate $100 we’d greatl-” SOLD.

I don’t think Snooki’s appearance is a sign of the apocalypse. Reality show stars are in-demand right now, and people like to give them money to say dumb things. Donald Trump is talking about running for president of the United Fucking States, solely on a platform of “The current president is a black, so…” and people are thoughtfully stroking their neck folds with the words, “I agree with the man on the teevee,” drooling out of their mouths. And you’re going to blame Snooki for capitalizing on the unquenchable thirst for dumb people saying things? If Charlie Sheen was a meme when they were booking this event, they would have gotten him instead because #winning #crazy_words #oh_man_remember_when_he_said_winning_before_lololololololol.

So, really, all I’m saying is, don’t blame Snooki. Blame yourselves! Blame Puck! Blame everyone but me because I’m exempt from scrutiny! You made these people popular, and now they want more of your money. Speaking of which, I’ll come to your school with an overhead projector and we can watch my favorite Youtube clips and hold hands and I’ll teach you how to fist pump for only $20,000 if you mention coupon code “HAHAFARTS11.”

Youtube Friday Timesink – 4.1.11: Indefinite Flavor Crystals

Street Fighter 2 is 20 years old, which makes me feel like I’m 1,000 years old. As a kid I would play in arcades and get destroyed by younger child prodigies despite my “Select E. Honda, hit punch over and over and over” technique. Similarly, I just ordered Super Street Fighter 4… why did I do this? I’m gonna play it for about a week, get killed over and over by younger child prodigies that will question my sexuality and ethnic background, then I’ll throw it in the pile of games I don’t play. Here’s a Kirk Cameron-looking dude in a backwards hat just chillin’ at the mall, talkin’ bout street fighters. Happy birthday!

Season 5 of The Whitest Kids U Know is starting next week on IFC. I think it’s the only channel my TV gets because I never switch channels. One night I watched Portlandia, Mr. Show and Evil Dead 2. In a row. Independent Film Channel? More like Infinite Fantastic Content. More like Instoppable Flawless… Characters? I don’t know. Here’s Little Hitler.